About six months after we opened our marriage, my husband, David, stopped me at the door as I was leaving for the night.
“You and Randy are like boyfriend and girlfriend, huh?”
A shocked expression painted his face. Yes, Randy and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I was on my way out to see him at that very moment. But why was my husband surprised by this? It was David’s idea to open our marriage, and wasn’t this always one of the risks — that I might get serious with someone else?
While open marriages are becoming more and more popular in our society, with 24% of Americans agreeing that society can benefit from moving toward an open style of monogamy, in our case this type of relationship was only pushing our marriage closer to its breaking point. My husband was not happy when he learned I’d fallen for another man.
Our open marriage would ultimately end in divorce — and it was the best thing that could’ve happened.
David and I first decided to open our marriage after years of marital strife. We had two children with different special needs who necessitated a lot of attention. A lot of my attention.
Modern woman though I might be, I soon found myself solely in charge of raising our two children while David relaxed. He’d been out of work for a couple of years and wasn’t looking for a new job, all the while we plunged deeper into dire financial straits.
Not exactly the stuff that stokes the fires of a woman’s libido. I was rarely in the mood for sex. Instead, I collapsed into bed after one stressful day after another, dealing with the kids and all the housework, cleaning up after my blissfully unemployed husband.
I felt emotionally neglected, put-upon, and humiliated as he asked for handouts from his wealthy family while I struggled with freelance work. We ended up in marriage therapy. After arguing our way through one session, my husband asked if I wanted to open our marriage.
I’d heard that more and more people were doing this and reaping the benefits of closer connections and renewed passion. But us? Despite my growing disinterest with my husband, I couldn’t imagine us dating other people while we were married to each other. So, initally, I refused.
Instead, I concentrated on rebuilding intimacy in our relationship. But then, one night, I initiated sex only to feel disgusted afterward. That was the last straw. I told David we could open our marriage.
At first, dating other men was exhilarating. It made me feel like I was young again — young and single. But the purpose of opening our marriage was to bring us closer, so I waited for this to happen for David and me. It never did. Dating other people just frayed what little connection we still had left.
I wasn’t jealous of the other women David was seeing. Instead, I just felt more distant from him. One night, after one of his dates, he slipped into bed beside me. I could smell her perfume on him. He reached to caress my leg, and I pushed him away.
“Don’t touch me!” I snapped.
Let these other women have him. Besides, I had met someone else who captured my heart.
When Randy and I first matched on Tinder, sparks flew. He lived nearby, and we quickly eased into a routine. I never lied to David. He knew where I was going almost every night around 10 p.m. when I’d leave him with our sleeping children to go to Randy’s place.
Randy and I would enjoy a beer, watch a movie, and then have sex. While I did sleep over, I left Randy’s early in the morning so I would be back home before the children woke up. It wasn’t the perfect arrangement, but after spending so much time with him, I couldn’t help but start to have serious feelings for Randy.
Because David and I had agreed to see other people — and because it was his idea to start with — I thought he wouldn’t have a problem with this. He clearly did.
When he expressed his dissatisfaction with my relationship with another man, I finally realized I had to get out of my marriage and initiate a divorce. That realization came with another: I wanted to get more serious with Randy, now that I was going to be single again.
It didn’t go as planned. Though Randy had never expressed any issue with my marriage to another man, when I told him I was planning on leaving David and was available for a deeper commitment, he broke up with me.
I had fallen for Randy, but he didn’t feel the same about me.
Do I feel remorse that David and I opened our marriage, leading to our divorce and my getting dumped by the other man I was dating? It might surprise you, but my answer is no. I’m glad my marriage is over. David and I weren’t right for one another. Randy and I weren’t either. It’s also OK that he ended things with me.
Instead, I’m grateful for my experience with an open marriage, because it was the push I needed to leave David. For years, I was too scared to divorce him. I needed something — someone — to compel me into action. Opening my marriage and falling for Randy were the necessary events to catapult me out of my terrible circumstances.
Stagnating in an unhappy marriage was unhealthy for me. Subjecting our children to continual fighting was bad for them. David and I surely weren’t modeling good behavior for our kids. The best thing I could do for myself and my children was to divorce their father.
I also learned something about myself: I’m not wired for open relationships. I really just want to be in love with one person.
This doesn’t mean I think there’s anything wrong with open marriages. I don’t believe they always end in divorce. Some people have success with them. But I do think this is only when the relationship is strong and healthy.
I don’t doubt the future will bring even more open relationships in our society, but, I think people need to understand that consensual non-monogamy isn’t a cure-all. It can’t fix a relationship that’s already broken.
Want to light up your sex life? Hit play on one of our favorite sexy movies:
Fast Company is out with its annual ranking of the world’s most innovative companies, and of the 606 companies that made the list, just four are from legal tech. “The 606 organizations that we honor as Fast Company’s Most Innovative Companies of 2024 have met our high bar for demonstrating innovation and the impact of […]Marriage can be challenging. Even for couples who seemingly have it all together, the lows can take a toll on any relationship and leave you questioning, is this all worth it? If you’re one of those people looking for red flags that your marriage may not last or signs your marriage will end in divorce, you’re not alone.
According to the CDC, the national average divorce and annulment rate in 2021 was approximately 2.5 people per 1,000 — that’s roughly 689,308 people. And while that divorce rate is down from 2001, which saw four people divorced per 1,000, per the CDC, there’s no denying that some marriages aren’t made to last.
“There’s no definitive list of the catalysts for divorce, as every relationship is different,” says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, MA, LMFT, in-house relationship expert at Paired, a relationship app for couples. There are, however, some common themes she pointed out, including the “five-year fizzle” — a sharp spike in relationship friction around the five year mark, which was noted in recent research from Paired. Common triggers that may contribute to a “fizzle” around this time period include issues with communication and trust in the relationship, and conflicts around financial and parenting decisions, according to Seeger DeGeare. Divorce is also more common at certain times of year (particularly the spring and late summer).
Of course, the truth is that even the most self-aware couple may have trouble seeing their marital issues for what they are. “Signs and red flags around potential divorce are typically much easier to see when looking from the outside in,” therapist and behavioral analyst Laurie Singer, LMFT, BCBA, tells SheKnows. “When couples are ‘living’ the experience, they can’t always view behaviors and patterns objectively. But there are specific patterns or behaviors that typically lead a marriage to end in divorce.”
And while working through your marital issues is something that many couples do, sometimes there are red flags that cannot be worked through. These are some of the main signs that your marriage may end in divorce.
Any form of abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, financial or sexual, is a severe red flag that should never be ignored. These behaviors are extremely harmful, damaging and have long lasting effects on both partners and the relationship dynamic, says Anastasia Locklin, MA, LMFT.
“The reality is that some relationships are beyond repair and the partner should leave for their safety,” Singer says. “Mental or physical abuse is never OK.” She notes that abusive behavior usually starts slowly and continues to build if it’s not confronted, and the partner on the receiving end often falsely believes it’s their fault. “They think that if they could just change and be the person their partner wants them to be, the marriage will work out.”
What to do: “Seeking professional help and needed support is crucial if you find yourself in an abusive relationship,” Locklin says. “If you specifically find yourself in a physical or sexually abusive relationship, reach out to a professional who specializes in domestic violence to create a safety plan and explore options for leaving the abusive situation.” You can also speak with someone trained to assist survivors of domestic violence by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, texting START to 88788, or visiting their website for more resources.
Within healthy relationships, power, control, and decision-making are balanced between partners, therapist Lea Trageser, LMFT, of Helix Marriage and Family Therapy, tells SheKnows. Each partner feels heard, valued, and seen when they share opinions or make decisions. A power imbalance often leads to one partner controlling the other, which is a red flag for not only divorce, but also potentially domestic abuse. “It is not a healthy, safe, relationship,” Trageser explains.
What to do: “In relationships where power and control is unequal, couples therapy won’t be effective and is contraindicated,” Trageser says — meaning that experts don’t recommend seeking counseling in these cases. The best thing to do is to connect with safe loved ones in your life and seek individual therapy from a mental health professional who specializes in intimate partner violence or unhealthy relationships.
“Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of respect,” Trageser says. This means using respectful language, especially when you’re in conflict with your partner, as well as allowing space for your different opinions and needs in the relationship. “When there is a lack of basic respect in marriages, needs will be dismissed and there will be demeaning or devaluing language used,” Trageser explains. As this goes on, you and your partner will no longer have the space or freedom to be fully, authentically yourselves.
What to do: If you’re struggling with respecting your partner or vice versa, and one partner is finding themselves devalued and demeaned, it’s time to consider if change is really possible in the relationship, Trageser says. She notes that it often isn’t in these cases, because even if the disrespected partner brings up their needs and concerns, they’re likely to be invalidated. “Change can’t happen without recognition,” she explains. Trageser recommends connecting with safe loved ones and a relationship therapist.
Intimacy is essential in a relationship because it forms a basis for connection and communication. Physical intimacy only enhances a marriage, but when one or both partners are out of sync, the relationship can start to wear. Although there can be many legitimate reasons for lack of sex, if there are no external factors contributing to this and there is a mismatch in sex drive causing dissatisfaction for at least one person in the relationship, this can be a warning sign, says Seeger DeGeare.
What to do: She recommends bringing a schedule into the bedroom. “When it comes to relationships, it’s completely normal for sex to take a backseat at times,” Seeger DeGeare says. “If it’s time that’s stopping you, try setting up a schedule or booking a ‘sex appointment’ with your partner. It might not sound sexy, but I often find it’s just the thing couples need.” You might also consult with a sex therapist for help with communicating your needs and prioritizing your pleasure (and your partner’s!).
Communication problems are a common factor in divorce, Singer says. They tend to make any other struggle areas in a marriage feel even more insurmountable, because if you and your partner can’t communicate effectively, you can’t work together to find solutions. Communication issues are also often a joint problem. “Each individual plays a role in how they communicate, what they allow and what they give,” Singer notes.
What to do: Whether communication is at the heart of your problems or a symptom of something deeper (or both), learning to communicate more effectively with your partner can only help the relationship. Singer has a few tips, including taking each other’s perspective when issues arise, which “requires each [partner] looking at their own role in the relationship,” she explains. She also teaches “I” statements in her practice — like “When you talk to me like that, it hurts me because…” Framing statements this way “take[s] the blame off the other person yet lets them know the emotional impact of their actions or statements,” Singer says. Seeking couples’ therapy can also help you find better ways to communicate with each other.
Life can be hectic, there’s no denying that, but making time to spend with your spouse and even being spontaneous is really crucial for connection. If quality time together is no longer enjoyable and you’re not actively making time for it, the relationship may not survive.
What to do: Seeger DeGeare recommends exercising together, date nights a few times a month, or small gestures like putting your phone away at dinner. These small changes can go a long way in keeping a relationship strong and healthy. Simply spending quality time together doing things you both love makes your bond stronger.
You’ve heard it before, and it’s true: marriages (and long-term relationships in general) demand hard work from both partners. When one or more partners “have lost hope, are going through the motions, and generally have given up, that is a red flag that a marriage will end in divorce,” Trageser says. All partners need to be both willing and wanting to do the work to make the relationship thrive. If that isn’t the case, then “change won’t happen,” she explains, no matter how hard the other partner tries.
What to do: This red flag may be fixable depending on the willingness and desire of the partners, Trageser says. If the partner who’s given up is “willing to make a valiant effort,” whether through couples therapy or identifying areas for change as a couple, then it’s possible. For the partner that’s struggling, Trageser recommends reconnecting with their “why.” “Why did they choose and marry this person in the first place? What drew them to their partner originally? By reconnecting with the why, they may find renewed hope and want to put effort in and see if change is possible.”
If you tend to be happier when you’re not around your partner due to frequent and intense arguments, that may be a red flag for your marriage. Disagreements and a difference of opinion is a normal part of any relationship, but frequent intense arguments that escalate to personal attacks, contempt, lack of resolution, or an inability to compromise can indicate deeper rooted issues. If conflicts are not resolved in a healthy way, where each individual in the relationship feels heard, seen, valued, and respected, these frequent arguments can erode the foundation of the marriage, Locklin says.
What to do: She suggests enrolling in couples’ counseling and really taking the time to improve communication skills by utilizing the tools and skills that are discussed there. “Couples have to be committed and determined to work together in both expressing their thoughts, feelings, and practicing being an active listener to your partner,” she says. “Practice empathy, validation, and love during conversations to foster connection and a safe space to be heard and seen with one another.”
If you only see the bad in your partner, you may be starting to feel contempt for them. “The lens that you used to view them through to help give them the benefit of the doubt and see them holistically has gone away, and you only see the criticisms and resentment you have grown,” Trageser explains. This feeling is a sign of potential divorce because of what’s hiding behind it, she adds. “Contempt is typically in response to years of disappointments and not feeling heard. It can be incredibly difficult to change the way you see your partner after years of difficult feelings.”
What to do: Incredibly difficult doesn’t mean impossible, though. “In a healthy relationship, having open, safe conversations where feelings are expressed and received can start to chip away at resentment and contempt that has grown,” Trageser says. The partner feeling contempt can also challenge themselves to see the good in their partner again, as a way to get back to seeing them for their whole self. Trageser recommends using this phrasing to start: “I appreciate that you are (insert trait), and I saw it when you (insert what partner did).” This sentence can help, she says, by connecting positive experiences to a trait you see in your partner.
While it might seem like a small issue to disregard the significance of your partner’s childhood or cultural background, Seeger DeGeare says she’s observed this in therapy sessions, and that it may indicate a deeper issue within the relationship. “If one partner genuinely expresses that they do not understand why these things are relevant to their present lives, it can make the other partner feel unloved and dismissed,” she says.
What to do: Getting to know the things that shaped your partner and made them into the person they are today is crucial in leading a future life with them. Take the time to ask more questions, be patient, and work to understand why they are the way they are.
One of the most common reasons for divorce is infidelity or having an affair, and this is because it can severely damage the trust within a marriage. While not all relationships end in divorce after infidelity, it often causes significant emotional distress, disconnection, and challenges.
What to do: Repairing a marriage after extramarital affairs takes dedication and can be a difficult and lengthy process, Locklin says. This often looks like intense couples’ therapy and working together to slowly rebuild the trust that was once there, but also acknowledging that trust might be permanently compromised and working towards small, buildable goals if you want to save the marriage.
It can be a common misconception that arguing is a sign of an unhappy relationship, but actually, disagreements handled well can be beneficial if it’s an opportunity to get curious about your partner’s perspective. Seeger DeGeare says when couples in conflict experience a marked dip in arguments — and therefore communication — this can be a sign they’ve stopped fighting for the relationship.
What to do: “Be curious about each other,” Seeger DeGeare says. “Often we feel like we know our partners so well, but people are constantly evolving. Asking your partner questions about what they’re excited about and what they’re looking forward to fosters curiosity and not longing for something of the past.” Questions about future plans could cause friction if you don’t immediately agree on the plans, but working together to resolve a conflict is a sign of good communication, and a sign that the relationship still has some life in it.
Some red flags on this list, such as power imbalances and abusive behavior, are surefire signs to end the relationship. Others signs of divorce may be fixable — with some hard work and effort from both partners involved. “One thing I say to couples I work with is, ‘change happens when you do something differently,’” Trageser says. Couples often find themselves in a cycle of destructive conflict, she explains, and “in order to make a change in this pattern and stop it, you need to do something differently than you have been.” According to Trageser, that could mean:
“Every relationship takes some work,” Singer says. “It’s very rare for any couple to be happy with their partner 100 percent of the time. But it’s what a person does or doesn’t do with the feelings around things like a lack of intimacy or respect, that will determine how the relationship will continue or end.”
A version of this story was published in 2023.
Before you go, check out our favorite movies to inspire your next date night:
Divorces happen for lots of reasons, from lack of commitment to infidelity to nonstop arguing to, well, just getting married too young. (Those are the top four reasons for divorce in the US, per Forbes, in case you’re curious.) Sometimes, though, people get divorced for reasons that aren’t so cut-and-dry — like your partner changing in ways you couldn’t have predicted, and that you can’t accept. Those changes could be political (as in, you married a Democrat but they turned into a Trumper), value-based (you both agreed to have children and now they’re rethinking), or just around their general priorities and outlook on life. Of course, sometimes those changes aren’t really changes at all, but your partner showing you who they truly are.
One couple on Reddit’s relationship advice forum is experiencing marital trouble right now, and it’s due to some unforeseen changes on the husband’s side. To sum it up, his wife (aka our OP, which is Reddit-speak for the person who wrote the post) lost some weight, and now he’s starting to treat her differently — and she’s not sure she likes the implications of that.
There’s a lot more to it than that, of course, and Reddit had plenty to say to response. Keep reading to get the full story.
To fall for Charles is the last thing Helen expected … but will her lies cost her the love of her life?
England, 1970s
When Helen Debenham agrees to help her friend Sylvia out of her unhappy marriage to the famous playwright Charles Lane, the last thing she expects is to find love waiting in the wings.
Conditioned from childhood to look after her needy friend, Helen doesn’t question Sylvia’s portrayal of Charles as a cruel, temperamental philanderer. But as she comes to know the real Charles much better than she had ever intended, suddenly her feelings are rewriting the script for her.
Astonished to find Charles a very different character from the one Sylvia has depicted, she quickly comes to regret the part she’s agreed to play in their separation. Especially when she realises she’s falling in love with him … and he still has no idea how she’s deceived him…
But does she know Charles as well as she thinks? And how will he react if her deception is uncovered?
Can Helen keep playing her role for ever, or is heartbreak waiting around the corner?
Set in London and the English countryside, YET LOVE REMAINS is a compelling 20th century tale of romance and deceit with an intriguing twist.
Review
Oh, the angst. Oh, the melodrama. Oh, how the plot dates this one. Let’s go back in time to when divorce was a bit unsavory though obtainable especially if one is a (terribly) needy and surface level woman who has a best friend who feels somewhat responsible for you because you’re just that delicate flower who needs tending to. Too late friend Helen realizes that Sylvia has everything neatly planned and is ruthless about them sticking to that plan.
But wait, shall we talk plot a bit? Helen Debenham and Sylvia have been friends since school. When Helen is orphaned, Sylvia’s mother (does anyone else hear Dr. Hook singing that 1972 song?) takes Helen under her wing and ends up paying the tuition for Helen’s nursing course. After Helen leaves for America for a job in Washington, Sylvia’s mother writes and asks Helen to be there for Sylvia because Sylvia is just the type to get herself into messes and need help.
Job finished, Helen meets a tall, dark, and handsome mystery man on the boat trip back but parts ways thinking never to see him again. Catching up with her friend, Helen discovers that Sylvia’s marriage is on the rocks (well, Helen was skeptical even when Sylvia was rhapsodizing about it) and that because (cruel) Charles Lane refuses her little teensy weensy request to divorce so Sylvia can marry (milquetoast) Richard, Sylvia needs Helen to take part in a theatrical production Sylvia has devised called “Be a Co-respondent.” All Helen has to do is show up at Charles’s remote cottage on the moors, stay the night, and be there en deshabille for Sylvia plus her barrister uncle to find in the morning.
To her credit Helen has her doubts and reservations but Sylvia paints Charles with a dark brush and swears that he’s been unfaithful to her. Really? asks Helen. Yep, you betcha. I’m pretty sure, says Sylvia.
I think we can all guess who Charles turns out to be but hip-deep in it already, Helen continues with the charade even though Charles is nothing but kindness and solicitude for this woman who shows up, at night, in the pouring rain at his doorstep. Hmmm, as she gets to know him, Helen thinks that maybe Charles isn’t as bad as Sylvia makes out. Too late now and the divorce goes through but poor Helen is in the soup because of it then won’t ask for help. Wait, it turns out Charles has fallen in love with Helen enough to confess his sad childhood and the reason he wouldn’t initially give Sylvia the divorce. Could this mean Helen has found her true love? But what will happen when the truth, as it inevitably does and at the worst time, comes out?
Overall, I liked this one but it is dated (first published in 1938 and redone a bit in the mid 70s) and does have its problems. Sylvia is a huge one but by the end somehow I think Helen has shed the need to take care of poor widdle Syliva. Sylvia is that kind of needy woman in distress who can hook men into dropping everything to hike ten miles through a snowstorm to the store because she’s out of milk for her coffee. I used to work with a woman like that and even though I knew what she was (probably unconsciously) doing, I still had to restrain myself from volunteering to help her, so I know Sylvias exist.
Helen is a much better friend but let’s be honest and admit that Helen, despite her second thoughts and third thoughts and feelings that she should have done more investigation before agreeing, goes through with Sylvia’s plan. When she learns more about how badly Charles was treated by his parents (really, it lays out exactly how badly he’s going to be hurt by Helen’s actions), Helen feels even worse but, she desperately tries to tell herself, Charles need never know. Yeah, right.
Charles’s stark pain at this betrayal is obvious to Helen but he goes through part of the farce of their honeymoon (not to Italy though as that is a place for love) then plans to send Helen away with an allowance that will let her live comfortably. Through most of the book, Charles is truly a nice guy under it all. To her credit Helen realizes that if she gives up now, their marriage can never be saved so she gamely sticks to him like a happy homemaker barnacle. She also becomes fiercely defensive of Charles when Sylvia breezes through town.
The way things work out takes them through their own private purgatory with loads of angst and heartache which would probably have been viewed as necessary atonement in 1938. Today I think this would be viewed as a Harlequin Presents. I’ll give Burchell credit for not making any of the characters perfect – they all do something reprehensible. It’s obvious to them, and the reader, that they still love each other but Charles needs to dish out a side of comeuppance to Helen before he realizes what he’s doing and reverses course, and Helen tries her best, through her feelings of guilt, to roll with it. Readers looking for Helen to stand up and kick ass to get his attention and love back will be disappointed. But in the end, both of them prove to the other that “yet love remains.” Burchell’s writing ability saves this one. B-
~Jayne
The divorce rate in the U.S. has steadily fallen over the past two decades, with the latest statistic putting 2.5 per 1,000 marriages ending in divorce or annulment. But while overall rates are dropping, people over 50 have actually seen a rise in divorces.
Dubbed “gray divorce,” data from Pew Research Center show that people who are 50 and up are ending their marriages at more than double the rate they did in the 1990s. Heather Evans is one of them. “I started a divorce at 57,” she says.
“My marriage and divorce were hardest on my four high school and college-aged daughters,” she continues. “I enjoy change, but kids — even very sophisticated kids — really need stability at home.” Evans had moved to the Caribbean with her then-husband and decided to move back to the U.S. after they broke up, which required her to find a job stateside.
“I heard horrors about how hard it would be in my late 50s,” Evans says. “However, I landed a fabulous job as a managing director and chief marketing officer at J.P. Morgan and set up a home for myself and my daughters.”
Evans says both she and her ex-husband had been married before and were prepared for this. “We had a prenup that laid out exactly how we would divide our assets in case of divorce,” she says.
But not all divorces end as smooth as Evans’s. People over 50 dealing with divorce may be caught off guard and unprepared for what happens next. What’s behind this increase in gray divorce, and what kind of challenges do couples in this age group face? Experts break it down.
Every marriage — and breakup — is unique. With that, it’s tough to blame a single cause for gray divorces. However, lawyers who have handled gray divorces have noticed a few trends.
“I believe the increase in divorce among people aged 50 and older can be attributed to societal changes,” says California family law attorney Holly J. Moore of Moore Family Group. “Divorce was less acceptable and often financially unfeasible in the past due to single-income households.”
Unlike in past decades, people now have more freedom and independence. “The mindset has shifted towards prioritizing personal happiness, and individuals are more empowered to leave unhappy marriages,” Moore says. “Also, women now have more diverse roles and identities beyond being solely wives or mothers, which may contribute to their willingness to pursue divorce.”
Longevity likely plays a role, too, says Paul Talbert, a partner with Donohoe Talbert LLP. “People seem to be living longer and are active longer,” he says. “The longer people live, the more opportunity there is to make life changes such as divorce.”
People are also more active later in life than they used to be, Talbert says. “We’re not retiring at 65 anymore. We envision there is lots of living and fulfillment ahead of us,” he says. “Couples are asking themselves, Is this the person I want to spend that time with? Especially if we are retired and work doesn’t fulfill other goals.” Finally, people are becoming less fearful of being alone in old age and less dependent on spouses to take care of them as they age.
If people in their 50s have children, chances are they are older so custody battles aren’t typically much of an issue as they would be in younger divorces, Moore says.
“Health insurance is probably the biggest issue people face,” Talbert adds. “If you are dependent on a spouse for insurance and you’re not yet eligible for Medicare, it can be a significant expense.” He says that some couples may choose to get legally separated instead of divorced so they can retain the ability to be covered on their ex’s health insurance.
“Social security benefits may also be important depending upon your resources,” he says. “Ex-spouses may receive benefits based upon the length of marriage — 10 years is an important marker — marriage status, and other criteria.”
Splitting up retirement funds can also be tricky. “Dividing retirement assets becomes more complicated when the assets are already being paid out,” Moore explains. “This requires reconciling different types of assets and income sources, which can be complex.”
If retirement assets aren’t already being paid out, dividing them may not be difficult. “Most people have retirement assets like a 401k, IRA, and qualified pension plan that can easily be divided by a Qualified Domestic Relations Order issued by the court in connection with the divorce,” Talbert says. “For those who are government employees and have pensions or other retirement assets, those assets can often be more difficult to divide and can have certain benefits that you may not otherwise consider.” If that’s the case, he will often recommend that clients work with a pension expert as well.
If you’re considering a gray divorce, speak with a lawyer in advance. “Spend the time to speak with a divorce attorney to identify potential issues and outcomes so you can make an informed decision and take any steps necessary to put you in the best position if you do decide to get divorced,” Talbert advises.
If you decide to go forward with a divorce, Moore suggests trying to find something that brings positivity to your life at the same time. “Engaging in a hobby or setting new career goals can provide a sense of self-esteem and act as a healthy distraction. Focusing your energy on something positive is important to avoid falling into a negative spiral.”
A gray divorce is the end of marriage but also an opportunity to start anew. For Evans, a gray divorce was the right choice for her. “I am now happily remarried, and I’m confident this one will be forever.”
Login