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It’s now 2024, people — why is masturbation still a taboo topic? We’re all for self-love — whether it’s during May (Happy Masturbation Month!) or every other month of the year. There’s nothing wrong with being your own best lover, and no one knows it better than these celebrity women who’ve spoken up about masturbation.
Honestly, masturbating every day is healthy. It’s good for married people. It’s good for single people. It’s good for all people. And that’s why we love it when people, especially famous people, aren’t afraid to talk about it. We don’t need celebrities to tell us masturbation is great, but we love it when they’re not afraid to spread the word about it. After all, the more we all normalize and de-stigmatize masturbation, the more we’ll have a culturally positive and informed approach to pleasure (which makes all sex better too!)
From Chelsea Handler (who’d rather masturbate than meditate) to Jada Pinkett Smith (who talked about the topic with her mom and daughter) to Billie Eilish and more, these celebrities have all gotten real about the importance of self-pleasure.
Read on, and then see if you don’t get inspired by these six masturbation positions that prove you don’t need a partner to have a good time.
A version of this story originally appeared in 2016.
Maybe you want to learn more about sex. Maybe you’re nervous talking about sex, so you want to listen to other people talk about sex. Maybe you’re looking for sex tips, relatable stories, or just something entertaining and spicy to listen to in your downtime. Whatever the reason, tuning into a podcast about sex is a great starting point when it comes to igniting your own personal sex life. As we know by now, podcasts are an excellent – and intimate – medium when it comes to education, so why not educate yourself on becoming more intimate with yourself and/or your partner(s) by listening to a podcast about sex?
And if you’re worried about things getting awkward, never fear. Most of these sex podcasts are like listening to some wise, knowledgable, and relatable friends, so it’ll be hard to feel anything but amused and maybe slightly aroused by their discussions. The podcasts below include all sorts of engaging conversations with sexperts, psychologists, couples, and more, about everything from foreplay and intercourse to self-pleasure, fetishes, kinks, and common bedroom struggles. No matter what tickles your fancy, you’ll be sure to walk away with some toe-curling insight and tips for your next sex session. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
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When we’re talking sex positions, we tend to focus solely on the main event: where to do it, how to do it, and how much to do it, etc. Mostly absent from this discussion is any mention of foreplay positions — the very stuff that gets us doing it in the first place — and we’ve overlooked them for too long. Because, after all, one can’t have a middle and end without first having a beginning. And really, we can’t reasonably expect to reach a rewarding conclusion without putting in at least a little work on the front end.
And that work doesn’t just start in bed. “Foreplay is everything that leads to having sex, so technically this starts at any point after your last sexual connection,” sex coach Jenna Switzer tells SheKnows. “We often think of it as simply what happens just before sex to turn us on, but in reality, foreplay is all the little things that keep us attracted to our partner(s) and lead us to sexual intimacy. “
And foreplay gets a bad rap as the part you have to just power through to get aroused, before you can get to the “good stuff”. In our humble opinion, it’s all good stuff — and it’s not just about getting the relevant body parts appropriately hard, wet, etc. “The whole constellation of activities such as kissing, caressing, touching, oral sex, and verbal exchange is aimed at building arousal, anticipation and sexual tension between partners,” Aliyah Moore, PhD, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert at SexualAlpha, tells SheKnows. Foreplay, Moore explains, can enhance sensation, deepen your emotional connection, help you maintain mutual satisfaction, and let you both indulge in novelty and creativity. “Foreplay gives the partners a chance of discovering something new,” she says, like “experimenting with new methods, positions, and fantasies, which is an improvement to their sexual repertoire.”
When it comes to the best foreplay positions, it’s all about experimenting with what feels best for you and your partner(s). Of course, some might argue that there are only a handful of ways to do foreplay — and all of them are pretty self-explanatory — but the same could be said about sex itself. The whole thing is pretty straightforward, but that doesn’t keep us from inventing slightly new ways to do it or discussing its many intricacies, and a couple small tweaks can make a major difference. So with that in mind, let’s give foreplay its due. Break out a few of these spicy foreplay positions next time you’re getting hot and heavy and see what a difference some creativity can make.
Spoon
You can’t go wrong with this classic, which is perfect for lazy mornings or late, sleepy nights. You and your partner both lie down on your sides, facing the same direction. The partner in back slides their arms around the one in front, giving them perfect access for hugging, kissing, and touching. “Spoon position is designed to be cozy and close with comfort to your partner, as well as to prevent strain on people’s bodies as much as possible,” Moore says. It’s also perfect if you and your partner are different heights or sizes, letting you explore each other’s bodies at your leisure.
Virgo
The Virgo is a perfect position for impromptu oral sex — or foreplay that feels a little out-of-the-box. The receiving partner starts by standing with their back against a wall. Their legs should be far enough apart that their partner can sit down — legs crossed, facing the receiving partner — and slide in between their legs. The receiving partner can lean against the wall and bend their knees until their partner has ample access to their nether parts. From there, you can both engage in some serious finger and oral play.
Up Against the Wall
Get spontaneous with this simple standing foreplay position. One partner stands flat against the wall with their back to their partner, while the other partner stands behind with their arms around them to touch and kiss. This position is perfect for heating things up even before you get to the bedrooms (gently pressing your partner into a wall or door because you can’t wait to get your hands on them? Hot) as well as providing support, balance, and the potential for touch and play all over the body, Moore says.
Low Doggy
The Low Doggy serves as an excellent precursor to from-behind penetration, but it’s exciting enough to stand on its own. Start by lying, face-down, on a bed, a couch, or some other comfy surface. The receiving partner can bend their knees so their feet are in the air, with a pillow under their pelvis to make things a little cozier. Their partner can climb on top so both partners’ knees and heads are aligned. From there, they can penetrate the receiving partner with their fingers or a toy (LELO Enigma is great if you want a particularly intense experience). If you’re into it, hair-pulling is a sexy addition to this position.
As a foreplay position, the Mirage goes both ways, inviting both you and your partner to get in on the action. The receiving partner starts by lying down with their knees bent and feet planted on the ground (or the bed, or the couch — you know the drill.) Their partner kneels, straddling the receiving partner’s head, facing their legs. From there, they can bend over to reach the receiving partner’s genitals and vice versa, leaving you both free to stimulate each other with mouth and hands.
Temptation
The Temptation is a fun way to turn up the heat — before sex, in the middle of it, or even at the end of it. The receiving partner starts by lying down on the edge of a surface — ideally, somewhere that’s pretty high up. Think: a table, a countertop, or possibly a bed (assuming it’s adequately lofted). Once lying down, they can bend their knees and pull them into their chest so their feet are way up in the air. If it’s comfortable, they can even rock forward a little bit and prop themselves up on the elbows. From there, their partner can stand, facing the receiving partner, and they can stimulate them using their fingers or a toy (I love suction toys for this kind of position — like Womanizer Premium or Unbound’s Puff for people with clits), and the receiving partner can reach down to stimulate them as well. The best part? This foreplay position puts you face to face, so you can kiss each other the entire time.
The Reverse is an excellent foreplay option for those looking to try something very new. The receiving partner lies down with their knees bent and feet planted in front of them. (The bend can be pretty subtle as long as it feels stable and comfortable.) Their partner to lies down on top, facing the ceiling, with their head aligned with the receiving partner’s legs, and their legs bent, straddling the receiving partner’s head. Once there, adjust until your partner’s genitals reach your mouth and you can engage in some serious oral play.
Hunger
The Hunger is a classic foreplay position — one you’ll likely recognize, even if you’ve never called it by that name. The receiving partner starts by sitting on the edge of the bed, knees bent and toes grazing the floor. Their partner kneels in front, facing them. From there, they can engage in all kinds of finger and oral play — even stimulating the receiving partner with a toy, if you so choose. Since this position starts on the bed, it’s a perfect segue into more classic penetrative sex as well as other kinds of foreplay.
Tamer
The Tamer is an incredibly cozy form of foreplay, fit for drowsy mornings and late evenings alike. The receiving partner lies on their side, and invites their partner to do the same — but they should be lying perpendicular to the receiving partner, with their upper body nestled between the receiving partner’s legs. (You should be able to make eye contact. If you aren’t, one of you is facing the wrong way!) From there, they should have easy access to the receiving partner’s genitals, giving them space to stimulate their fingers or a sex toy (Dame’s Com Wand Vibrator is an amazing option for this one). And the receiving partner can reach behind themselves to stimulate their partner, too.
Another classic form of foreplay, the Compliment is an easy addition to anyone’s sexual repertoire. The receiving partner kneels just behind the edge of the bed, while their partner kneels on the ground in front of them. They can adjust as necessary until they can easily reach the receiving partner’s genitals, and then stimulate them using their mouth, their hands, or a sex toy.
Pendant
69 by another name, the Pendant invites you and your partner to pleasure each other in equal measure. One partner lies down with their knees bent and their feet planted in front of them, while the other climbs on top of them, facing them, with the top partner’s legs straddling their torso and head snuggled in between their legs. From there, you should have access to each other’s genitals, giving you both the opportunity to stimulate each other however you see fit — with your mouths, your hands, or a couple sex toys.
Blindfolded
Nothing like incorporating a homemade sex toy to spice things up. “Just before sex, if you’re looking to heighten arousal, you can try blindfolding a partner (or have them close their eyes) and touch them in various ways,” Switzer suggests. “You could do finger tips, deeper massages, light spanks, try exploring different parts of their body than where you normally spend time.” You can use a sleep mask, a necktie, or a dark T-shirt as a DIY blindfold.
Foreplay Tips
Pair your new foreplay positions with these expert tips to keep things fresh and fun:
Foreplay can last all day long. No, we’re not talking about spending the whole day in bed together (although… that sounds fun) — more like finding ways to tease and flirt throughout the day so you’re riled up by the time you’re both home. “Is your partner turned on by sexy photos, flirty texts, dirty talk, surprises?” Switzer says. “If you’re not sure, simply ask! Find ways to incorporate versions of this throughout the day.”
Spell it out. Heighten the excitement of whatever position you choose “by telling your partner exactly what you plan to do to them (or exactly what you want them to do to you),” Switzer says. “This gives us a sensual mental image, a sense of excitement, and heightened awareness of the experience.” It’s also a great way make sure you’re both on board with what’s coming next, while keeping you in the moment together. That kind of communication is crucial, Moore adds. “Open and honest communication will help you grasp your partner’s wants, limits, and expectations.”
Pay attention. “Focus on your partner’s responses and signals during foreplay,” Moore says. “Try to investigate multiple kinds of touch, pressure and stimulation to define what gives each of you the most pleasure.” Plus, seeing what turns your partner on will be a huge turn-on for you too.
Involve every sense. Light some candles, play some soft music, and put on your silkiest sheets or clothes. It’s worth the effort: Engaging all five senses during foreplay can help to build arousal and pleasure, Moore says.
Lube it up. Lube can add comfort and satisfaction during foreplay, especially if you’re getting into manual stimulation or oral sex, Moore says. She recommends using a water- or silicon-based lubricant that works with condoms and sex toys.
Keep up the eye contact. Eye contact is a seriously underrated turn-on. “Eye contact can make intimacy and connection during foreplay even more profound,” Moore explains. “Stare into the eyes of your partner, as you discover unknown places in each other and translate your desire and passion without words.”
Take your time. Foreplay isn’t the appetizer — “it’s the ingredients of the main dish,” Switzer says. It’s what will make that main dish taste oh-so-delicious. “Also, foreplay is a great time to explore and tease, find new erogenous zones, and spice up your sex life,” she adds, so enjoy every moment and don’t rush through it.
A previous version of this article was published in 2020.
Infidelity has a way of either making things very messy or painfully clear. For some people, finding out that a partner cheated calls for an immediate break-up, no matter the situation — what we call a dealbreaker. But if both partners try to work things out, even for a short amount of time, the back-and-forth arguments, confusion, and feelings of betrayal and jealousy can cloud the relationship and make it hard to end it or move forward. For those who to choose to stay, well, it often takes a lot of work to re-establish that trust and build that bond up again, and even then, the relationship will never be exactly the same. That’s especially true when the affair results in a baby.
“Messy” doesn’t even begin to cut it for that situation, which is what one woman on Reddit is finding out right now. She agreed to stay with her husband after an affair and an affair baby came to light — but now, somehow, it’s all getting even more complicated. With her husband asking that they take in the affair child (now older), the woman (aka our OP, or the author of the post) responded in a way that has Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum divided. Read the full story, Reddit’s response, and our ultimate takeaways ahead.
About six months after we opened our marriage, my husband, David, stopped me at the door as I was leaving for the night.
“You and Randy are like boyfriend and girlfriend, huh?”
A shocked expression painted his face. Yes, Randy and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I was on my way out to see him at that very moment. But why was my husband surprised by this? It was David’s idea to open our marriage, and wasn’t this always one of the risks — that I might get serious with someone else?
While open marriages are becoming more and more popular in our society, with 24% of Americans agreeing that society can benefit from moving toward an open style of monogamy, in our case this type of relationship was only pushing our marriage closer to its breaking point. My husband was not happy when he learned I’d fallen for another man.
Our open marriage would ultimately end in divorce — and it was the best thing that could’ve happened.
Why we opened our marriage
David and I first decided to open our marriage after years of marital strife. We had two children with different special needs who necessitated a lot of attention. A lot of my attention.
Modern woman though I might be, I soon found myself solely in charge of raising our two children while David relaxed. He’d been out of work for a couple of years and wasn’t looking for a new job, all the while we plunged deeper into dire financial straits.
Not exactly the stuff that stokes the fires of a woman’s libido. I was rarely in the mood for sex. Instead, I collapsed into bed after one stressful day after another, dealing with the kids and all the housework, cleaning up after my blissfully unemployed husband.
I felt emotionally neglected, put-upon, and humiliated as he asked for handouts from his wealthy family while I struggled with freelance work. We ended up in marriage therapy. After arguing our way through one session, my husband asked if I wanted to open our marriage.
I’d heard that more and more people were doing this and reaping the benefits of closer connections and renewed passion. But us? Despite my growing disinterest with my husband, I couldn’t imagine us dating other people while we were married to each other. So, initally, I refused.
Instead, I concentrated on rebuilding intimacy in our relationship. But then, one night, I initiated sex only to feel disgusted afterward. That was the last straw. I told David we could open our marriage.
At first, dating other men was exhilarating. It made me feel like I was young again — young and single. But the purpose of opening our marriage was to bring us closer, so I waited for this to happen for David and me. It never did. Dating other people just frayed what little connection we still had left.
I wasn’t jealous of the other women David was seeing. Instead, I just felt more distant from him. One night, after one of his dates, he slipped into bed beside me. I could smell her perfume on him. He reached to caress my leg, and I pushed him away.
“Don’t touch me!” I snapped.
Let these other women have him. Besides, I had met someone else who captured my heart.
I fell for another man
When Randy and I first matched on Tinder, sparks flew. He lived nearby, and we quickly eased into a routine. I never lied to David. He knew where I was going almost every night around 10 p.m. when I’d leave him with our sleeping children to go to Randy’s place.
Randy and I would enjoy a beer, watch a movie, and then have sex. While I did sleep over, I left Randy’s early in the morning so I would be back home before the children woke up. It wasn’t the perfect arrangement, but after spending so much time with him, I couldn’t help but start to have serious feelings for Randy.
Because David and I had agreed to see other people — and because it was his idea to start with — I thought he wouldn’t have a problem with this. He clearly did.
When he expressed his dissatisfaction with my relationship with another man, I finally realized I had to get out of my marriage and initiate a divorce. That realization came with another: I wanted to get more serious with Randy, now that I was going to be single again.
It didn’t go as planned. Though Randy had never expressed any issue with my marriage to another man, when I told him I was planning on leaving David and was available for a deeper commitment, he broke up with me.
I had fallen for Randy, but he didn’t feel the same about me.
Why I’m glad that my open marriage ended in divorce
Do I feel remorse that David and I opened our marriage, leading to our divorce and my getting dumped by the other man I was dating? It might surprise you, but my answer is no. I’m glad my marriage is over. David and I weren’t right for one another. Randy and I weren’t either. It’s also OK that he ended things with me.
Instead, I’m grateful for my experience with an open marriage, because it was the push I needed to leave David. For years, I was too scared to divorce him. I needed something — someone — to compel me into action. Opening my marriage and falling for Randy were the necessary events to catapult me out of my terrible circumstances.
Stagnating in an unhappy marriage was unhealthy for me. Subjecting our children to continual fighting was bad for them. David and I surely weren’t modeling good behavior for our kids. The best thing I could do for myself and my children was to divorce their father.
I also learned something about myself: I’m not wired for open relationships. I really just want to be in love with one person.
This doesn’t mean I think there’s anything wrong with open marriages. I don’t believe they always end in divorce. Some people have success with them. But I do think this is only when the relationship is strong and healthy.
I don’t doubt the future will bring even more open relationships in our society, but, I think people need to understand that consensual non-monogamy isn’t a cure-all. It can’t fix a relationship that’s already broken.
Want to light up your sex life? Hit play on one of our favorite sexy movies:
“In sickness and in health” is part of the classic marriage vows for a reason. Committing to someone means making a promise to stay with them through it all, both the good times and the bad. When it comes to health problems — an inevitable challenge every couple will face at some point — you might just be the only source of support they have, or vice versa.
Of course, that’s easier in theory than in practice. Health problems can be a huge source of stress, and marriages often enter rocky waters when one partner is suffering. However, which partner it is makes a big difference. According to a study in the journal Cancer, when a woman is a cancer or multiple sclerosis patient, they’re six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after the diagnosis compared to when the man is the patient. In other words, women are statistically more willing to do the work of caregiving for a sick partner; men, not so much.
It’s a situation one woman on Reddit is all too familiar with. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few years ago, and her husband responded by cheating on her while she was in treatment. (Wow, we love him already.) Our OP (aka original poster, or the person who wrote the post) took him back afterwards, but now her husband is the one having a health scare, and it’s bringing up all sorts of emotions for our OP — namely, that she’s not so sure she wants to be in this marriage after all, and Reddit sees where she’s coming from. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.
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The journey of solo play can be an empowering and fulfilling experience, and finding the perfect vibrator is the key to unlocking your deepest desires. The good news is, stepping into the world of self-exploration just got a whole lot more mind-blowing, thanks to the Satisfyer Pro 2 Generation 2.
The Satisfyer Pro 2 Generation 2 isn’t just another vibrator; it’s a game-changer. Thanks to its unique Air Pulse Technology, this device doesn’t rely on traditional vibration. Instead, it uses gentle air waves to stimulate your most sensitive areas, creating an entirely new kind of sensation. Imagine a delicate yet powerful touch that brings you to the edge of ecstasy with precision and grace!
But that’s not all — this solo play toy offers 11 distinct pressure wave intensities, each tailored to transport you to new heights. Whether you’re seeking a gentle massage or an intense thrill, the Satisfyer Pro 2 Generation 2 has got you covered. It’s like having a customizable experience designed solely for your pleasure.
One satisfied customer shared, “Imagine your spot getting hit and you tell them ‘right there’ and they ACTUALLY stay right there! Continuous and consistent pleasure is the best descriptive term for that. Unfortunately, I can’t vouch for the remaining settings (there are 11) because I never made it that far. I think I may have passed out. Or maybe I left my body for a moment and came back. Or got abducted by aliens. There is a black space in my memory shortly thereafter so I’m still not sure.”
Most of the other reviews echo this sentiment, with most review titles saying they were able to orgasm multiple times or just had the best orgasm of their life.
Another, shall we say, delighted user of the unique vibrator exclaimed, “The best decision I ever made was forking out the $29.99 for this product. I would not have made it through my 2 years of celibacy without it! It revolutionized my self-pleasure game and reminded me that sexual pleasure is something I love.”
And here’s a heartwarming revelation from a customer who found a newfound connection with her partner after some solo play: “My husband and I have now been talking about whether we can use this together, but I’m not sure… This device works best when it’s put in place and then not moved again until orgasm is achieved. But the fact that this vibrator had opened the door for conversations with my husband about bringing in additional tools and resources to help me achieve my bliss during sex had been huge.”
And if you’re hesitant, don’t be! Take it from a customer who said, “I can’t really make words right now after using this little thing. Just, do yourself a favor and buy it. I highly doubt you’ll regret it. Silent. And after some initial adjustments placement wise, this baby had me flying in under 30 seconds, no exaggeration. Definitely a win.”
With over 39,000 5-star reviews, this magical device is definitely a steal, especially since it is under $50 right now. The Satisfyer Pro 2 Generation 2 is set to elevate your intimate moments to new heights. It’s an exciting opportunity to explore and enhance your solo play experience!
Open relationships really can and do work — we’ve talked to women who’ve been in them and loved it! — but you wouldn’t know it from the amount of stories on the Internet (and especially Reddit) where opening a relationship or a marriage leads to the end of a couple. We hesitate to blame that all on the polyamorous aspect of it; some of these relationships maybe just aren’t built to last, and seeing other people helped them realize it. Other times, the partner(s) were opening up their relationship for the wrong reasons or using it as an avoidance technique instead of addressing their deeper issues.
Whatever the reason for open relationships failing, again, we promise they really do work and can be a beautiful, horizon-broadening experience for all involved … That said, the latest partner to share their open relationship experience on Reddit looks like he’s falling into the camp of the relationship not working out. And while the husband, our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) seems, honestly, more or less fine with getting a divorce, he’s concerned enough about his wife’s upset reaction to share their story on Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum. OP’s wondering if he’s made a mistake, and Reddit was all too happy to weigh in. Keep reading for the full story.
Everybody wants to be in love and nobody wants to talk about what it’s really like to find your way there — or what it’s really like once you finally get there. Whether it’s petty arguments, existential crises, heartbreak, or finding a new partner, love isn’t all fairy tales and couch cuddles. It’s real work to build a partnership.
We love the following sex, dating, and relationships podcasts because they’re some of the few places that really explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, the painful and confusing. Whether it’s advice columns or real stories from folks in the trenches of heartbreak or falling in love, each of these relationship podcasts helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches us about ourselves. (PS: if you’re looking for podcasts on the more erotic side, we’ve got you covered there too.)
Modern Love
If you’re a fan of The New York Times column by the same name on how people do — and do not — fall in love, you’ll love the Modern Love podcast too. They’re the columns you love narrated by voices you recognize, plus interviews with writers and other NYT voices on all things love.
Love Is Like a Plant
A podcast about dating, loneliness, love, breakups and making it work, Love Is Like a Plant explores the central question of how we make love grow. While it’s last episode was in 2022, it’s one that is great to revisit no matter where you are in your relationship.
Relationship Advice
Whether it’s learning to be more intimate, managing stress, handling the holidays or dealing with infidelity, Relationship Advice discusses everything a married couple — or any couple in a long-term relationship — might face. It’s hosted by a divorced, co-parenting couple who have been through it all and are ready to share their knowledge while continuing to learn from experts.
The Holderness Family Podcast
News anchors-turned-content creators-turned-Amazing Race winners Kim and Penn Holderness host this podcast that falls on the marriage and family side of relationships, exploring topics like navigating ADHD and anxiety in a relationship and how to ask your partner for what you want.
It’s My Pleasure
Hosted by sex coach Danielle Savory, It’s My Pleasure encourages women to explore their pleasure, however and wherever they find it. The focus is on embracing intimacy and joy in bed, and the episodes range from hour-long deep dives to bite-sized thought starters, so you can hit play on whatever suits your schedule.
Couple Friends
A lighthearted podcast, Couple Friends is a podcast hosted by a married couple who discuss silly topics and mundane ones, all with a wonderful respect for each other. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with your partner.
Unqualified with Anna Faris
It might seem strange to get love advice from a celebrity, but Anna Faris does a remarkable job with Unqualified. Featuring Bachelorettes, actors, artists, authors, and more, this pod gives celebs the chance to open up about their own relationship ups and downs and share some sage advice to listeners in need while also keeping it fun and lighthearted.
Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
If you’ve ever considered couples therapy but didn’t bite the bullet, Where Should We Begin? could be a breakthrough. Esther Perel is best known for her controversial TED talks on infidelity. In this podcast, each episode is a one-time couples therapy session in which Perel helps the couple work through an issue.
The Heart
The Heart is more than a podcast; it’s an experience. Each episode is described by the hosts as “immersive performances and sound design that [make] you feel like you’ve walked into a magic dream world.” The stories about love, identity, and sexuality are from a diverse group of of people, guided by the all-queer staff behind the scenes.
Dear Sugars
Dear Sugars isn’t just a relationships podcast; it’s a “how to live your life” podcast. With all the compassion of the original advice column, the Sugars (aka writers Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond) read letters from people in all kinds of crises, including whether to get married or divorced and what it’s like to cheat — and be cheated on.
We Met at Acme
A bit more on the dating side than the relationship side, We Met at Acme approaches sex, relationships and finding a partnership that will work for you with humor and self-awareness. Plus, there’s talk of all the ways the apps/technology have changed courtship and a dash of astrology thrown in for fun.
Date Yourself Instead
Loving yourself is the first step to finding a loving relationship, and that’s the focus of this empowering podcast from social media personality Lyss Boss. Date Yourself Instead is part first-person dating diary, part advice column, part therapy session, and it’s a must-listen for those of us despairing over the current dating pool.
A version of this story was published January 2018.
Looking for something romantic to watch with your SO? Check out our favorite steamy movies for a bit more date night excitement:
If you’ve never heard of “baby-trapping,” count yourself lucky, because it’s a pretty terrible thing to do to someone. Baby-trapping is when one partner in a relationship deliberately gets themselves or their partner pregnant to prevent their partner from leaving. It’s usually done in a sneaky way (think: going off the pill without saying anything, poking holes in condoms) so the other partner can’t do anything about it and doesn’t know until the pregnancy test comes back positive. Like we said, it’s no way to treat your partner, because 1.) no one should ever be coerced into having a child, 2.) consent is a thing??, and 3.) manipulating someone, in general, is not the way to a healthy relationship. Honesty truly is the best policy, folks.
So we’re not here to say baby-trapping is ever OK… but we are here to say that maybe some of us need a refresher on its definition. Specifically, we’re talking to a man who recently accused his fiancée of baby-trapping him, despite the fact that she’s had her tubes tied. Yep, you heard that right. She’s been accused of baby-trapping when she can’t even have a baby, and she’s come to Reddit’s relationship advice forum looking for some help on moving forward from this. Which is fair, because again, what? Our OP (aka the fiancée, the author of the post) is understandably confused.
Keep reading for the whole story and to get Reddit’s incredulous take on it all.
General rule of thumb: if you think opening up your marriage or relationship will save your marriage or relationship, it’s probably not going to work. Don’t just take our word for it: experts and women who’ve tried open relationships (including one mom who wrote a bestselling memoir about the experience) have told SheKnows that open relationships are best started from a place of complete trust and commitment. If you’re dealing with deep marital issues, introducing other partners into the mix will probably not solve the issue.
We can understand the temptation, though. Let’s say, for example, your marriage is pretty much fine. You get along well, you’re good co-parents, you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this partnership… but you’re just not sexually compatible anymore. At least one of you isn’t feeling fulfilled, for whatever reason. Why blow up the whole marriage when you could just open up your relationship and have your sexual needs met elsewhere?
That’s essentially the case for one woman on Reddit, who shared her story on the site’s Am I the Asshole? forum recently. Our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) is dealing with a classic dead bedroom issue with her husband and is at her wit’s end. She’s suggested an open marriage to avoid divorce, but after her husband’s response, now she’s wondering if she was an asshole for even bringing it up. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.
No threesome is exactly the same. Whether it’s spontaneous or planned, your first threesome or your tenth, inviting a third person into what is, for many of us, a two-person situation always makes things a little different. A lot of times, that’s a good (and exciting!) thing, a much-needed way to spice things up in the bedroom, especially for steady couples looking for something new. But no matter what the context or how many partners you have, one thing stays the same: you’re going to have to talk through some things.
We mean talking about what feels good and what you’re consenting to — making sure everyone is on the same page before the fun kicks off — as well as establishing some clear boundaries. Sometimes one partner will be more interested in watching than participating; other times, everyone wants an equal share of the physical action. And that type of communication is exactly where one couple on Reddit is struggling.
This couple has pursued threesomes for the majority of their relationship, inviting other women into their bedroom and having a great time doing it. But a recent encounter ended badly, with the wife (aka our OP, or the author of the post) feeling like she’d been cheated on in the middle of her own threesome. She shared her experience with the Reddit r/relationship advice forum, and Redditors were more than ready to weigh in on the “tricky” situation. Keep reading for the full story.
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If there’s one thing that Drs. John and Julie Gottman want every couple to know, it’s that fighting is normal. In fact, Julie tells SheKnows, 69 percent of all problems within a relationship are what the Gottmans call perpetual issues, meaning they don’t necessarily get solved… ever. “Don’t freak out about it,” says Julie, a clinical psychologist. “It’s normal.”
The Gottmans are both relationship experts, cofounders of The Gottman Institute, and co-authors of multiple bestselling books on love and marriage, so they know a few things about couples in conflict. Now they’re sharing that knowledge in their new book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, which has a simple but revolutionary thesis: that fighting with your partner, far from being a bad thing, is actually an opportunity for emotional intimacy. “Conflict has a goal,” says John, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. “The goal is mutual understanding, as opposed to winning… It’s really a way we can get closer.” In other words, an argument with your partner isn’t a battle with a winner and a loser; it’s a collaboration, a way to connect.
It’s a nice way to think about it, but how do you actually do that in real life, when your blood’s boiling, your voice is raised, and this person you love looks more like an adversary? The Gottmans boiled down their decades of research into a few tangible tips for turning your arguments into moments of connection, and while doing so, they also unearthed several common mistakes preventing that from happening. Below, check out six things to avoid in your next argument with your partner and what to do instead.
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
The beginning of your argument or conflict conversation is extremely important, and not only for how the conversation is going to go. According to their research, Julie says, “the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predict with 96 percent accuracy how the rest of that conversation is going to go, and also [with 90 percent accuracy]… how the rest of the relationship is going to go,” up to six years down the line. That’s a lot of pressure to put on those first three minutes, but the Gottmans say there’s a formula that can help you succeed — and a few things to avoid.
Many people enter a conflict conversation by “dropping a bomb”: lobbing a verbal grenade and launching a surprise attack on their partner. This can look like harsh criticism of your partner (“You’re such a slob”), jumping into what they’re doing wrong (“Why can’t you just do the dishes for once?”), or piling on any other issues that have been bothering you, aka “kitchen sinking” (“I shouldn’t be surprised — it’s not like you ever do laundry or clean up after the kids.”).
Instead, the Gottmans suggest starting with a strategy they’ve observed in their most successful couples, aka the “masters of love.” There are three parts to it:
Start with your feelings: Whether you’re upset, stressed, angry, or sad, say what you’re feeling before you even get to talking about your partner.
State the situation that’s causing the feeling. Julie emphasizes that you want to point out a situation here (the dishes aren’t done), not a personality flaw of your partner (the dishes aren’t done because your partner is lazy).
Say what you need in a positive way. The Gottmans call this a positive need, meaning, you’re not telling your partner to stop doing something, but rather what they can do to fix the issue. It’s the difference between “Stop being so lazy” and “Can you do the dishes while I’m putting the kids to bed?” Your partner becomes your collaborator rather than your adversary.
Put together, this would look something like: “It stresses me out when you don’t do the dishes after I’ve cooked all evening. Would you mind starting on them while I put the kids to bed?” The conversation will be much more productive when your partner doesn’t feel attacked right out of the gate.
Mistake #2: You’re staying in the shallows
Remember those perpetual problems that are at the heart of most of our arguments with our partners? Just because they can’t be perfectly solved doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about them. There is often a core need, or what the Gottmans call a dream, at the heart of these perpetual problem gridlocks, something extremely important to one or both partners that hasn’t been unearthed or articulated.
Unless an issue is purely logistical, don’t stay on the surface. When you’re in conflict with your partner, Julie explains, it’s so important to “pause to deeply understand your partner’s position on something, including understanding what values are connected to it and what personal history might be connected.” For each partner, what’s the ideal outcome in this situation, “and is there some sense of life, purpose, or meaning attach to their position on this issue?” It’s crucial to understand the depths behind your differences in opinions before you even start moving toward resolving them.
Mistake #3: You’re compromising your core needs.
Relatedly, compromising is an important step to resolving an issue, but it’s crucial that the compromise doesn’t infringe upon one of your core needs or dreams. “If you give up a core need, then the compromise will be sabotaged,” John explains. “It won’t work. So you have to understand what each person’s core need is, and you have to protect that before you get into a solution to the problem.”
And yes, this means that some problems may not be resolved — and that some relationships, ultimately, won’t work out because of it. If one partner’s dream is to have children and the other’s is to stay childless, well, there’s no way to compromise on that without one partner sacrificing their dream. That leads to dissatisfaction, resentment, and an unhappy relationship — one that might be better off ending, so both partners can build the life they want.
Drs. Julie and John Gottman
Mistake #4: You’re on the negative side of the Magic Ratio.
The Gottmans’ research on couples’ conflicts revealed that couples who stay together happily are able to maintain a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in their arguments — in other words doing five positive things for every negative thing.
A positive interaction, in this case, could be as small as a nod or an acknowledgment that the partner is listening (like “I never thought of that” or “good point”), a gesture of affection or validation, or a moment of shared humor, interest or curiosity in what the other person is saying. Negative things might be expressions of angry criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or giving the silent treatment (more on those in a minute). The Gottmans’ “masters of love” would have a 5:1 ratio (or better) of positive to negative during an argument; the couples who ended up separating or staying together unhappily “had a ratio that averaged 0.8:1 — more negativity than positivity,” John explained. It’s important to have more positivity than negativity because the hurt of negative interactions and comments has a more lasting effect than positive ones, he says. “A lot more positivity has to be there to balance a negative.”
You can shift a conflict to the positive side, the Gottmans say, by making a repair attempt, which they define in Fight Right as “any comment or action that counteracts the negativity in a fight and prevents a conversation from escalating.” Repair attempts might include:
Apologizing
Empathizing with or validating your partner’s experience
Expressing admiration for your partner
Injecting humor into the conversation
Making a positive gesture, like nodding or reaching for your partner’s hand
Crucially, both partners need to be open to a repair attempt, both the one making the attempt and the one responding to it.
Mistake #5: You’re being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling.
The Gottmans call criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because couples who exhibited these behaviors during conflict “were likely to split an average of five years post-wedding,” they write. These are the behaviors on the negative end of the magic ratio, the ones you want to avoid as much as possible.
What makes these behaviors so hurtful? For starters, Julie says, criticism “is a way of saying, ‘You’re not worthy of my love.'” It’s the opposite of showing love to a partner — you’re expressing how much you don’t love them and the specific things that you don’t like. It triggers insecurity and “can be very painful for people to hear, because it counteracts their basic need to be loved and to be respected.”
Contempt is the same thing, but done from a position of superiority. “That feels even worse,” Julie says. “[Contempt] is sulfuric acid on a relationship.”
Defensiveness, then, is a natural response to feeling attacked through criticism or contempt, an attempt to shield ourselves from the pain by reflecting it back on our partner. Stonewalling, meanwhile, happens when someone “completely shuts down” and is no longer able or willing to continue the conversation. “That signals to the other person, ‘They don’t wanna hear me. Maybe I’m being rejected,'” Julie explains, triggering feelings of abandonment or loneliness on the part of the person being stonewalled, when what they’re looking for is connection and communication.
Defensiveness and stonewalling often occur in moments of emotional flooding (more on that in a second), Julie adds, meaning that calling for a break — or, in the case of defensiveness, acknowledging to your partner that you’re feeling defensive — can defuse the situation and allow both of you to come back when the Four Horsemen aren’t quite so powerful.
Mistake #6: You’re getting flooded with emotion.
Maintaining the positive ratio and avoiding the Four Horsemen sounds simple enough until you’re actually in the argument, getting angry and frustrated with your partner. The Gottmans call this “flooding.” Similar to “fight or flight” mode, flooding occurs when we get “overwhelmed in conflict, hijacked by our own nervous system in response to negativity from our partners,” the Gottmans write. Flooding doesn’t mean you’re making a mistake per se, as it’s a natural reaction that many of us experience during conflict, but what you do when you’re getting flooded can determine the outcome of your argument and relationship. “When we see a pattern of flooding in a couple… we know that without intervention, they’re headed for a split,” the Gottmans write. That’s because, when you’re flooded, “you’re incapable of fighting right.” You just can’t process information, hear what your partner is saying, and respond instinctively with something negative.
If this experience sounds familiar, the first thing to do is recognize your own personal signs of flooding, which can include shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, face redness, or muscle tightness. If you start to feel any of these, Julie says, call for a break in the fight. When you do this, “everything needs to stop on a dime,” she explains. Then, tell your partner when you’ll come back to talk about it again; Julie says the break should last a minimum of 30 minutes and no longer than 24 hours.
While you’re taking your break, resist the urge to think about the fight or plan what you’re going to say when you come back; that’s just going to keep you in that flooded state. “Instead, you need to do something self-soothing,” Julie says, like exercising, going for a walk, doing yoga, listening to music, reading, doing email — anything that “gets your mind off the fight so that your body has a chance to metabolize the adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones that have flooded your blood supply,” she says.
When you and your partner reconvene, “typically you’ll be much more calm and gentle,” Julie says, which means you’ll be more capable of initiating repair attempts and interacting on the positive side of that magic ratio.
Before you go, check out our favorite books on manifesting the life of your dreams:
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It seems as though Joe Biden is much more open about his sex life than others, and most recently, he divulged the saucy secret behind his strong, nearly 50-year marriage to First Lady Jill Biden.
Rogers also said that Biden is open with the details of his and Jill’s sex life, and “much to his wife’s chagrin,” he gives marital advice to his aides.
U.S. President Joe Biden and first lady Jill Biden. Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.
Now, this actually isn’t the first time something like this has been mentioned by Joe. Back in 2006, when asked about running for President, per DailyMail, he said, “I’d rather be at home making love to my wife while my children are asleep.”
Along with that, they’re very open to PDA and are open to showing off their love for one another. However, it seems that while Joe enjoys talking about their sex life openly, Jill likes to remain more private about the details of their sex life.
For those who don’t know, Jill and Joe originally met back in 1975 on a blind date set up by his brother. They later married in 1977, and welcomed a daughter named Ashley Biden, born on June 8, 1981.
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Stolen moments of intimacy can be increasingly hard to come by when you’re shuffling kids around, trying to get some work done, and maybe even practicing a little bit of self-care. While date night is definitely a complicated thing to execute in our non-stop lives, it doesn’t mean you can’t come up with some out-of-the-box ways to have some kid-free intimate time and have sex with your partner with the spaces and tools available to you. You can schedule an early morning or late night rendezvous in your home, of course (and we promise scheduling sex is way hotter than it sounds), but in a pinch, you can also consider that old reliable location from your teenage years: your car.
Having sex in the car is super hot — mostly because it kind of brings you back to those teenage days of making out in the backseat somewhere, terrified (or thrilled by) the idea of being caught and scrappily making it work for some intimacy with your crush. As a adults, we presumably have a bit more privacy than we did as teenagers, but car sex is still as tantalizing as ever — and, especially for those of us with kids at home, it gives you that extra bit of separation from the responsibilities so you can truly relax. Your car is also a contained space that tests you and your partner’s ability to get each other off efficiently and gives you a lot of access to one another.
But, let’s be real, getting it on in a vehicle can be tricky and not all that comfortable if you aren’t as spry as your 18-year-old self was. (Ever smacked your tailbone too hard on a seat belt? Ouch.) But the right car sex position, along with some satisfying sex toys, can totally rock your world and leave some devastatingly hot memories for next time you run errands. Ahead, check out our favorite, expert-approved car sex positions you don’t have to be a teenager to pull off, and give them a whirl next time you’ve got a moment to park and play. Just don’t blame us if an officer taps his flashlight on your fogged-up window.
At SheKnows, we recognize that not all penetrating partners are male and not all receiving partners are female. For the sake of this article, the experts we spoke to referred to penetrating partners as men and receiving partners as women.
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There are definitely pros and cons to being in a long-distance relationship. Some of the good include having your own space to do and be what you want (as it can be hard sometimes to stay true to yourself when you’re involved with another person) and having passionate embraces when you do finally see each other — you know what they say, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” And, of course, the not-so-good (and probably the worst of them all) is loneliness. As someone in a long-distance relationship for quite some time, I can speak to all of the above. My person is all the way at the other end of the East Coast, so there are plenty of moments when I wish I could physically enjoy them.
While we’ve figured out ways around the distance, like long phone calls and FaceTime dates, it can be a little rough when it comes to physical pleasure. Every now and then, I’ll break out one of my favorite vibrators, but because my partner isn’t with me, it doesn’t always feel like there’s that much enjoyment for both parties. So, last night, I did some digging and wanted to find some of the best sex toys that are great for long-distance couples. And let me tell you, plenty of options are on the market. Thanks to good ‘ol technology, there are plenty of ways you and your long-distance boo can spice things up with an app-controlled toy.
So, when I’m here and they’re there, we can still help each other reach optimum pleasure with just a touch of a button. Below, check out a few options I’m considering adding to my bedroom. And the best part is, some of them are on sale — because good sex toys aren’t cheap.
We-Vibe Nova 2 Midnight Blue App Controlled Rechargeable Rabbit Vibrator
With the app in your partner’s hand, this rabbit vibrator can do wonders for you. It has two points of stimulation and has a variety of speeds and vibrations that your partner can control.
Here’s an app-controlled set that works for those vulva’s and penises. This is great if you both want to share pleasure during your virtual spicy nights.
Now, this little gadget can definitely spice things up in any relationship. Your partner can control this wearable panty vibrator while you’re out and about or just at home.
Planning a wedding means a lot of stress, from beginning to end. That includes the big decisions like choosing your location, date, and dress, right down to the smallest details, like the frosting on your cake and the calligraphy on your place cards. Not to mention you’re balancing a lot of different opinions that don’t always align — including yours and your partner’s. Just because you’re in love with someone, doesn’t mean you’re always in agreement (as many, many couples can attest). But what happens when the disagreement is about one of the most important parts of your wedding?
We’re talking about picking your wedding party. This is one of the bigger decisions in the wedding-planning process, because these are the people you’ll see the most often throughout this process — you want them to be your favorites! We’ve all heard of (or experienced) wedding party drama, whether it’s one so-called BFF being left out or a bridesmaid having a little too much fun at the reception. But in the case of one Reddit couple, the wedding party issues are getting particularly personal.
In this situation, the bride-to-be (aka our OP, or the author of the post) is facing a “dealbreaker” situation as her fiancé insists on including his ex-girlfriend (!) in his wedding party. Yep, it’s as bad as it seems, and OP is coming to Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum for some second opinions, which Reddit was only too happy to provide. Keep reading for the full story.
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Some people are gifted with a way with words, but other people… not so much. If you’ve ever attempted to write a thoughtful, appropriate Valentine’s Day card only to wind up with a million pieces of paper ripped up at your feet — this one’s for you.
As if finding the perfect Valentine’s Day gift wasn’t hard enough, it can also be a challenge to come up with a Valentine’s Day message, no matter what stage in your relationship you are. Even professional writers might be stumped and end up pulling out their hair figuring out exactly what words to write inside that blank card. You don’t want to go overboard and freak out someone you just started dating with an overly romantic card, which might cause an unexpectedly unpleasant conversation. On the other hand, if you’ve been with someone for a long time who really means a lot to you, you don’t want to write out a card that might come off as trite and watch your loved one’s face fall during your romantic Valentine’s Day date. The good news is you can be romantic — and not cheesy — with a perfect little quote or phrase in a personalized Valentine’s Day card.
Whether you’re casually dating someone, in a long-term relationship, or have been married for decades, here’s how to approach your Valentine’s Day love note. And if you’re intimidated by the entire Valentine’s Day card process, we even rounded up some examples of Valentine’s Day cards, from funny to super romantic, so you can pick one that matches the tone of the note that you’re planning to jot down inside.
The new relationship
Tip: Avoid sexual comments. They may be fun, but they’re best kept out of a card, especially in the new relationship.
You want to express your care for someone you’re still getting to know, without being too serious. Here are a few ideas on what to write:
I love that you’re my Valentine!
Muah! Happy Valentine’s Day!
I was never a fan of this holiday until meeting you, my sweet Valentine.
I’ve loved getting to know you and spending time with you. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Our favorite quote: “Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.” — author unknown
This V-Day card is certainly unique, and it gives you the power to write whatever you want. The card is your canvas. You aren’t forced to conform to a super sappy Valentine’s Day card pre-written by someone else.
Met your new Valentine on the apps? This sweet, simple, and punny card is a great way to show them you appreciate them and are excited to see where things go next.
The steady boyfriend, girlfriend or partner
Valentine’s Day could be the perfect time to let your long-term love know just how much they mean to you and how much you’re looking forward to the future. Ideas on what to write include:
The past few Valentine’s Days with you have been wonderful. I’m looking forward to many more!
You mean everything to me. Happy Valentine’s Day to my one and only.
“True love stories never have endings.” — Richard Bach
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” — Dr. Seuss
“When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I’m afraid to lose you.” — Rene Yasenek
Our favorite quote: “Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.” — Robert Browning
Couples have been spending a lot more time together over the last few years, so it’s no small feat if your relationship made it through! Celebrate that in a tongue-in-cheek way with this card.
Can you tell we like puns? This volcano-themed card will put a smile on your Valentine’s face. The volcanos even pop off the card to give it that extra pizzazz.
The life partner
Today’s the day to let your partner know just how much you love and appreciate them. And since you already won them over, you can be as cheesy as you please! Cute quotes and sayings to write on his card include:
“Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite.” — author unknown
You are the love of my life — always have been, always will be. Happy Valentine’s Day to the person of my dreams.
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” — Robert A. Heinlein
“A hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you.” — author unknown
Our favorite quote: “I’ve fallen in love many times… always with you.” — author unknown
For the partner who seems to have everything, get them this tongue-in-cheek card. It’ll remind them that your presence is a present (but you should still get them a present).
Own your feelings this Valentine’s Day and tell the love of your life exactly how much they’ve changed your life with this minimalist card. It’s sweet and genuine without getting too sappy — the perfect combo.
Instead of sending a bouquet of real flowers, send this beautiful 3D pop-up card. It’ll last longer than flowers anyway.
And a few bonus Valentine’s Day quotes for the funny couples
“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.” — author unknown
If your SO loves a cheesy joke, a cringe-y pun, or is simply a big fan of avocados (millennials, we’re looking at you), they’ll appreciate this card, which features a funny play-on-words.
What do you do when your partner asks for an open relationship? It’s a problem many monogamous couples never expect to have, but people are more accepting of open relationships than ever, with a third of Americans deeming open marriages acceptable, per a 2023 Pew survey, including more than 50 percent of American adults under 30.
Many people believe open relationships are just an excuse to cheat without getting in trouble, but there are some legitimate upsides. You get to experience other kinds of relationships, expand your capacity to love, and broaden your sexual horizon. That said, open relationships aren’t for everyone. So what happens if the conversation comes up and one partner is a hard no… but the other really wants to try it?
One couple on Reddit is in that exact situation, and it’s as complicated and anxiety-inducing as you might think. In this case, the wife is the one asking to open up the marriage, while her husband (our OP, Reddit-speak for the author of the post) isn’t interested at all. Specifically, he thinks it’s “totally unacceptable.” Now he’s hurt and she’s “heartbroken,” and they’re wondering where they even begin to go from here. Reddit, of course, had quite a few opinions on the topic. Keep reading for the full story, Reddit’s thoughts, and our ultimate takeaways.
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