Infidelity has a way of either making things very messy or painfully clear. For some people, finding out that a partner cheated calls for an immediate break-up, no matter the situation — what we call a dealbreaker. But if both partners try to work things out, even for a short amount of time, the back-and-forth arguments, confusion, and feelings of betrayal and jealousy can cloud the relationship and make it hard to end it or move forward. For those who to choose to stay, well, it often takes a lot of work to re-establish that trust and build that bond up again, and even then, the relationship will never be exactly the same. That’s especially true when the affair results in a baby.

“Messy” doesn’t even begin to cut it for that situation, which is what one woman on Reddit is finding out right now. She agreed to stay with her husband after an affair and an affair baby came to light — but now, somehow, it’s all getting even more complicated. With her husband asking that they take in the affair child (now older), the woman (aka our OP, or the author of the post) responded in a way that has Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum divided. Read the full story, Reddit’s response, and our ultimate takeaways ahead.

About six months after we opened our marriage, my husband, David, stopped me at the door as I was leaving for the night. 

“You and Randy are like boyfriend and girlfriend, huh?” 

A shocked expression painted his face. Yes, Randy and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I was on my way out to see him at that very moment. But why was my husband surprised by this? It was David’s idea to open our marriage, and wasn’t this always one of the risks — that I might get serious with someone else?

While open marriages are becoming more and more popular in our society, with 24% of Americans agreeing that society can benefit from moving toward an open style of monogamy, in our case this type of relationship was only pushing our marriage closer to its breaking point. My husband was not happy when he learned I’d fallen for another man.

Our open marriage would ultimately end in divorce — and it was the best thing that could’ve happened.

Why we opened our marriage

David and I first decided to open our marriage after years of marital strife. We had two children with different special needs who necessitated a lot of attention. A lot of my attention. 

Modern woman though I might be, I soon found myself solely in charge of raising our two children while David relaxed. He’d been out of work for a couple of years and wasn’t looking for a new job, all the while we plunged deeper into dire financial straits. 

Not exactly the stuff that stokes the fires of a woman’s libido. I was rarely in the mood for sex. Instead, I collapsed into bed after one stressful day after another, dealing with the kids and all the housework, cleaning up after my blissfully unemployed husband. 

I felt emotionally neglected, put-upon, and humiliated as he asked for handouts from his wealthy family while I struggled with freelance work. We ended up in marriage therapy. After arguing our way through one session, my husband asked if I wanted to open our marriage. 

I’d heard that more and more people were doing this and reaping the benefits of closer connections and renewed passion. But us? Despite my growing disinterest with my husband, I couldn’t imagine us dating other people while we were married to each other. So, initally, I refused. 

Instead, I concentrated on rebuilding intimacy in our relationship. But then, one night, I initiated sex only to feel disgusted afterward. That was the last straw. I told David we could open our marriage. 

At first, dating other men was exhilarating. It made me feel like I was young again — young and single. But the purpose of opening our marriage was to bring us closer, so I waited for this to happen for David and me. It never did. Dating other people just frayed what little connection we still had left. 

I wasn’t jealous of the other women David was seeing. Instead, I just felt more distant from him. One night, after one of his dates, he slipped into bed beside me. I could smell her perfume on him. He reached to caress my leg, and I pushed him away. 

“Don’t touch me!” I snapped.

Let these other women have him. Besides, I had met someone else who captured my heart. 

I fell for another man 

When Randy and I first matched on Tinder, sparks flew. He lived nearby, and we quickly eased into a routine. I never lied to David. He knew where I was going almost every night around 10 p.m. when I’d leave him with our sleeping children to go to Randy’s place. 

Randy and I would enjoy a beer, watch a movie, and then have sex. While I did sleep over, I left Randy’s early in the morning so I would be back home before the children woke up. It wasn’t the perfect arrangement, but after spending so much time with him, I couldn’t help but start to have serious feelings for Randy. 

Because David and I had agreed to see other people — and because it was his idea to start with — I thought he wouldn’t have a problem with this. He clearly did. 

When he expressed his dissatisfaction with my relationship with another man, I finally realized I had to get out of my marriage and initiate a divorce. That realization came with another: I wanted to get more serious with Randy, now that I was going to be single again. 

It didn’t go as planned. Though Randy had never expressed any issue with my marriage to another man, when I told him I was planning on leaving David and was available for a deeper commitment, he broke up with me. 

I had fallen for Randy, but he didn’t feel the same about me. 

Why I’m glad that my open marriage ended in divorce

Do I feel remorse that David and I opened our marriage, leading to our divorce and my getting dumped by the other man I was dating? It might surprise you, but my answer is no. I’m glad my marriage is over. David and I weren’t right for one another. Randy and I weren’t either. It’s also OK that he ended things with me.

Instead, I’m grateful for my experience with an open marriage, because it was the push I needed to leave David. For years, I was too scared to divorce him. I needed something — someone — to compel me into action. Opening my marriage and falling for Randy were the necessary events to catapult me out of my terrible circumstances. 

Stagnating in an unhappy marriage was unhealthy for me. Subjecting our children to continual fighting was bad for them. David and I surely weren’t modeling good behavior for our kids. The best thing I could do for myself and my children was to divorce their father. 

I also learned something about myself: I’m not wired for open relationships. I really just want to be in love with one person. 

This doesn’t mean I think there’s anything wrong with open marriages. I don’t believe they always end in divorce. Some people have success with them. But I do think this is only when the relationship is strong and healthy. 

I don’t doubt the future will bring even more open relationships in our society, but, I think people need to understand that consensual non-monogamy isn’t a cure-all. It can’t fix a relationship that’s already broken.

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A huge-hearted, redemptive coming-of-old-age tale, a love story, and an ode to good food

Nothing could be more out of character, but after fifty-nine years of marriage, as her husband Bernard’s health declines, and her friends’ lives become focused on their grandchildren—which Jenny never had—Jenny decides she wants a little something for herself. So she secretly applies to be a contestant on the prime-time TV show Britain Bakes.

Whisked into an unfamiliar world of cameras and timed challenges, Jenny delights in a new-found independence. But that independence, and the stress of the competition, starts to unearth memories buried decades ago. Chocolate teacakes remind her of a furtive errand involving a wedding ring; sugared doughnuts call up a stranger’s kind act; a simple cottage loaf brings back the moment her life changed forever.

With her baking star rising, Jenny struggles to keep a lid on that first secret—a long-concealed deceit that threatens to shatter the very foundations of her marriage. It’s the only time in six decades that she’s kept something from Bernard. By putting herself in the limelight, has Jenny created a recipe for disaster?

Dear Ms. Ford, 

When I watch the GBBO, I have found myself pulling for the older contestants. They often do the “classics,” talk about how they started baking them with their nans, and generally are a joy to watch. I guess that’s me getting closer to their ages than to the younger people. So of course when I saw this book, I knew I wanted to read it. Let me say, reading about all the bakes made me ravenous and any weight I gain I will blame on Mrs. Quinn’s sweets!

So much of what Jenny Quinn says are things I’ve heard GBBO contestants saying. I never thought I would be accepted. I never thought I’d do well. I’ve gained self confidence and now I won’t hold myself back anymore. Jenny Quinn is from a generation that aspired to be secretaries (she and a mate were taking courses) much like (I think) a Mary Burchell heroine. That, for Reasons, didn’t happen for her and she’s spent the past almost 60 years being a housewife. Jenny has loved her husband Bernard (a Prince Among Men), loved baking, and loved being Aunty Jenny. But she’s seventy seven now and something makes her think “now or never” as she prints off the application for Britain Bakes. Scared to jinx it, she tells no one.

There are bobbles and near misses with people finding out but after a fraught afternoon in London with three of her bakes (one of which a delightful young man helps her to salvage), she hears back and learns she’s beaten the odds over twelve thousand other applicants. Bernard is a bit stunned that she didn’t tell him but is quickly behind her 100%. But there’s one other secret, a much longer one, that Jenny has kept from Bernard. 

As I read the story, I muttered under my breath, please don’t turn treacly. There were moments when things could have gone cloying and sentimental but, yay, didn’t. That isn’t to say that things aren’t heartfelt and emotional but it’s British emotional and older generation emotional. Things are contained rather than shouted out loud but the feels are there. 

The scenes from the show were a variation on GBBO but not exactly. I liked that realistically not everything went perfectly for Jenny. Part of the reason she made it onto the show was her ability to think on her feet and improvise which I think all the contestants who make it far can do. Her relationship with Azeez is lovely and the way her family cheers her on and supports her is fantastic.  

I guessed what Jenny’s long held secret would be but my speculation on why she and Bernard never had children had a soggy bottom. Her reasoning does make sense – for her – but poor Bernard. I agree with Jenny when the realization hits her of what her decisions cost him. What Jenny endured (Ray was a rat fink) was delicately described but no less agonizing due to the attitudes of the times. When the truth comes out, as readers know it will, Bernard comes up trumps in my opinion even if I thought he ought to take a little bit more time over his reaction. But then he and Jenny have had an amazing marriage for almost 60 years and Bernard displays 1 Corinthians 13. 

Overall, in the book things tended to go better than I would expect so maybe it lacks a little depth. Yes there are some stumbles and missteps along with a bit of emotional pain but the story is well described as heartfelt, uplifting, and charming. Jenny and Bernard are a wonderful couple though yes, I wish Jenny hadn’t kept her secrets from the man who loves her so deeply. I would like to apply to be in the Bernard Quinn Fan Club. Booyah that your cat approves of the book. This is another book that I devoured (pun intended) and enjoyed very much. B+

~Jayne    

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If you’ve never heard of “baby-trapping,” count yourself lucky, because it’s a pretty terrible thing to do to someone. Baby-trapping is when one partner in a relationship deliberately gets themselves or their partner pregnant to prevent their partner from leaving. It’s usually done in a sneaky way (think: going off the pill without saying anything, poking holes in condoms) so the other partner can’t do anything about it and doesn’t know until the pregnancy test comes back positive. Like we said, it’s no way to treat your partner, because 1.) no one should ever be coerced into having a child, 2.) consent is a thing??, and 3.) manipulating someone, in general, is not the way to a healthy relationship. Honesty truly is the best policy, folks.

So we’re not here to say baby-trapping is ever OK… but we are here to say that maybe some of us need a refresher on its definition. Specifically, we’re talking to a man who recently accused his fiancée of baby-trapping him, despite the fact that she’s had her tubes tied. Yep, you heard that right. She’s been accused of baby-trapping when she can’t even have a baby, and she’s come to Reddit’s relationship advice forum looking for some help on moving forward from this. Which is fair, because again, what? Our OP (aka the fiancée, the author of the post) is understandably confused.

Keep reading for the whole story and to get Reddit’s incredulous take on it all.

General rule of thumb: if you think opening up your marriage or relationship will save your marriage or relationship, it’s probably not going to work. Don’t just take our word for it: experts and women who’ve tried open relationships (including one mom who wrote a bestselling memoir about the experience) have told SheKnows that open relationships are best started from a place of complete trust and commitment. If you’re dealing with deep marital issues, introducing other partners into the mix will probably not solve the issue.

We can understand the temptation, though. Let’s say, for example, your marriage is pretty much fine. You get along well, you’re good co-parents, you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this partnership… but you’re just not sexually compatible anymore. At least one of you isn’t feeling fulfilled, for whatever reason. Why blow up the whole marriage when you could just open up your relationship and have your sexual needs met elsewhere?

That’s essentially the case for one woman on Reddit, who shared her story on the site’s Am I the Asshole? forum recently. Our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) is dealing with a classic dead bedroom issue with her husband and is at her wit’s end. She’s suggested an open marriage to avoid divorce, but after her husband’s response, now she’s wondering if she was an asshole for even bringing it up. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.

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If there’s one thing that Drs. John and Julie Gottman want every couple to know, it’s that fighting is normal. In fact, Julie tells SheKnows, 69 percent of all problems within a relationship are what the Gottmans call perpetual issues, meaning they don’t necessarily get solved… ever. “Don’t freak out about it,” says Julie, a clinical psychologist. “It’s normal.”

The Gottmans are both relationship experts, cofounders of The Gottman Institute, and co-authors of multiple bestselling books on love and marriage, so they know a few things about couples in conflict. Now they’re sharing that knowledge in their new book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, which has a simple but revolutionary thesis: that fighting with your partner, far from being a bad thing, is actually an opportunity for emotional intimacy. “Conflict has a goal,” says John, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. “The goal is mutual understanding, as opposed to winning… It’s really a way we can get closer.” In other words, an argument with your partner isn’t a battle with a winner and a loser; it’s a collaboration, a way to connect.

It’s a nice way to think about it, but how do you actually do that in real life, when your blood’s boiling, your voice is raised, and this person you love looks more like an adversary? The Gottmans boiled down their decades of research into a few tangible tips for turning your arguments into moments of connection, and while doing so, they also unearthed several common mistakes preventing that from happening. Below, check out six things to avoid in your next argument with your partner and what to do instead.

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Mistake #1: You’re coming in too hot.

The beginning of your argument or conflict conversation is extremely important, and not only for how the conversation is going to go. According to their research, Julie says, “the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predict with 96 percent accuracy how the rest of that conversation is going to go, and also [with 90 percent accuracy]… how the rest of the relationship is going to go,” up to six years down the line. That’s a lot of pressure to put on those first three minutes, but the Gottmans say there’s a formula that can help you succeed — and a few things to avoid.

Many people enter a conflict conversation by “dropping a bomb”: lobbing a verbal grenade and launching a surprise attack on their partner. This can look like harsh criticism of your partner (“You’re such a slob”), jumping into what they’re doing wrong (“Why can’t you just do the dishes for once?”), or piling on any other issues that have been bothering you, aka “kitchen sinking” (“I shouldn’t be surprised — it’s not like you ever do laundry or clean up after the kids.”).

Instead, the Gottmans suggest starting with a strategy they’ve observed in their most successful couples, aka the “masters of love.” There are three parts to it:

Start with your feelings: Whether you’re upset, stressed, angry, or sad, say what you’re feeling before you even get to talking about your partner.

State the situation that’s causing the feeling. Julie emphasizes that you want to point out a situation here (the dishes aren’t done), not a personality flaw of your partner (the dishes aren’t done because your partner is lazy).

Say what you need in a positive way. The Gottmans call this a positive need, meaning, you’re not telling your partner to stop doing something, but rather what they can do to fix the issue. It’s the difference between “Stop being so lazy” and “Can you do the dishes while I’m putting the kids to bed?” Your partner becomes your collaborator rather than your adversary.

Put together, this would look something like: “It stresses me out when you don’t do the dishes after I’ve cooked all evening. Would you mind starting on them while I put the kids to bed?” The conversation will be much more productive when your partner doesn’t feel attacked right out of the gate.

Mistake #2: You’re staying in the shallows

Remember those perpetual problems that are at the heart of most of our arguments with our partners? Just because they can’t be perfectly solved doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about them. There is often a core need, or what the Gottmans call a dream, at the heart of these perpetual problem gridlocks, something extremely important to one or both partners that hasn’t been unearthed or articulated.

Unless an issue is purely logistical, don’t stay on the surface. When you’re in conflict with your partner, Julie explains, it’s so important to “pause to deeply understand your partner’s position on something, including understanding what values are connected to it and what personal history might be connected.” For each partner, what’s the ideal outcome in this situation, “and is there some sense of life, purpose, or meaning attach to their position on this issue?” It’s crucial to understand the depths behind your differences in opinions before you even start moving toward resolving them.

Mistake #3: You’re compromising your core needs.

Relatedly, compromising is an important step to resolving an issue, but it’s crucial that the compromise doesn’t infringe upon one of your core needs or dreams. “If you give up a core need, then the compromise will be sabotaged,” John explains. “It won’t work. So you have to understand what each person’s core need is, and you have to protect that before you get into a solution to the problem.”

And yes, this means that some problems may not be resolved — and that some relationships, ultimately, won’t work out because of it. If one partner’s dream is to have children and the other’s is to stay childless, well, there’s no way to compromise on that without one partner sacrificing their dream. That leads to dissatisfaction, resentment, and an unhappy relationship — one that might be better off ending, so both partners can build the life they want.

Mistake #4: You’re on the negative side of the Magic Ratio.

The Gottmans’ research on couples’ conflicts revealed that couples who stay together happily are able to maintain a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in their arguments — in other words doing five positive things for every negative thing.

A positive interaction, in this case, could be as small as a nod or an acknowledgment that the partner is listening (like “I never thought of that” or “good point”), a gesture of affection or validation, or a moment of shared humor, interest or curiosity in what the other person is saying. Negative things might be expressions of angry criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or giving the silent treatment (more on those in a minute). The Gottmans’ “masters of love” would have a 5:1 ratio (or better) of positive to negative during an argument; the couples who ended up separating or staying together unhappily “had a ratio that averaged 0.8:1 — more negativity than positivity,” John explained. It’s important to have more positivity than negativity because the hurt of negative interactions and comments has a more lasting effect than positive ones, he says. “A lot more positivity has to be there to balance a negative.”

You can shift a conflict to the positive side, the Gottmans say, by making a repair attempt, which they define in Fight Right as “any comment or action that counteracts the negativity in a fight and prevents a conversation from escalating.” Repair attempts might include:

Crucially, both partners need to be open to a repair attempt, both the one making the attempt and the one responding to it.

Mistake #5: You’re being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling.

The Gottmans call criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because couples who exhibited these behaviors during conflict “were likely to split an average of five years post-wedding,” they write. These are the behaviors on the negative end of the magic ratio, the ones you want to avoid as much as possible.

What makes these behaviors so hurtful? For starters, Julie says, criticism “is a way of saying, ‘You’re not worthy of my love.'” It’s the opposite of showing love to a partner — you’re expressing how much you don’t love them and the specific things that you don’t like. It triggers insecurity and “can be very painful for people to hear, because it counteracts their basic need to be loved and to be respected.”

Contempt is the same thing, but done from a position of superiority. “That feels even worse,” Julie says. “[Contempt] is sulfuric acid on a relationship.”

Defensiveness, then, is a natural response to feeling attacked through criticism or contempt, an attempt to shield ourselves from the pain by reflecting it back on our partner. Stonewalling, meanwhile, happens when someone “completely shuts down” and is no longer able or willing to continue the conversation. “That signals to the other person, ‘They don’t wanna hear me. Maybe I’m being rejected,'” Julie explains, triggering feelings of abandonment or loneliness on the part of the person being stonewalled, when what they’re looking for is connection and communication.

Defensiveness and stonewalling often occur in moments of emotional flooding (more on that in a second), Julie adds, meaning that calling for a break — or, in the case of defensiveness, acknowledging to your partner that you’re feeling defensive — can defuse the situation and allow both of you to come back when the Four Horsemen aren’t quite so powerful.

Mistake #6: You’re getting flooded with emotion.

Maintaining the positive ratio and avoiding the Four Horsemen sounds simple enough until you’re actually in the argument, getting angry and frustrated with your partner. The Gottmans call this “flooding.” Similar to “fight or flight” mode, flooding occurs when we get “overwhelmed in conflict, hijacked by our own nervous system in response to negativity from our partners,” the Gottmans write. Flooding doesn’t mean you’re making a mistake per se, as it’s a natural reaction that many of us experience during conflict, but what you do when you’re getting flooded can determine the outcome of your argument and relationship. “When we see a pattern of flooding in a couple… we know that without intervention, they’re headed for a split,” the Gottmans write. That’s because, when you’re flooded, “you’re incapable of fighting right.” You just can’t process information, hear what your partner is saying, and respond instinctively with something negative.

If this experience sounds familiar, the first thing to do is recognize your own personal signs of flooding, which can include shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, face redness, or muscle tightness. If you start to feel any of these, Julie says, call for a break in the fight. When you do this, “everything needs to stop on a dime,” she explains. Then, tell your partner when you’ll come back to talk about it again; Julie says the break should last a minimum of 30 minutes and no longer than 24 hours.

While you’re taking your break, resist the urge to think about the fight or plan what you’re going to say when you come back; that’s just going to keep you in that flooded state. “Instead, you need to do something self-soothing,” Julie says, like exercising, going for a walk, doing yoga, listening to music, reading, doing email — anything that “gets your mind off the fight so that your body has a chance to metabolize the adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones that have flooded your blood supply,” she says.

When you and your partner reconvene, “typically you’ll be much more calm and gentle,” Julie says, which means you’ll be more capable of initiating repair attempts and interacting on the positive side of that magic ratio.

Before you go, check out our favorite books on manifesting the life of your dreams:

What do you do when your partner asks for an open relationship? It’s a problem many monogamous couples never expect to have, but people are more accepting of open relationships than ever, with a third of Americans deeming open marriages acceptable, per a 2023 Pew survey, including more than 50 percent of American adults under 30.

Many people believe open relationships are just an excuse to cheat without getting in trouble, but there are some legitimate upsides. You get to experience other kinds of relationships, expand your capacity to love, and broaden your sexual horizon. That said, open relationships aren’t for everyone. So what happens if the conversation comes up and one partner is a hard no… but the other really wants to try it?

One couple on Reddit is in that exact situation, and it’s as complicated and anxiety-inducing as you might think. In this case, the wife is the one asking to open up the marriage, while her husband (our OP, Reddit-speak for the author of the post) isn’t interested at all. Specifically, he thinks it’s “totally unacceptable.” Now he’s hurt and she’s “heartbroken,” and they’re wondering where they even begin to go from here. Reddit, of course, had quite a few opinions on the topic. Keep reading for the full story, Reddit’s thoughts, and our ultimate takeaways.

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Molly Roden Winter can vividly recall the moment her oldest son found out about her open marriage. Understandable, really. It’s not every day you find yourself taking an awkward-as-hell phone call in the middle of an airport, preparing to talk with your child about your sex life.

“That moment was terror,” Winter tells SheKnows a few weeks after the release of her bestselling book, More: A Memoir of Open Marriage, which opens with the airport scene. There was embarrassment, of course, at the prospect of talking to her 13-year-old son about this particular topic, but the emotions ran deeper than that. “Ultimately, it was about shame for me,” Winter said. She was terrified her son, Daniel, would either think less of her or “be damaged in some way by what I was doing.”

What Winter was doing was dating other men while staying married to her husband, who, for his part, was also dating other women — in other words, an open relationship. Daniel found out by glimpsing the profile her husband, Stewart, had posted on a dating website. (Coincidentally, Winter’s younger son, Nate, found out the same way a few years ago. “My husband’s sloppiness,” Winter sighs.)

More is filled with moments like this, infused with secondhand cringe so strong you might have to put the book down for a minute. And yes, before you ask, there are also plenty of sexy interludes with Winter’s various partners, but those are often followed by distress as Winter learned to manage the maelstrom of emotions, from euphoria to guilt to poisonous jealousy, that came with navigating life outside the bounds of monogamy.

It’s what she hopes to show through the memoir: an honest portrayal of an open relationship that’s as challenging as it is joyous. “We have myriad examples of monogamy, so let’s offer some models of non-monogamy as well,” Winter says. “We need models of people who have been through some rough stuff so you have some guidance as to where this might go and how you might handle it when it happens.”

For Winter, opening up her marriage was a mutual decision. Overwhelmed with the demands of mothering two young children, she found herself crushing on an acquaintance. “I met somebody and was just flooded with this feeling that I didn’t know what to do with,” Winter recalls. “I didn’t know what it meant, but my husband encouraged me to act on it. And that’s the story of More.”

We caught up with Winter to talk about what it’s really like to juggle the responsibilities of parenthood within an open marriage and how it’s made her happier and more fulfilled than ever.

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

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SheKnows: So… that moment with your son at the beginning of the book. What was that like?

Molly Roden Winter: That moment was terror. In retrospect, I’m like, of course, he found out. I really wish I would have preempted it and and revealed it rather than let him discover it.

Now that my kids are 19 and almost 22, I feel a lot calmer about how things went. You’re kind of waiting to make sure you haven’t totally screwed them up, you know? There’s a line in the book where I ask my therapist, ‘Do you think I’ve screwed Daniel up?’ and my therapist says, ‘I think you’re screwing him up the exact average amount.’

We’re all doing our best. What I understand now is that the most important thing is for me to be my authentic self with my children, and that doesn’t mean I can’t have boundaries, or I can’t have private things in my life.

SK: That’s a major part of the book, too. Your role as a mom, and how it took over your whole identity, was a big impetus for you to open your marriage.

MRW: It was. I was 26 when I got married, which is pretty young, by New York standards [Winter lives in Brooklyn], and my whole life I kind of raced to do everything. I skipped a grade, I went to college at 16, and then I had one serious boyfriend before I met my husband. All of those years, my ‘identity’ was to be as good as I could be to please everyone all the time, which becomes impossible, and I had never really let myself figure out who the heck I was.

Stewart was the second man I went out on a date with. I didn’t expect to fall in love again that fast after my previous relationship, and Stewart told me before we even got engaged, ‘You know, there’s no way you’re gonna be okay with never sleeping with someone else again.’ He was five years older. He’d had a couple year-long relationships, but as I like to say, he dated the city. I still don’t know how many women he dated before we got married. (I also don’t know how many women he dated after we got married. Isn’t that funny?)

I consider myself lucky that I made a great choice of partner in a husband who recognized early on that I had some living to do, and he wanted to be part of it, not someone who thwarted it.

SK: Being a mom in an open marriage, you talk about having to code-switch between being a woman who’s actively dating and getting intimate with different men, and then coming back home and tucking your kids in for bed. Was there a period of adjusting to those two separate lives and bringing them together?

MRW: Yeah, I think some code-switching is gonna be required, but I think you need a little of it. You need that space to even be able to code-switch, you know what I mean? We encourage women to give up their full selves when they become mothers. I think you have to, as a mom, find a way to integrate these different parts of yourself into an authentic whole, and it’s not easy.

In other cultures it’s more accepted for a woman to be a sexual being and a mother, but in our culture — for whatever reason, our puritanical roots perhaps — we have this divide. And it doesn’t even have to be sexual, it just has to be authentic and whole. We need to find more space in our lives to embrace things that are not fulfilled by the role of mother.

SK: And that fear you mentioned, that you’re going to screw up your kid if you don’t give them every inch of your energy — in your experience, that hasn’t been the case.

MRW: No, and in fact, I do feel like my full, authentic self all the time, and because I’m able to do that, my kids now bring their authentic self to me. That’s a lovely thing. They don’t have to sanitize themselves for me. They know I’m not going to clutch my pearls. Yes, I can still be a bit of a worrier, but that’s part of it. I allow myself to be flawed, and so they feel like they feel like they can be flawed with me as well, in a way that’s a lot more relaxed and healthy.

SK: So, you mentioned your younger son, Nate, found out about your open marriage in a similar way…

MRW: I mean, almost exactly the same. It was also social media. I was actually meditating in my room when it happened, and the way I reacted was so different because I was coming from this secure, calm place.

He runs up the stairs, so anxious, like, ‘Dad’s cheating on you!’ And all I said was, ‘Honey. No, he’s not. Everything is fine. Let me finish my meditation, and then we’ll talk.’ I finished my meditation, then I called my husband and I was like, ‘What the hell did you do now?!’

This time we talked about it together with him, instead of one at a time. It was scattered and and not very well thought-through with our older child, and with our younger child, I think we handled it better and talked about it with a united front.

And again, it’s not easy. It’s not easy talking to your teenagers about sex, period, and it’s certainly not easy talking about your own sex life. It’s hard for kids to deal with, only because, in my opinion, in our culture, we don’t normalize that. We make it sound like there’s something deviant happening when, in fact, it’s totally normal to be a sexual person and a parent.

SK: Have you ever considered introducing your kids to your other partners?

MRW: A couple months ago, I introduced my current boyfriend of three years to my oldest, who is 21. I wanted to invite them both to my birthday party and I asked my son in advance if that would be OK, and he said yes.

But it’s all dependent on the situation. There’s a section in the book where a man I was dating wanted me to meet his younger son. And I didn’t want to, because I wasn’t sure where our relationship was headed. I used to be a middle school teacher and I know how kids can bond with adults that are not their parents, and I didn’t want him to like me and then lose me. His parents were getting a divorce, too, and I didn’t want to be seen as the reason for that. And if I was the reason for that, I needed to absent myself completely, because I shouldn’t be.

There are polyamorous families, more like kitchen table poly, where people are really, firmly established in your life as part of your family unit. That’s not the style of polyamory that my husband and I have. I’m not saying that one is better than the other, but that was never my interest.

I think it’s an individual decision to make, and how it’s going to impact the kids is something to consider. If you think your relationship is shaky, introducing the person to your kids is not gonna make the relationship solid.

SK: When you first open up your marriage, you set a bunch of rules with Stewart, and then you go on to mostly break almost all of them. By the end of the book, you both agree to follow just one rule, which is that you’re going to be honest with each other. Why do you think that’s the most important?

MRW: I’ve actually added a second rule, too, so I’ll get to that in a second. But I think honesty is so crucial to trust. Once you’ve been in a marriage that is this open for this long — it’s been almost 16 years since we opened our marriage, and we’ve been married for 24 — we’re at a point now where the trust is baked in to who we are as a couple.

We also keep choosing each other. I know we’re not going anywhere, but it’s because we choose each other, not because we’re stuck. We both have had experiences where a partner wanted us to leave our spouse to be in a monogamous relationship with someone else, and that’s never what I wanted and never what my husband wanted. The reason I felt like I could explore was because I had that secure base.

We didn’t want a marriage that was based on anything other than choosing each other. I wanted him to want to be with me, and I don’t think that kind of freedom is the anathema to commitment. I think it’s got to be part of the commitment.

SK: And the second rule?

MRW: The second rule is that once you’re honest with each other, feelings are gonna come up, and you have to help your partner with those feelings. So if I want my husband to tell me that he’s going out with someone new and then he tells me how hilarious she was, I might have some feelings about that. And Stewart used say, ‘Well, I shouldn’t tell you anything, cause you just freak out.’ And that wasn’t working for me.

Those feelings are the price of admission. Yes, I might get upset, but then you have to help me deal with that. Sometimes I need you to give me a hug, or tell me nice things, or maybe I want a special date night. Before, he would get angry at my anger because I had given him permission to do something but then got upset when he did it. I see how that was unfair, but at the same time, it’s normal and natural. So we had to evolve into that.

SK: What advice do you have for someone considering opening up their relationship?

MRW: One of my rules of thumb is that, if one person is more enthusiastic than the other, the less enthusiastic person needs to go first. That seems a little counterintuitive, but in my experience, my husband was always pretty enthusiastic, so I was the one who went first. Once I was able to realize that my feelings for another man are making me love my husband more, not less, that helped to mitigate some of the threat I might feel if if my husband started developing feelings for someone else. And we had to really talk our way through it the whole time.

You’ve also got to just keep checking in with each other. You can make rules, but think of them more as guardrails and be aware that you’re gonna hit the guardrails sometimes. You’re gonna realize, ‘Oh, we need to make this lane a little wider.’ It’s about continuing to talk with each other throughout the process.

And also, you can’t save your marriage by opening it. You have to be pretty darn committed to the communication piece and understanding that it’s about the relationship, but even more so, it’s about you two as individuals, and you’ve gotta be willing to give some space to your partner for where this is gonna take them.

SK: After these years in an open marriage and reflecting on it in your memoir, what would you say is the hardest part of being in an open marriage? And what’s the best part?

MRW: The hardest part is definitely the jealousy, but the jealousy is a mask for fear. That, and the heartbreak — all the negative feelings are the hardest part. I’ve loved people and then lost them. I have had intense jealousy. I’ve had fear, feeling like I was going to lose my husband.

But as it so happens, I think that’s why I got the best parts, which are the things that I have learned about myself and the ways in which I’ve grown. I really feel that love is not finite, and it’s not just theoretical anymore — I’ve felt that I can love this person fully and this person fully. I just have more love in me and coming to me than I ever have before.

People ask me all the time, ‘If the open marriage was so hard, why did you do it?’ and for me, it was because I got this glimpse early on that there was something here that I needed to confront, and I could sense that open marriage was a way for me to confront it. Anything in life that is painful is an opportunity to learn and grow. This has been a trial by fire for me, but out of it has come this incredible self-knowledge and love that I wouldn’t trade.

Open relationships come with a lot of unique challenges. That’s not a shocking thing to say, considering that every type of relationship on the planet has challenges, but with open relationships, you’re dealing with emotions that most of us aren’t too comfortable with. Jealousy is one of them, alongside fear, uncertainty, and insecurity, just to name a few. Seeing your partner date, sleep with, or even fall in love with other people can just be uncomfortable, even if you gave them permission to do those things — and even if you’re doing those things yourself.

One woman on Reddit is looking for advice for dealing with her own jealousy and insecurity in her open marriage. She and her husband opened up their relationship a year ago, and after a slow start on her husband’s part, he’s finally found a woman to date whom he’s very into: gushing about her, staying up for hours talking with her, giving her lavish gifts and dates. Now our OP (Reddit-speak for the author of the post) is feeling a little neglected, but when she brought her feelings up to her husband, it turned into a screaming argument.

Like we said, jealousy is a common experience in open relationships, as many other Reddit posts can attest to. So what exactly happened in our OP’s case, and what does Reddit have to say about it? Keep reading for the full story (plus an update from OP).

Does it seem like everyone is talking about open relationships lately? It’s not just you — interest and acceptance of open relationships has been on the rise over the last few years. It’s a trend that experts speaking to the BBC trace back to about 2016, and as of 2023, a full third of Americans believe open marriages are acceptable, according to a Pew survey. And that number is set to keep growing; though monogamous relationships are still the norm, 51 percent of the younger generation (adults ages 18 to 29) approves of open marriages.

Of course, there’s still a lot of stigma and stereotypes around open relationships: that they’re just a guilt-free way to cheat, a soft launch for a break-up, an excuse for horny monogamous partners (usually men, the stereotype goes) to step out. It doesn’t help that most of the stories we hear about open relationships seem to go one way: one partner pushes for it, the other reluctantly gives in, then the instigator immediately gets jealous when they see just how popular their partner really is. There are dozens of Reddit posts (and, until recently, a whole forum) dedicated to this seemingly common experience. Spoiler alert: the primary relationship doesn’t usually survive.

The good news is that not all open relationships follow this pattern. “Open relationships can be incredibly fulfilling for many individuals,” Lauren Consul, LMFT, a therapist specializing in open relationships, tells SheKnows. Consul believes that lingering social stigma dissuades people from talking about their positive experiences, which feeds into this “skewed perspective,” she says. “The narratives we often hear tend to revolve around relationships that didn’t work out, possibly because they were not approached in a constructive manner.”

It’s clear that we still have a lot of work to do around truly understanding and accepting open relationships. That starts with learning what an open relationship really is, whether it can work (it can!), and what it’s really like to be in one — from women who are actually doing it.

What is an open relationship?

The definition of open relationship varies, but generally speaking, it refers to an established couple who agrees to “have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time,” therapist and behavioral analyst Laurie Singer, LMFT, BCBA, tells SheKnows. One or both partners might be involved in outside relationships, and those relationships themselves can range from purely sexual to dating to deeply emotionally intimate — it all depends. “An open relationship encompasses a myriad of possibilities,” Consul says.

To add to the confusion, there are also multiple different words used to describe open relationships, including open marriages (if the couple is married), consensual or ethical non-monogamy (ENM or CNM), and polyamory (more on that later). “As the landscape around non-monogamous relationships is continually evolving, it’s important to avoid assumptions when someone labels their relationship,” Consul says.

As for why people choose to try open relationships, well, there are a variety of reasons for that too. People may be looking for:

Couples may also look to open up their relationships due to a lack of communication, Singer says, which usually comes from fear. For example, if a partner in a long-term relationship isn’t satisfied sexually, “they may not want to hurt their partners feelings yet still seek out a way to fill what’s missing without doing it behind their partners back,” she says.

Polyamory vs. open relationship: What’s the difference?

Polyamory and open relationships often get confused with each other, but they’re two different types of non-monogamy, licensed mental health counselor Daniel Rich of Clarity Therapy tells SheKnows. “While an open relationship is usually one where partners are still emotionally monogamous, polyamory allows partners to have sexual, emotional, and romantic relationships with multiple people,” Rich explains. In polyamory, Consul agrees, there is “an assumption that love or emotional connections are integral to the additional relationships.”

Another difference: in an open relationship, there’s a primary couple. Within that couple, either one or both partners may be seeing other people, typically (but not always) with an emphasis on physical rather than emotional connections. In polyamory, meanwhile, “someone may enter in to two separate relationships at the same time and see them each as equal,” Singer notes.

Polyamory is where you also tend to hear about different relationship structures, Rich says, of which there are many. Some common ones include:

Triads or quads: three or four people all dating each other

Kitchen table polyamory: all partners know each other and share social spaces, even if they aren’t dating

Parallel polyamory: someone may have multiple partners who do not know each other or share social spaces

“The idea is to find a relationship structure that meets the relational, sexual, and emotional needs of both you and your partners,” Rich explains.

Do open relationships work?

Consensual nonmonogamy isn’t for everyone, but open relationships can “absolutely” work, says Consul. “When approached with respect, trust, and open communication, open relationships can create a space for personal growth, exploration, and deeper connections among partners,” Consul explains. As with any relationship, you’ll need to put in some work and prioritize communication, boundaries, and creating an environment of trust and understanding.

It’s also important that both partners are fully onboard. “If one person in the primary relationship is not open to the idea then a negative outcome is almost certain,” says Singer. “No person should feel bullied into agreeing to an open relationship and if pressure exists, there will most likely be resentment down the road.” It’s also worth noting that if you’re considering opening up your marriage as a way to ignore, cover up, or repair underlying issues, that won’t work either. “Some may think an open relationship will fix whatever deep-seeded issues they may have, but more than likely, they will carry over into any relationship,” Singer explains.

It’s all about creating safety and trust, our experts say. If you rush at the beginning of an open relationship (which is common when one partner is pushing for it), you’re sowing “impatience, pressure, and unintentionality” right when you need the exact opposite of those things, Rich says. “That being said, a rocky start doesn’t mean an open relationship cannot become fulfilling for both partners in the long term,” he adds. “Slowing down, addressing any pain that may have been caused, and moving forward intentionally can lead to a better, more fulfilling outcome.”

In the same way, just because one partner is initially more interested in an open relationship than the other, doesn’t mean the relationship can never be opened successfully. In a healthy partnership, being open to being influenced by your partner is a good thing, explains Consul. She stresses that “influence” does not mean coercion or manipulation. “Being open to being influenced by your partner means you respect your partner so much that you want to hear and are curious about their ideas and thoughts, even if they are different from your own,” she says. Oftentimes, one partner might present the idea of non-monogamy to a partner who hadn’t previously considered it, but after “collaborative and respectful discussion with their partner, they decide they are open to exploring different aspects of it,” Consul says.

What’s it like to be in an open relationship?

Every open relationship is different, but there will always be pros and cons to deal with. Feelings of jealousy, doubt, insecurity, and rejection can be common in open relationships, especially at the beginning, Rich says. People in open relationships might also find it hard to juggle multiple emotional connections, time commitments, and societal perceptions, Consul adds.

That said, an open relationship is also an opportunity for excitement, self-discovery, and deepening your connection with your primary partner, Rich says. “When open relationships are approached and maintained in a proactive, supportive way, the experience is one of greater fulfillment, pleasure, and living in a way that feels more authentic to each person,” he explains.

Open relationship stories from real women

Of course, there’s no better way to find out what it’s really like to be in an open relationship than to talk to people who’ve actually done it themselves. Here’s what six women have to say why they opened their relationship and some of the pros and cons of being open.

Long-distance love

“Crazy travel schedules and long months apart led to our open relationship. At times, it’s hard to avoid getting jealous, and it can be challenging to sustain communication across the miles and time zones. Missing each other doesn’t help, either. When one of us gets back to home base and we’re together for the first time in a long time, we spend a night discussing everything: who we’ve been with, how many partners, how long, was it serious at the time, whether the other person knew about our relationship and finally, are we able to put it behind us and move forward and never bring it up again, even if we have a scuffle? What works with our open relationship is experiencing different partners without guilt. Another good part is that the open communication leads to communication about everything.” — Sloane, 45, Los Angeles, California, has been in an open relationship for four years

Seeing other women

“My husband knew when we started dating that I was bisexual, but I fell in love with him and he was the one I chose as my life partner. We’ve been married for two years, and despite him being my husband, we’ve had an understanding that I can see other women outside the marriage. We don’t see it as cheating because he knows it’s a part of who I am and a part that doesn’t get satisfied within our marriage. Some of the challenges that have come up are that at times, he can feel neglected since he doesn’t see anyone else. Even though we agree that I put him and the relationship first, he can get jealous. Many may wonder how our open relationship could possibly make our marriage strong, but it does. Everyone’s needs are always met, which I think makes us both happier.” — Valerya, 29, New York, New York

Bisexual boundaries

“My husband and I have been married almost three years. We were both raised Mormon and we met while attending BYU. My husband is bisexual, but almost exclusively dated women before we got married. Because of our conservative upbringings, we felt there were some formative experiences we missed as young people. Neither one of us had much opportunity to explore our sexualities. One day, my husband was confiding in me that he wished he had felt freer as a teenager and young adult to explore his interest in men. I felt this sincere regret on his behalf, and before I knew it, I was telling him he had my blessing to explore his sexuality outside our marriage.

“Opening our marriage felt so incredibly right and natural, but we are not without our challenges. I don’t feel comfortable telling others about the dynamic of my marriage. And of course you have to consider the fact that maybe your partner finds a lot of opportunities outside your marriage. Assuming that an open relationship means no rules would be a huge danger. You have to trust each other, but part of that trust is establishing boundaries. For me, opening our relationship has deepened my commitment to my husband, and it has helped me confront my insecurities. Somehow, seeing that my husband has the option to be with anyone he wants but still chooses to make a life with me has helped me realize how much he loves me.” — Jillian, 35, Portland, Maine

Just about sex

“We just opened our marriage up to dating other people three months ago, and so far, so good. We got married right out of college, and while we do still love each other, there is that sexual aspect that died years ago. And trust me, we’ve tried everything from marriage and sex therapy to scheduled date nights, and nothing seemed to bring that spark back. For us, the other partners are just about sex. Right now, it feels like we work better as friends and partners trying to raise our two kids, although to be honest, I’m starting to get a little jealous. I worry that he might fall in love with someone else even though we agreed it was just to satisfy our sexual urges. We are also careful about what we say in front of the children. They’re still pretty young. In time, we may tell them if we’re still open. We decided not to share details about who we were meeting and what we were doing with each other, but would be transparent if one of us had questions.” — Santita, 36, Chicago, Illinois

From open to over

“Attempting an open relationship was the worst thing for my relationship. I was the one who convinced my boyfriend of eight years that we should try it. We were both very into our careers at the time, and it was very hard for both of us to prioritize our relationship. Since we knew we couldn’t put as much into the relationship as we could when we first started dating, we agreed that we would be together, but allowed to see other people at the same time. We thought it would ensure all our needs were being met and we wouldn’t be disappointing one another. Looking back, we should’ve just broken up and saved ourselves all the trouble.

“Even though I talked him into it, I was the one who got so jealous, I couldn’t take it. I found myself spending more time interrogating him about the girls he was seeing than I ever did working on our own relationship. I had a single one-night stand, and I felt awful about it. He, meanwhile, slept with at least six other girls. After only seven months of attempting an open relationship, we decided it would be best if we split up. I haven’t heard from him since then. That was over a year ago.” — Bianca, 30, Miami, Florida

Filling a temporary void

“I was in a short-term open relationship with my husband of 17 years for four years. He’s an engineer and when he got promoted, he started traveling often for long stints of time. He was the one who suggested the concept because he knew how hard it was for me to be alone all the time. We don’t have kids, so I would often get bored and lonely, missing that companionship. We agreed that I could ‘hang out’ with other men as long as there was no actual sex. We called it ‘hanging out’ rather than dating because I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, just male companionship.

“It was weird at first, going out with another man, and I kept feeling like I was going behind my husband’s back. A few times, I ran into friends while out with someone I was casually seeing. I often had to lie to them about who the other man was because my husband and I didn’t tell any friends or family about our agreement. Regardless of the social taboo, an open relationship helped fill a void and I completely stopped seeing others when his travel stopped. I really think an open relationship can work and help couples, but it depends on their personalities and the strength of the relationship. Make sure both of you are 100 percent OK with it, or I could see how jealously could easily destroy the relationship.” — Marilyn, 53, Long Island, New York

Before you go, check out these must-try sex positions you’ll love:

Deciding to open up your marriage is a major choice — and a scary one. Yes, you’re opening the door to new experiences, feelings, and lots of fun, but tough emotions like jealousy, fear, and insecurity can come through that door right along with them. That’s why many people in open relationships decide to set some ground rules before they jump into the dating scene, which can range from no sleepovers and no dating exes to no falling in love with a new partner. It’s worth noting, though, that all rules can be broken and that needs can change throughout the course of any relationship, open or closed, which means those rules might fluctuate too.

Reddit is full of posts from people in open relationships asking for advice, wondering what to do about jealous partners, struggling with insecurity, or running into issues around open relationship rules — all valid experiences over the course of an open relationship. One thing that’s always interesting to observe is how the partner who originally pushed for an open relationship reacts when their more reluctant partner starts to get into the dating scene. In one recent post and its subsequent update, a couple was struggling with just that.

In the post, the husband (aka our original poster or OP) was pushed to try an open relationship by his wife, Sarah, who’s now struggling with her reaction to his new partner. Sarah wants to change the rules of their open marriage as a result, and it’s causing friction, to the point that OP is taking drastic action — and Reddit, apparently, approves. Keep reading for the full story.

When you hear the word prenup, you might automatically think of celebrities or wealthy couples. And it’s true that those are the people who usually make the news for their prenuptial agreements — like the “airtight” prenup Britney Spears and Sam Asghari signed before their 2022 wedding, or Kelly Clarkson’s prenup-related legal mess after her divorce from Brandon Blackstock. If you ask Khloé Kardashian, everyone should have a prenup, “You have to protect yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them,” she told E! News back in 2011 … before her divorce from Lamar Odom.

Not everyone is taking Kardashian’s advice, though. According to a 2023 survey by Axios, only 1 in 5 married couples in the US have a prenup, although 50 percent of the adults they surveyed said they at least somewhat supported them. And while, technically, you can ask for just about anything in a prenup (Kardashian’s prenup reportedly entitled her to a new car whenever her lease was up and courtside Lakers tickets for her whole family), your partner doesn’t necessarily have to agree to your suggestions, especially if they’re… unhinged. That’s where one couple on Reddit is running into some trouble, and trust us, “unhinged” is putting it lightly in this case.

The partner who’s writing the post (aka our OP, or original poster) is taking major issue with one clause their boyfriend wants to put in their prenup, and Reddit is up in arms over it too. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s furious response.

Finances can be a stressful topic in just about any marriage. It’s one of those necessary evils that we all wish we didn’t have to worry about, but we do. Having enough money to put food on the table while not working yourself to the bone is a tough task in and of itself; factor in social obligations and potentially taking care of kids, and suddenly you don’t have a ton of time to dedicate to your spouse or significant other — it becomes about just surviving from day to day.

That’s why, when you hear stories about people running into trouble because of having more (or even, dare we say, “too much” money), well, it’s hard to be sympathetic. Redditors reading a recent post on the site’s relationship advice forum know what we’re talking about. In the post, a woman has come looking for advice about her husband’s reaction to her promotion and pay raise — a pay raise which, coincidentally, puts her salary above his. Sounds like good news in our opinion, but apparently the husband of our OP (which is Reddit-speak for the original poster, or author of the post) doesn’t agree.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. What’s the situation, and does OP’s husband have a leg to stand on? Or is he letting some outdated patriarchal stereotypes trigger his insecurities? Keep reading for the full story and to get Reddit’s take on it all.

Setting clear boundaries and expectations is essential in any relationship, whether they’re about who cooks dinner during the week or what counts as cheating. When it comes to open relationships, the rules you and your partner(s) set in place might be even more important. In open relationships, both partners have agreed that they can have sex with other people, but how you define sex and all the rules around it are totally up to you and your partner. Can you hook up with a mutual friend? Is it OK to have an emotional connection with someone you’re seeing outside your partner? Are there any sex acts you’re not OK with your partner doing with someone else?

Defining those boundaries and sticking to them is what helps make an open relationship successful — you have to know you can trust your partner to adhere to your boundaries, and them to yours. But what about when that doesn’t happen? One couple on Reddit is finding out.

In the post, the OP (aka the person who wrote the post) is the husband in the relationship, and he explains up front that his wife “has a way higher libido than I do.” They agreed to have an open marriage with a few specific rules attached. OP says he’s been fine with the arrangement, but his wife recently broke a major rule, and it’s led to some serious friction. He took to Reddit’s Am I the Asshole forum for advice, and Reddit was more than happy to provide. Keep reading for the full story.

An illuminating and thought-provoking examination of the uniquely American institution of marriage, from the Colonial era through the #MeToo age

Americans hold marriage in such high esteem that we push people toward it, reward them for taking part in it, and fetishize its benefits to the point that we routinely ignore or excuse bad behavior and societal ills in the name of protecting and promoting it.

In eras of slavery and segregation, Blacks sometimes gained white legal status through marriage.

Laws have been designed to encourage people to marry so that certain societal benefits could be achieved: the population would increase, women would have financial security, children would be cared for, and immigrants would have familial connections.

As late as the Great Depression, poor young women were encouraged to marry aged Civil War veterans for lifetime pensions.

The widely overlooked problem with this tradition is that individuals and society have relied on marriage to address or dismiss a range of injustices and inequities, from gender- and race-based discrimination, sexual violence, and predation to unequal financial treatment.

One of the most persuasive arguments against women’s right to vote was that marrying and influencing their husband’s choices was just as meaningful, if not better.

Through revealing storytelling, Zug builds a compelling case that when marriage is touted as “the solution” to such problems, it absolves the government, and society, of the responsibility for directly addressing them.

CW – there is part of a vile racist period editorial about the enslaved African-American woman with whom Vice-President Richard Johnson had two daughters. 

Review

I knew from the blurb that this wasn’t going to be a lighthearted, fun look at the history of the institution of marriage in the United States. And it wasn’t. But by the end of chapter one, I knew it was going to be a fairly bleak examination of something that most people take for granted that they will, at one point in their lives, be a part of – marriage. As far as how it affects women, minorities, and immigrants, well let’s just say that despite some laws meant to help, and many laws meant to hinder, the outcome usually isn’t good. 

But it’s about love! Not really, to be honest. Historically most people married for reasons other than love. It was actually thought to be the smart thing to do. Women were mainly looking for financial security both for themselves and whatever children they might have. Men were looking for legal sex (sex was only legal in marriage – all else was fornication), domestic helpmeets, and mothers of the sons they needed for inheritance. Squandering this opportunity on love was thought to be a poor bargain. It’s only fairly recently that love began to play much of a role in it. 

Many laws have been passed to influence marriage rates and to try and protect the rights of women though these actually didn’t do much to equalize very unequal partnerships. Age of Consent Laws and Women’s Property Laws in the US date back to the early nineteenth century as legislators sought to protect women from male gold-diggers. Oregon tried to encourage marriage among its first American settlers as married men were more likely to stay in place but this led to teen and child marriages. Land set aside for Native tribes sometimes passed into the hands of white men who married Native women for just this reason. 

For many immigrants, marriage was the only way to bypass the laws put in place to limit certain groups such as Asians and single women. Female survivors of World Wars I and II were quite blunt when asked if they married US military men to escape shattered Europe. Marrying in the expectation of getting a Green Card but not actually being in love with the US citizen is not illegal – if both spouses intend on remaining in the relationship and building a life together. Historically, marriage could also change your race. Mixed race children could eventually be legally white. If a person of color was accepted in white society as white, then legally they became white.   

I must warn people about chapter four. Chapter four is one huge trigger warning as it basically describes the many ways that marriage can be used as a “Get Out of Jail Free” card by abusers, criminal suspects, and rapists among others. If this isn’t bad enough, the (recent) statements made by judges in some of these cases are enough to make me want to go postal on them. Apparently, based on studies of Civil War pensions, bigamy was widespread in an age in which divorce was difficult. 

Unmarried people are still often regarded as “failures” by society. Historically they were often looked on with disdain (in the case of men) or pity (women). Many married people are willing to stay in unhappy marriages due to the social cache of being married. Married couples (usually heterosexual) are still favored for AI treatment payment coverage and adoptions. Custody battles are often resolved in favor of a parent who is in a marriage vs a parent who is single or in a non-marital relationship. And back to marrying for the financial benefit? Two polls from 2022 indicate that people are looking for “a financially stable partner” and “wouldn’t marry someone with bad credit.” 

Marcia Zug has produced a book that is well written and detailed with about 70 some pages of footnotes but which is still accessible for an armchair reader. “You’ll Do” is an informative but (I’ll be honest) ultimately depressing look at why people marry for reasons other than love. B-

~Jayne

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Open relationships are becoming more commonplace, with 1 in 5 Americans having experienced one at some point in their lives, according to a 2016 study. But just because more of us are experimenting with this kind of relationship, doesn’t mean we’re all cut out for it. And if the conversation comes up, some of us might find that it’s a hard boundary: monogamy, or no relationship at all. A woman on Reddit is going through just that experience now, and she knows exactly where she stands — but now she’s wondering (and asking Reddit) if she overreacted.

This 29-year-old wife has been married to her husband, 28, for seven years, and they’ve been together for nine total. The couple got married out of necessity (more on that in a minute) and our OP (aka original poster, or the person who posted the thread, in Reddit-speak) says their relationship has “flourished” over the last year. “Arguments are rare and we are pretty good at coming to understandings and apologizing when necessary,” she says.

That is, until OP’s husband came to her in October, out of seemingly nowhere, saying he wants an open relationship. OP had a strong reaction and made a quick decision, but now she’s wondering — and asking Reddit — if she did the right thing. So what exactly happened, and what does the Internet think? Let’s get into it.

Many people go through dry spells in their relationships, where sex and physical intimacy are happening less frequently. It’s normal, and it happens for a number of reasons — maybe you’re both busy, or stressed, or dealing with health issues that impact your libido. But when a dry spell doesn’t seem to end, and it’s impacting you and your partner’s relationship and mental health, it can feel impossible to solve — as is the case for one woman on Reddit, who is contemplating resorting to drastic measures.

The woman (aka OP, or original poster in Reddit slang) and her husband are both in their late 30s with a young daughter. Early in their relationship, OP writes, “sex was frequent and adventurous.” She wasn’t sexually experienced prior to their relationship, so it “pretty much defined” who she is today, sexually. “I always loved exploring my sexuality with him,” she says.

Sounds fun, sounds good, but recently, their sex life has taken a turn. OP no longer feels like her physical needs are being met, and she’s wondering if it’s OK to explore options outside of their marriage… without telling her husband. AKA cheating. She took to Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? (AITA) forum to solicit opinions and advice, and boy, did Reddit have some. Read the full story ahead, complete with Reddit’s harsh-but-fair verdict.

Open relationships are becoming more and more common, and honestly, we’re all for it. Everyone should be able to pursue the kind of relationship that works for them, whether that’s monogamous, non-monogamous, or somewhere in between. Before you jump into ethical non-monogamy, though, it’s crucial to really solidify your communication and make sure there’s equal buy-in from all sides of the relationship. And that’s where things can get tricky, especially when – as a new Reddit AITA addresses — the reasoning behind opening the relationship is a little suspect.

Case in point: a woman on Reddit is questioning the rationale behind her husband’s new desire to open up their marriage, especially because it’s following his (relatively recent) career success. She was the breadwinner and supported him for years while he got his business off the ground, and now that it’s taking off, he’s acting differently around her and suddenly considering other options. (Yep, we’re cringing already.)

The OP (aka original poster, in Reddit-speak) doesn’t want to open up their relationship and joined the “Am I the A—hole (AITA)?” subreddit to source outside opinions. As you’d expect, Reddit commenters delivered, and they are not mincing words on this one.