When Anna Mowbray receives a curt message from one of her estranged daughters that her ex-husband–a silent and surly Yorkshire farmer –is dying, she realizes it’s time to return home. Twelve years ago when her daughters were mostly grown, Anna walked away from Embthwaite Farm with no plan except to preserve her sanity and to find a ray of light to cling to.
But going home is harder than even Anna imagines. Her daughters are miles away from forgiveness and rebuff her every overture of help and communication, and her ex, who knows why she left, doesn’t even want to speak to her. But Anna’s determined to face her demons, make amends, and reconnect with her family.
What she doesn’t expect is kindness from her neighbors and understanding and warmth from the handsome widower James Adams, as well as his warm and welcoming daughter Jane. As Anna grieves her old life and tries to come to terms with the mistakes and hurts from the past, can she create a future where there’s room for a family around her… and the possibility of love?
CW/TW – discussion of mental health crises (including postnatal depression) and treatments, death of a character from cancer, discussion of adultery
Dear Ms. Hewitt,
My goodness. There’s much more drama to be dished out at Embthwaite Farm with the Mowbray Sisters. Taciturn father Peter is closer to death from a brain tumor, sisters Rachel and Harriet are dealing with the pain of their mother’s return – the mother who walked out on the family thirteen years ago, Anna herself is trying to reconnect with her daughters and might have a new relationship on the horizon, and a change to Peter’s will could upend everything.
Let’s just dive right in. Straight off the bat I admire that everyone was allowed moments of being totally pissed off. There are situations in the book which can be viewed like a funhouse mirror with people seeing different realities based on where they’re standing and what they are/were going through at the time. Mistakes were made. Mistakes are corrected but everyone needs to be allowed “moments of grace” to explain their side. Even if the people hurt by past actions are still hurt and mad.
Up until now, it’s just been sisters Rachel and Harriet (books 1 and 2) who described the pain and fallout from when their mother abruptly left the family. Rachel was in uni while younger sister Harriet (who had been her mother’s favorite) felt lost and devastated. Their father had clearly – and painfully – favored Rachel which damaged Harriet’s coping mechanisms. Their books allowed readers to see their viewpoints. But what caused Anna to bolt?
When word reaches her about Peter’s disease and prognosis, Anna returns to try and rebuild the relationships that she severed. Yes, she had her reasons which are slowly explained. I appreciate, as I said, that the sisters now understand but are still dealing with over a decade of hurt. Had they instantly brushed that away, I would have cried foul. Anna is also finally coming to terms with her relationship with her ex-husband who both loved and negligently (but deliberately) hurt her for years. Yeah, Peter does not come off in a good light in regards to how he treated anyone. He might have been a good Yorkshire farmer but he was a crap husband and father. There, I said it. If this was a reddit thread, I’d say “YTA.”
After it’s discussed, I can understand why Anna behaved as she did. This ties into some of the CWs above. She left because of the astounding hurt she felt for almost twenty years, the fact that her fairytale dreams of “Heathcliff” were just that, and because her own health was at risk. One character whispers to Anna that it’s amazing she didn’t leave before she did. I totally agree. Yet, Anna’s reasons for hanging on as long as she did are valid as well and are baked into her character’s backstory. The new relationship she tentatively begins is lovely but also not perfect. Yay for that. I saw a few things coming with it which I’m guessing will play out in book four.
Ah yes, book four. Peter’s will is a bombshell. I knew there would be a fourth book but as this one progressed I wondered, who was going to be the main character. Let me just say I can’t wait for this story. There looks like there will be drama leaping off of ledges all over the place. I want this book now. And also to know where Fred’s going to live – with Rachel and Ben? I’m looking forward to the final installment of As the Yorkshire Farm Turns. B+
A story of love, madness, sisterly devotion, and control, about the two beloved daughters of renowned 1700s English painter Thomas Gainsborough, who struggle to live up to the perfect image the world so admired in their portraits.
Peggy and Molly Gainsborough—the daughters of one of England’s most famous portrait artists of the 1700s and the frequent subject of his work—are best friends. They spy on their father as he paints, rankle their mother as she manages the household, and run barefoot through the muddy fields that surround their home. But there is another reason they are inseparable: from a young age, Molly periodically experiences bouts of mental confusion, even forgetting who she is, and Peggy instinctively knows she must help cover up her sister’s condition.
When the family moves to Bath, it’s not so easy to hide Molly’s slip-ups. There, the sisters are thrown into the whirlwind of polite society, where the codes of behavior are crystal clear. Molly dreams of a normal life but slides deeper and more publicly into her delusions. By now, Peggy knows the shadow of an asylum looms for women like Molly, and she goes to greater lengths to protect her sister’s secret.
But when Peggy unexpectedly falls in love with her father’s friend, the charming composer Johann Fischer, the sisters’ precarious situation is thrown catastrophically off course. Her burgeoning love for Johann sparks the bitterest of betrayals, forcing Peggy to question all she has done for Molly, and whether any one person can truly change the fate of another.
A tense and tender examination of the blurred lines between protection and control, The Painter’s Daughters is a searing portrait of the real girls behind the canvas. Emily Howes’s debut is a stunning exploration of devotion, control, and individuality; it is a love song to sisterhood, to the many hues of life, and to being looked at but never really seen.
CW/TW – depictions of mental illness, parental (not the Gainsboroughs) physical abuse, miscarriage
Dear Ms. Howes,
I know a bit about Thomas Gainsborough, as I love his portraits, but when I saw the blurb for this book I realized I know zip about his daughters even though I’ve seen Gainsborough’s portraits of them. Overall, I found this novelization of their lives to be well written and interesting though a bit uneven at times.
It is told from the first person present view of Margaret (the younger daughter) who is also known as Peggy, Peg, and called Captain by her father and intercut with the third person present story of their grandmother for Reasons which become clear as the story progresses. We follow Peggy and her older sister Mary – aka Molly – (and the Gainsboroughs had two daughters they named Mary, the first of whom died as a young child).from a young age when they lived in Ipswich, to Bath, then ultimately to London and (just a bit) of their later life in seclusion.
Peggy gives a rundown of the household which is run by their harried mother and of how her father’s profession influences their lives. There are paintings hung everywhere, including ones of the sisters, showing Gaingborough’s talent to entice prospective clients. Their father’s work precludes him spending as much time with them as everyone would like but when he takes his kit out to the countryside to paint the landscapes that he loves, sometimes the sisters will tag along with him. As portrayed, Gainsborough is a loving father though perhaps not the best businessman as mother Margaret (whose mother’s name was also Margaret) does all the household accounts.
Persuaded to move to fashionable Bath to increase his prospects, Peggy gives us a child’s view of a carefree life in the country which morphs into life in busy, noisy, crowded, and slightly filthy Bath. Life is good but Molly’s tendency to vanish into herself as well as wander and do other frightening things is a hint of what is to come.
I found the first part to be the most interesting. Peggy is a child of ~ eight and the way she describes her life feels that age. Later during the early years in Bath – while she’s still supposed to be fairly young – her voice feels older than it should to me. I would have preferred life in the country too, wandering fields, picking blackberries, and playing in a stream rather than Bath, no matter how interesting the people or sights.
During the second half of the book, I felt more ill at ease but also a little bored. It’s endless rounds of parties for the sisters who are now back from their six years at a school (one of those ubiquitous schools for girls that haunt historical romance books). As their portraits had when they were children, their adult social activities were meant to serve as accessories for their father’s career. But also I knew that the Event that nearly separated the sisters as well as Molly’s final descent into mental illness were around the bend.
The descriptions of 18th century life are not prettied up. This is particularly evident in the parts with the sisters’ grandmother. Her life was grim but she did find a cleared-eyed way out of it. Thoughts regarding how she did this might differ but she had a goal and she got it. Early in the book, Peggy mentions a series of eight (Hogarth) prints that the family has which (from her description) are illustrating Bedlam. This horrible place is how we begin to see what might happen to Molly if she’s deemed to be “mad” and why Peggy works so hard to cover up her sister’s symptoms. But yes, there is a degree of becoming her sister’s keeper involved as well. I can also understand – as it’s shown – why Molly might have tried to throw over the traces at one point in order to try to live a normal life.
The sparse details of their lives and the possible backstory of their mother and grandmother are wound into an interesting explanation of the sisters’ lives. I like that the events for which there is no evidence other than the known personalities of the people involved are mentioned in the afterwards note. It’s sad that Peggy’s and Molly’s lives couldn’t remain as happy as they were as children chasing a white butterfly in a garden as their father painted them. B-
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If there’s one thing that Drs. John and Julie Gottman want every couple to know, it’s that fighting is normal. In fact, Julie tells SheKnows, 69 percent of all problems within a relationship are what the Gottmans call perpetual issues, meaning they don’t necessarily get solved… ever. “Don’t freak out about it,” says Julie, a clinical psychologist. “It’s normal.”
The Gottmans are both relationship experts, cofounders of The Gottman Institute, and co-authors of multiple bestselling books on love and marriage, so they know a few things about couples in conflict. Now they’re sharing that knowledge in their new book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, which has a simple but revolutionary thesis: that fighting with your partner, far from being a bad thing, is actually an opportunity for emotional intimacy. “Conflict has a goal,” says John, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. “The goal is mutual understanding, as opposed to winning… It’s really a way we can get closer.” In other words, an argument with your partner isn’t a battle with a winner and a loser; it’s a collaboration, a way to connect.
It’s a nice way to think about it, but how do you actually do that in real life, when your blood’s boiling, your voice is raised, and this person you love looks more like an adversary? The Gottmans boiled down their decades of research into a few tangible tips for turning your arguments into moments of connection, and while doing so, they also unearthed several common mistakes preventing that from happening. Below, check out six things to avoid in your next argument with your partner and what to do instead.
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
The beginning of your argument or conflict conversation is extremely important, and not only for how the conversation is going to go. According to their research, Julie says, “the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predict with 96 percent accuracy how the rest of that conversation is going to go, and also [with 90 percent accuracy]… how the rest of the relationship is going to go,” up to six years down the line. That’s a lot of pressure to put on those first three minutes, but the Gottmans say there’s a formula that can help you succeed — and a few things to avoid.
Many people enter a conflict conversation by “dropping a bomb”: lobbing a verbal grenade and launching a surprise attack on their partner. This can look like harsh criticism of your partner (“You’re such a slob”), jumping into what they’re doing wrong (“Why can’t you just do the dishes for once?”), or piling on any other issues that have been bothering you, aka “kitchen sinking” (“I shouldn’t be surprised — it’s not like you ever do laundry or clean up after the kids.”).
Instead, the Gottmans suggest starting with a strategy they’ve observed in their most successful couples, aka the “masters of love.” There are three parts to it:
Start with your feelings: Whether you’re upset, stressed, angry, or sad, say what you’re feeling before you even get to talking about your partner.
State the situation that’s causing the feeling. Julie emphasizes that you want to point out a situation here (the dishes aren’t done), not a personality flaw of your partner (the dishes aren’t done because your partner is lazy).
Say what you need in a positive way. The Gottmans call this a positive need, meaning, you’re not telling your partner to stop doing something, but rather what they can do to fix the issue. It’s the difference between “Stop being so lazy” and “Can you do the dishes while I’m putting the kids to bed?” Your partner becomes your collaborator rather than your adversary.
Put together, this would look something like: “It stresses me out when you don’t do the dishes after I’ve cooked all evening. Would you mind starting on them while I put the kids to bed?” The conversation will be much more productive when your partner doesn’t feel attacked right out of the gate.
Mistake #2: You’re staying in the shallows
Remember those perpetual problems that are at the heart of most of our arguments with our partners? Just because they can’t be perfectly solved doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about them. There is often a core need, or what the Gottmans call a dream, at the heart of these perpetual problem gridlocks, something extremely important to one or both partners that hasn’t been unearthed or articulated.
Unless an issue is purely logistical, don’t stay on the surface. When you’re in conflict with your partner, Julie explains, it’s so important to “pause to deeply understand your partner’s position on something, including understanding what values are connected to it and what personal history might be connected.” For each partner, what’s the ideal outcome in this situation, “and is there some sense of life, purpose, or meaning attach to their position on this issue?” It’s crucial to understand the depths behind your differences in opinions before you even start moving toward resolving them.
Mistake #3: You’re compromising your core needs.
Relatedly, compromising is an important step to resolving an issue, but it’s crucial that the compromise doesn’t infringe upon one of your core needs or dreams. “If you give up a core need, then the compromise will be sabotaged,” John explains. “It won’t work. So you have to understand what each person’s core need is, and you have to protect that before you get into a solution to the problem.”
And yes, this means that some problems may not be resolved — and that some relationships, ultimately, won’t work out because of it. If one partner’s dream is to have children and the other’s is to stay childless, well, there’s no way to compromise on that without one partner sacrificing their dream. That leads to dissatisfaction, resentment, and an unhappy relationship — one that might be better off ending, so both partners can build the life they want.
Drs. Julie and John Gottman
Mistake #4: You’re on the negative side of the Magic Ratio.
The Gottmans’ research on couples’ conflicts revealed that couples who stay together happily are able to maintain a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in their arguments — in other words doing five positive things for every negative thing.
A positive interaction, in this case, could be as small as a nod or an acknowledgment that the partner is listening (like “I never thought of that” or “good point”), a gesture of affection or validation, or a moment of shared humor, interest or curiosity in what the other person is saying. Negative things might be expressions of angry criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or giving the silent treatment (more on those in a minute). The Gottmans’ “masters of love” would have a 5:1 ratio (or better) of positive to negative during an argument; the couples who ended up separating or staying together unhappily “had a ratio that averaged 0.8:1 — more negativity than positivity,” John explained. It’s important to have more positivity than negativity because the hurt of negative interactions and comments has a more lasting effect than positive ones, he says. “A lot more positivity has to be there to balance a negative.”
You can shift a conflict to the positive side, the Gottmans say, by making a repair attempt, which they define in Fight Right as “any comment or action that counteracts the negativity in a fight and prevents a conversation from escalating.” Repair attempts might include:
Apologizing
Empathizing with or validating your partner’s experience
Expressing admiration for your partner
Injecting humor into the conversation
Making a positive gesture, like nodding or reaching for your partner’s hand
Crucially, both partners need to be open to a repair attempt, both the one making the attempt and the one responding to it.
Mistake #5: You’re being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling.
The Gottmans call criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because couples who exhibited these behaviors during conflict “were likely to split an average of five years post-wedding,” they write. These are the behaviors on the negative end of the magic ratio, the ones you want to avoid as much as possible.
What makes these behaviors so hurtful? For starters, Julie says, criticism “is a way of saying, ‘You’re not worthy of my love.'” It’s the opposite of showing love to a partner — you’re expressing how much you don’t love them and the specific things that you don’t like. It triggers insecurity and “can be very painful for people to hear, because it counteracts their basic need to be loved and to be respected.”
Contempt is the same thing, but done from a position of superiority. “That feels even worse,” Julie says. “[Contempt] is sulfuric acid on a relationship.”
Defensiveness, then, is a natural response to feeling attacked through criticism or contempt, an attempt to shield ourselves from the pain by reflecting it back on our partner. Stonewalling, meanwhile, happens when someone “completely shuts down” and is no longer able or willing to continue the conversation. “That signals to the other person, ‘They don’t wanna hear me. Maybe I’m being rejected,'” Julie explains, triggering feelings of abandonment or loneliness on the part of the person being stonewalled, when what they’re looking for is connection and communication.
Defensiveness and stonewalling often occur in moments of emotional flooding (more on that in a second), Julie adds, meaning that calling for a break — or, in the case of defensiveness, acknowledging to your partner that you’re feeling defensive — can defuse the situation and allow both of you to come back when the Four Horsemen aren’t quite so powerful.
Mistake #6: You’re getting flooded with emotion.
Maintaining the positive ratio and avoiding the Four Horsemen sounds simple enough until you’re actually in the argument, getting angry and frustrated with your partner. The Gottmans call this “flooding.” Similar to “fight or flight” mode, flooding occurs when we get “overwhelmed in conflict, hijacked by our own nervous system in response to negativity from our partners,” the Gottmans write. Flooding doesn’t mean you’re making a mistake per se, as it’s a natural reaction that many of us experience during conflict, but what you do when you’re getting flooded can determine the outcome of your argument and relationship. “When we see a pattern of flooding in a couple… we know that without intervention, they’re headed for a split,” the Gottmans write. That’s because, when you’re flooded, “you’re incapable of fighting right.” You just can’t process information, hear what your partner is saying, and respond instinctively with something negative.
If this experience sounds familiar, the first thing to do is recognize your own personal signs of flooding, which can include shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, face redness, or muscle tightness. If you start to feel any of these, Julie says, call for a break in the fight. When you do this, “everything needs to stop on a dime,” she explains. Then, tell your partner when you’ll come back to talk about it again; Julie says the break should last a minimum of 30 minutes and no longer than 24 hours.
While you’re taking your break, resist the urge to think about the fight or plan what you’re going to say when you come back; that’s just going to keep you in that flooded state. “Instead, you need to do something self-soothing,” Julie says, like exercising, going for a walk, doing yoga, listening to music, reading, doing email — anything that “gets your mind off the fight so that your body has a chance to metabolize the adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones that have flooded your blood supply,” she says.
When you and your partner reconvene, “typically you’ll be much more calm and gentle,” Julie says, which means you’ll be more capable of initiating repair attempts and interacting on the positive side of that magic ratio.
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Losing your sex drive is a common side effect of antidepressants. Anywhere between 30 to 60 percent of people who take selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) as antidepressants experience “some form of… sexual dysfunction” from the treatment, studies say, and the effect is worse for women. According to research, 72 percent of women taking antidepressants report problems with sexual desire, with 83 percent having issues with sexual arousal and 42 percent experiencing difficulty having an orgasm.
For patients, the experience is jarring and scary. “It’s not like I’m not attracted to my partner anymore; nothing gets me going,” one person wrote in a Reddit thread. “Not porn, not erotic writing, nothing that usually worked works. I do feel slightly broken in a way.”
“I honestly feel disgusted and uncomfortable by the idea of sex, and even cuddling makes me want to crawl out of my skin sometimes,” another woman wrote. “I had a pretty high sex drive prior to the meds, so I feel like my body is betraying me and it’s also impacting my relationship.”
Losing your libido is stressful no matter your relationship status, whether you’ve been having sex regularly or once in a blue moon. But for people in relationships, the anxiety may be even worse if your partner is impacted by the shift. And on the flip side, partners may want to help without knowing how, or if they even should.
“I’ve… mentioned to [my girlfriend, who’s on an antidepressant] that I have needs and she told me she felt like I was guilt tripping her,” one person wrote on Reddit. “She told me it seems like sex is the most important thing to me in this relationship, which couldn’t be farther from the truth but I do want it to be a part of our relationship.”
It’s an issue with multiple layers: a caring partner won’t want to push for sex when it’s not wanted, but has their own needs that aren’t being met. Meanwhile, the partner on antidepressants may feel pressured to put sex above their mental health and wellbeing at a time when they most need to prioritize themselves.
Antidepressants, sex drive, and relationships can form a tangled web. So how exactly do you find your way out?
How antidepressants affect sex drive
SSRIs can impact sex drive due to their “mechanism of increasing serotonin levels in the brain,” Aliyah Moore, PhD, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert at SexualAlpha, tells SheKnows. “Although SSRIs are useful in treating mood disorders, their serotonin-boosting effects might upset the delicate neurotransmitter balance that is necessary for a sexual response,” Moore explains. “Arousal and sexual desire are frequently diminished as a result of this interference.”
Experiencing these changes is uniquely challenging, potentially leading to “feelings of inadequacy, frustration, or a loss of self-esteem,” Moore says. You might feel separated from your own sexuality, which for many people is “a crucial part of [your] identity and self-expression.”
Losing the desire to have sex while you’re in a relationship can be especially upsetting. “Many relationships depend heavily on sex and intimacy as a way to communicate love, build emotional ties, and enjoy mutual pleasure,” Moore says. “A decreased libido in one partner can result in misunderstandings, rejection sentiments, or concerns about the long-term health of the relationship from the other partner.” The result: a vicious cycle of tension around sexual activity of any kind, “which may result in avoidance behaviors and a further decline in intimacy.”
The other partner in the relationship may experience guilt for having sexual urges or feel hesitant to initiate sex out of concern about pressuring their partner. They may feel “lonely, frustrated, and hopeless about getting the sex they want, and even sexually rejected,” says Katie Ziskind, LMFT, certified sex therapist at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching. “Constant sexual rejection can be very challenging and lead to conflicts and massive disconnection within the relationship.”
Antidepressants and libido: navigating sex drive changes in a relationship
If antidepressants have impacted your sex drive, your first move is to talk to your doctor. “Such side effects are common,” Moore emphasized. “Your doctor can tell you whether the change in libido is likely due to the medicine and may recommend alternate treatments or changes to your present regimen.” Decreasing your dosage, taking “drug holidays” (stopping the medication for a period of time), or switching to another medication may improve libido without quitting antidepressants altogether, studies say. However, it’s crucial to talk to your doctor before implementing any of these changes; they can help you explore the best option for your body and go about it in a safe way.
It’s also possible that other factors are exacerbating the dip in your sexual desire. “Depression, anxiety, lifestyle, and relationships can all play a role in libido,” Moore says. A sex therapist or sexual health counselor can provide strategies for dealing with changes in libido and advice on maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.
And if you’re a partner to someone experiencing these changes, know that empathy is absolutely crucial. When a partner loses sex drive due to an antidepressant, it may trigger your own fears and insecurities, making you anxious about your relationship and whether your partner is still attracted to you. That’s why it’s important to remember that “your partner’s decreased libido is a side effect of their medicine rather than a reflection of their feelings for you,” Moore says.
Prioritize talking honestly and without bias, she adds. “Instead of putting pressure or assigning blame, encourage them to talk about how they’re feeling and show your own emotions in a helpful way.” You may also want to educate yourself on your partner’s medication and how it affects their desire for sex. “In the relationship, this comprehension can promote tolerance and empathy,” Moore explains. You can also see if your partner is interested in non-sexual forms of intimacy, like cuddling.
Creating intimacy without sex: tips from a sex therapist
If you or your partner are experiencing a low sex drive or other sexual side effects from antidepressants, try exploring “fresh ways of sexual connection that are not dependent on typical arousal patterns,” Moore suggests. “This could include focusing on emotional intimacy, sensual interaction, and non-genital pleasure.” In general, Ziskind says, “take the pressure off penetrative sex being the end goal.”
A few ways do that:
Sensate focus exercises. “This technique involves structured, gradual touch to different parts of the body without the goal of sexual arousal,” Moore explained. It’s designed to “increase awareness of bodily sensations and enhance the couple’s connection.” You can start with non-genital touch and, if you want, gradually progress to more intimate areas over time. This method can help you rediscover each other’s bodies in a “relaxed, non-judgmental” way, Moore says, allowing you to “reintroduce touch and intimacy into the relationship” while adjusting to libido changes.
Sexual check-ins.Simply put, these are “regular and intentional conversations between partners about their sexual relationships,” Moore says. This is a sacred time for you and your partner to talk about your desires, concerns, and needs without fear of judgment, helping you both find understanding and strength in the relationship. “The crucial factor is to approach these conversations with understanding, attentive listening, and a mutual desire for growth so that both partners feel validated and encouraged in their pursuit of sexual wellness,” Moore says.
Ramping up foreplay. If you and your partner are still mentally and emotionally interested in sex but struggling physically to get aroused, go all-in on foreplay, Ziskind says. If your partner has a vagina, support them with “at least 45-90 minutes of foreplay on various erogenous zones before touching the clitoral area,” she advises. “Many couples don’t spend enough time building desire, which is what foreplay does.” Increasing foreplay is a “key component in rebuilding desire and sexual connection,” Ziskind adds. She recommends focusing on “relaxing into the touch rather than trying to perform in any way.”
Schedule times to experiment. If you let go of any kind of “end goal” (like full penetration or orgasm) for sex, a lot of fun possibilities start to present themselves. Prioritize these times in your day. “Set up regular times to cuddle that don’t have to lead to sex,” Ziskind says. “Have times set up to shower naked and wash each other’s bodies. Give each other back rubs with coconut oil.” If you and your partner are up for it, you can also try sexual experiences that end with oral sex, rather than penetrative sex.
Masturbate. If the partner on antidepressants is able and wants to masturbate, this can be another way to promote intimacy within the relationship. “A person on antidepressants can practice regular masturbation and self-pleasure and then tell their partner about it, sharing the areas of their body that they like caressed, the type of pressure they like, and their sexual fantasies,” Ziskind explains. “Self-pleasure helps build an awareness of what you like in your own body, and then you can better communicate that in shared sexual experiences.”
Be kind to yourself — and your partner
Experiencing changes in sex drive is stressful and scary no matter what the situation, but especially when the changes are triggered by antidepressants. Throw a relationship in the mix, and you’re in a situation full of anxiety and insecurity. It makes patience, empathy, and constant communication all the more crucial.
The goal, Moore says, is to build a “holistic and adaptive approach to sexuality,” which requires “communication, an openness to new experiences, and a commitment to understanding and adjusting to each other’s needs” in the context of this mental health journey. It’s not easy, but love, compassion, and understanding can help you and your partner tackle this journey together.
Before you go, try these affordable mental health apps that actually work:
The International Documentary Film Festival Amsterdam is putting the livelihood of documentary filmmakers at the heart of their industry program this year. On Monday, a panel of experts gathered to discuss the issues filmmakers face in making a living in the industry, from pay disparity, devaluation, lack of information and the consequences of the COVID-19 […]
We tend to romanticize pretty much everything to do with love, from crushes to first love to tying the knot. Unfortunately, there’s a lot more to love than first-kiss butterflies, fairytale weddings, and the giddy high of falling for someone new. Many of us have experienced the singular misery of lovesickness, which itself tends to get idealized from time to time. And yes, it’s true that there is something slightly sweet about it; after all, it’s nice to have someone to daydream about, and to revel in that little rush when you’re around them.
But lovesickness is more than just that dreamy feeling of thinking about your crush. Lovesickness is a real psychological state characterized by “intense longing” for someone, often after a breakup or unrequited love, says therapist Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, vice president of marketing at Divorce Answers. It can come with feelings of real anxiety and distress, because your brain chemistry itself is altered in this state. You’re experiencing “withdrawal from the pleasure hormones like dopamine that the brain releases during love,” Cook-McKay explains.
Yep, lovesickness is a real thing, and it’s no fun at all when you’re the one going through it. So what exactly is the meaning of lovesickness, and what should you do if you’re going through it now? We spoke to the experts to get some answers.
The Meaning of Lovesickness
Lovesickness is “emotional and sometimes physical distress” around unrequited love or the “early, intense stages of a romantic relationship,” says licensed clinical psychotherapist and relationship counselor Dan Auerbach, DPsy, PACFA, clinical director at Associated Counselors & Psychologists in Sydney, Australia. In other words, you can feel lovesick when a relationship is ending or going bad, but you might also feel it at the start of a relationship, when you’re consumed with figuring out whether the object of your affections feels the same.
Looking under the surface, the causes of lovesickness can be “multifaceted,” Auerbach adds. There are the changes in your brain chemistry that come from a new onrush of dopamine — or, in the case of a breakup, the lack of it — but your attachment style and past relationship experiences may also play a role in your experience of lovesickness.
Symptoms of Lovesickness
If you’ve been lovesick before, you might think you know exactly what this heady cocktail of misery and sometimes excitement can feel like. The symptoms of lovesickness can vary widely, though, and a few just might surprise you. According to Auerbach and Cook-McKay, mental and emotional symptoms of lovesickness can include:
Impaired cognitive function, like having difficulty concentrating
Anxiety
Social withdrawal
Loss of motivation
According to therapist Margaret Stone, LPC, LMHC, you might also experience physical symptoms of lovesickness, such as:
Fast heartbeat
Feeling like you can’t breathe
Headaches
Fatigue
Difficulty sleeping
While usually temporary, Cook-McKay notes that “bouts of lovesickness can potentially risk your mental health” if the symptoms become severe and are left unaddressed.
How to Get Over Lovesickness
So what exactly can you do if you’re struggling with feelings of lovesickness? Are you stuck with them until they eventually fade away?
It’s true that time can help with the healing process, but there’s more you can do to address your lovesickness, especially if it’s actively interfering with your life. Here’s what our experts recommend to soothe your lovesickness:
Cut contact with the person, if your lovesickness is caused by heartbreak. This one might feel impossible at first, but Cook-McKay says it’s important to go no-contact, at least temporarily, in order to start the recovery process.
Spend time with people you love, doing things you love. Invest the time you’re no longer spending with this person into your friends, family, hobbies, and self-care routine, Cook-McKay says.
Exercise. You don’t have to sign up for a marathon, but moving your body “boosts mood-lifting endorphins,” says Cook-McKay, who describes working out as “one of the most effective ways to relieve lovesickness.”
Break out of your usual routine. Stone recommends leaving the house at least once a day and socializing with others, even if you feel like you can’t bear to — we promise you’ll feel better afterwards.
Speak to a therapist. “Engaging with a mental health professional can provide personalized strategies to cope with the emotional turmoil,” says Auerbach.
Look at the reality of the relationship. Try to wipe away all the idealizing you’ve done over this person, Stone says. Were they really who you’re making them out to be? Was the relationship healthy? How much has fantasizing played into your view of the relationship? “Oftentimes, especially in the case of lovesickness, we are unable to see reality,” Stone notes. If you’re struggling to break out of that romanticized narrative, a therapist can help.
Lovesickness can be tough, and there’s no set timeline for getting over its intense symptoms. The important thing is to keep living your life, even if the person you’re longing for isn’t in it or doesn’t return your feelings. “With time, making an effort to move forward, and implementing self-care, the intense feelings of lovesickness will eventually dissipate,” Cook-McKay says. “Be patient with yourself through the healing process.”
Originally published February 2014.
Before you go, check out these accessible mental health apps:
In many romantic relationships, commitment often plays a vital role in fostering trust, stability, and long-term happiness. It serves as a strong foundation that allows individuals to build a deeper emotional connection and navigate the challenges that come their way. Unfortunately, many individuals still struggle with fully committing to their partner–which can make it more difficult for them to reach their relationship goals.
Understanding “Commitment Issues”
“Commitment issues” refer to emotional barriers or fears that prevent individuals from fully engaging in or sustaining a committed romantic relationship. It involves a reluctance or resistance to enter into long-term commitments or maintain a deep emotional connection with a partner. It is sometimes referred to as an “avoidant” attachment style.
Commitment issues struggles
Fear of commitment: A pervasive fear or anxiety surrounding the idea of committing to a long-term relationship. This fear may stem from concerns about losing personal freedom, fear of intimacy, or the possibility of being hurt or rejected.
Difficulty making long-term plans: Individuals with commitment issues may struggle to make or follow through with plans that extend into the future. They may avoid discussions or decisions regarding important milestones in the relationship, such as moving in together, getting married, or starting a family.
Avoidance of relationship labels: People with commitment issues may resist or avoid defining the relationship with labels like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” They may prefer to keep the relationship label-free, fearing the responsibilities or expectations associated with formal relationship titles.
Pattern of short-term relationships: Commitment-averse individuals often find themselves in a series of short-term relationships that end when their partners begin to push for more commitment. They may experience difficulty sustaining long-term connections due to a fear of commitment or a tendency to become emotionally detached after a certain period.
Inability to envision a future together: Those with commitment issues struggle to imagine or plan a shared future with their partner. They may have difficulty picturing themselves in a committed, long-term relationship and may avoid discussing or considering future goals, aspirations, or shared plans.
Factors contributing to commitment issues
Past romantic relationship experiences: Negative or traumatic experiences in past relationships, such as betrayal, abandonment, or heartbreak, may create emotional barriers and make it challenging to trust and fully commit in future relationships.
Fear of vulnerability or intimacy: Opening up and being emotionally vulnerable requires a level of trust that can be challenging for individuals who fear being hurt or rejected.
Attachment styles: Attachment styles developed in early childhood can influence how individuals approach and experience relationships. Avoidant attachment styles can be formed in situations where parents are consistently unavailable or unresponsive to a child’s needs. Those early experiences start a pattern of avoidance that continues into adulthood.
Personal insecurities or low self-esteem: These individuals may doubt their own worthiness of love and worry about being inadequate in a relationship.
Emotional trauma or unresolved issues: These unresolved issues may create emotional barriers that prevent deep connection and commitment.
Mental health conditions: Certain mental health conditions, such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), can contribute to commitment issues. The challenges associated with ADHD, such as impulsivity and difficulty with long-term planning, can make it harder for individuals to commit and maintain relationships1.
Understanding these signs, symptoms, and contributing factors is essential in addressing and overcoming commitment issues. By recognizing and addressing the underlying causes, individuals can work towards developing healthier patterns of commitment and nurturing fulfilling relationships.
How Do You Know if You Have Commitment Issues?
Self-reflection and introspection
Assessing your own commitment issues requires honest self-reflection and introspection. Take the time to delve into your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors surrounding commitment in relationships. Self-awareness is the first step towards understanding and addressing any challenges you may have. Reflect on your past relationships and see if you can spot any patterns or recurring themes that might suggest a reluctance or fear of commitment. Also, consider whether you experience anxiety or discomfort when faced with the idea of long-term commitment. This introspection can provide insights into the root causes of your commitment issues.
Dealing With Commitment Issues
If you decide you want to become more comfortable with commitment, there are a few things you can do to help achieve that:
1. Open and honest communication
Discussing fears and concerns with your partner: Openly communicate your fears and concerns about commitment with your partner. If you know you don’t want to move forward with your current relationship, honestly sharing these thoughts and emotions with your partner will allow both of you to make the right decision for your relationship.
Setting realistic expectations and boundaries: Establish clear and realistic expectations and boundaries within your relationship. This helps create a sense of security and ensures that both partners are on the same page regarding the level of commitment and the pace of progress.
2. Gradual exposure to commitment
Taking small steps towards commitment: This could involve committing to short-term goals or making incremental, manageable commitments within the relationship.
Celebrating progress and acknowledging achievements: Recognize and celebrate each milestone and achievement along the way. Acknowledge the progress you make, no matter how small, as it reinforces positive changes and motivates further growth.
3. Patience and understanding
Allowing time for personal growth and healing: Becoming more comfortable with commitment is a journey that requires patience and understanding. Be patient with yourself and allow time for personal growth and healing. Recognize that change takes time and progress may come in stages.
Being compassionate towards oneself and others: Be understanding of your own struggles and extend the same empathy to your partner. It is also important to understand that full, long-term commitment may not always be the best option for you, depending on the situation. Don’t force yourself into commitment if you feel as though the relationship or circumstances aren’t right for you.
4. Seeking help
Relationship support programs: Consider enrolling in a relationship support program specifically designed to address commitment issues. These programs provide a supportive and structured environment where you can explore the root causes of your commitment issues and learn strategies to overcome them. At OurRelationship, our self-driven program can help you and your partner explore and address the challenges in your relationship as well as learn better ways to communicate.
Individual therapy or counseling: Engaging in individual therapy or counseling can be immensely helpful in addressing commitment issues. A trained therapist can help you explore and understand the underlying factors contributing to your commitment struggles. Through personalized sessions, you can work on developing healthier patterns of thinking and behavior in relationships.
Supporting a Partner with Commitment Issues
Recognizing and validating their feelings
Understand that their fears and concerns are real and significant to them. Let them know that you respect their emotions and are there to support them. Remember that it may not be your job to change their mind, and that their unwillingness to commit may be the right choice for them and their circumstances.
Providing reassurance and support
Offer reassurance to your partner that you are committed to their well-being and the growth of the relationship. Show them through your words and actions that you are willing to work together to overcome their commitment issues.
Encouraging professional help if necessary
If your partner’s commitment issues are causing significant distress or hindering the relationship’s progress, gently suggest seeking professional help. Encourage them to explore individual therapy or couples counseling, where they can receive expert guidance and support in addressing their commitment challenges.
Conclusion
Addressing and overcoming commitment issues is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Unresolved commitment issues can hinder emotional intimacy, trust, and the overall growth of a partnership. By working through these challenges, individuals can develop the capacity for deeper connections, long-lasting commitments, and increased relationship satisfaction. Remember, change takes time, and each small step towards growth is a significant achievement.
References
Babinski, Dara E, and Daniel A Waschbusch. “The Interpersonal Difficulties of Women with ADHD.” The ADHD Report, vol. 24, no. 7, Nov. 2016, chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/pdf/10.1521/adhd.2016.24.7.1.
Murder once again stalks the proprietors of The Right Sort Marriage Bureau in the surprisingly dangerous landscape of post-WWII London.
In the immediate post-war days of London, two unlikely partners have undertaken an even more unlikely, if necessary, business venture – The Right Sort Marriage Bureau. The two partners are Miss Iris Sparks, a woman with a dangerous – and never discussed – past in British intelligence and Mrs. Gwendolyn Bainbridge, a war widow with a young son entangled in a complicated aristocratic family. Mostly their clients are people trying to start (or restart) their lives in this much-changed world, but their new client is something different. A happily married woman has come to them to find a new wife for her husband. Dying of cancer, she wants the two to make sure her entomologist, academic husband finds someone new once she passes.
Shortly thereafter, she’s found dead in Epping Forest, in what appears to be a suicide. But that doesn’t make sense to either Sparks or Bainbridge. At the same time, Bainbridge is attempting to regain legal control of her life, opposed by the conservator who has been managing her assets – perhaps not always in her best interest. When that conservator is found dead, Bainbridge herself is one of the prime suspects. Attempting to make sense of two deaths at once, to protect themselves and their clients, the redoubtable owners of the Right Sort Marriage Bureau are once again on the case.
Dear Ms. Montclair,
Brava! This series continues to get better and better by digging deeper and deeper into the lives of the characters as they go about matchmaking clients and solving murders. Well, if Iris and Gwen continue to become lead suspects and the Met hasn’t solved things yet, someone has to.
I was hoping that there would be a bit more matchmaking in this book and indeed there was. In fact, that’s what kicks things off. Several potential clients appear at The Right Sort Marriage Bureau but the one who captures their attention is Mrs. Remagen, who tells the duo that she eventually wants her husband to become their client at a suitable time after her death. Gwen is in tears by the time Mrs. Remagen has told her story but it’s Iris who adds some codicils to the standard contract and suggests getting the final £20 fee put in escrow. Gwen, who has an unmatched (no pun intended) ability to “read” clients secures from Mrs. Remagen a pledge not to commit suicide but to look for the joy in what time the woman has left before her painful cancer claims her life.
So when Mrs. Remagen is found dead only days later, Gwen and Iris are stunned, saddened and also skeptical. They are not the only ones as a young police Constable begs his superior to let him follow his instinct that “something” about the crime scene isn’t right. Meanwhile Gwen’s day in court to determine whether or not she will regain her freedom and be declared sane again – in the eyes of the law, King, and everyone else – is coming up. She wants to prepare for stepping into her role on the board of the Bainbridge owned business where she has inherited her husband’s 40% of the shares but a surprise move at the meeting throws things there and at her court hearing into chaos. Then more murders occur.
Let me tell you, the last 90 pages of the story had me hanging on for a “hell for leather” ending. I felt as if I was zipping along on Constable Quinton’s motorcycle with no concern for gas ration coupons. The clues with which Iris and Gwen managed to solve the various murders – and the bodies were really piling up thick and fast – were there. It needed both women putting their individual skills to work to suss through who did what to whom when and why. The plot would zig and zag then put (mainly) Gwen in a worse place causing me to (mentally) bite my nails and (silently) scream, “NO!” Then with each reveal I grinned at the subtlety with which everything was worked into the plot without adding any neon CLUE! signs. It was masterful.
But wait, there’s more! The story is packed with unfolding additions to our knowledge of Gwen and Iris and Sally. Talk about layers of characterization. Iris gets a chance to revisit an old romance and compare this to her relationship with Archie – something she intends to triumphantly announce to Dr. Milford. Gwen faces losing all the momentum in her case to (legally) regain her sanity but reveals a keen mind for business which earns her the growing approbation of her starchy father-in-law. Meanwhile Sally, who has been at Gwen’s feet for a few books, finally gives us a hint of what he did during the war, why he has set Gwen on a pedestal, and what he can and can not endure in a relationship with her. Intense, sometimes painful, self discovery stuff for all.
I finished the book reading flat out and punching the air at the way Gwen and Iris handle one suspected criminal confession and how Gwen’s knowledge of single malts helps her in another. The final scenes of dealing with grief almost had me tearing up – okay, okay yes I was tearing up – but one character has had this coming and desperately needed it while another has only just begun to confront his loss – the depth of which we realize from a conversation Iris has with a former Army commando. I was wrung out and satisfied at the same time and I can’t wait to see what happens next. A
Maintaining good mental health is critical for students’ academic achievement and general well-being. Learning and social obligations can get overwhelming at times. However, students can proactively improve their mental health and create a favorable atmosphere for personal growth by taking a few easy measures. Here are seven helpful tips for students to boost mental health.
1) Prioritize Self-Care
Every student’s mental health practice should include self-care. Ensure you get enough sleep, consume nutritious food, and exercise regularly. You need to make time for activities that offer you joy and relaxation. Prioritizing self-care helps to cultivate a positive mentality, reduce stress, and improve overall mental health.
Additionally, a reduced academic burden can also help in boosting your mental health. This is possible by taking professional help for your essays and other academic texts. Writing Universe is an online platform aiming to help students with their assignments at affordable rates. You may check it out and easily place your order as per your requirements.
2) Develop A Supportive Network
A solid support system is essential for mental health. Create a support network of friends, family members, or mentors to whom you may turn in times of need. Feeling understood, loved, and supported may improve your mental health and general happiness.
3) Set Realistic Goals
Setting reasonable and attainable goals is important for sustaining motivation and avoiding burnout. Divide your long-term goals into smaller and more manageable tasks. In addition to this, celebrate milestones and acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small they may appear.
One of the main causes of worry about students can be getting low grades or not submitting assignments on time. Sometimes the assignments are such that may involve more time and patience, like translation work. However, in such a case, you can always turn to a professional translation service. It can help you get the desired work translated with accuracy and precision, resulting in good academic performance.
4) Manage Your Time Properly
Stress and anxiety can result from poor time management. Developing effective time management skills will assist you in remaining organized, reducing procrastination, and increasing productivity. Make a timetable, and divide major chores into smaller, more manageable parts. By managing your time effectively, you may minimize stress and establish a good work-life balance, boosting your mental well-being.
5) Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Setting appropriate boundaries is required to boost your mental health. When necessary, learn to say no and prioritize your own needs and well-being. Avoid taking on too many academic or social responsibilities. Moreover, take pauses whenever needed.
6) Practice Relaxation Techniques
Incorporating mindfulness and relaxation practices into your everyday routine can improve your mental health significantly. Throughout the day, take small breaks to do deep breathing techniques. Journaling, yoga, and nature walks are all hobbies that cultivate mindfulness. These techniques aid in stress reduction, self-awareness, and emotional well-being.
7) Seek Support
If you’re having trouble with your mental health, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Counseling services are frequently available in universities and colleges to help students deal with mental health issues. Use these resources as needed, whether for stress management, anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues. It is important to remember that you do not have to confront issues alone. You can always reach out for help.
Final Words
Prioritizing mental health is essential for students’ academic and emotional success. Students can boost their mental health by following tips such as prioritizing self-care, cultivating a supportive network, and practicing effective time management. Furthermore, maintaining healthy boundaries and seeking professional support can also aid in improving one’s mental health.
Author: Brandon Metcalfe
Brandon Metcalfe is a writer and lifestyle coach. He is passionate about writing on a wide range of topics, including fitness, nutrition, health, culture, etc. He also runs a blog where he actively talks about maintaining a healthy lifestyle to his followers. Apart from this, Brandon is a travel enthusiast.
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