Tori Spelling is never one to hold back. On an episode of her misSPELLING podcast last week, the Beverly Hills, 90210 star revealed to fans that she’d had her nipples pierced in Napa at age 48, and that she has a piercing in her clitoris (!) too. On this week’s episode, Spelling got even more personal, revealing that she once gave soon-to-be-ex husband Dean McDermott a sex toy as an anniversary gift — and that she’d made it herself (!!).

“I was that girl that took a lot of pride in anniversaries,” Spelling said, adding that she’s a natural “DIYer. I’m a crafter to the core… So I would always make something for Dean on our wedding anniversary, because obviously anyone can buy someone something… but I feel like I always say, homemade equals love.”

Spelling consulted both traditional and modern lists of anniversary themes to decide what to make McDermott, and for the brass gift year, she crafted a “brass cock ring.” It was “really good,” Spelling confided. “I hammered it. Oh my god, I’m so talented. I welded it.”

Like other celebs who have dished about their sex toys, we kind of love how honest Spelling is about her sex life (not that it’s the first time, as you’ll see). And we give her bonus points for taking a moment to de-stigmatize sex toys, which are an awesome addition to anyone’s sex life.

For the uninitiated, a cock ring (also called a penis ring) grips the shaft of the wearer’s penis to provide stimulation, helping it stay hard for longer and experience heightened sensation. Many are actually designed to be worn during intercourse, making this a true toy-for-two — and a pretty solid anniversary present, actually. Spelling is truly raising the bar for homemade, DIY sex toys, which we’d previously assumed was set at like, a cucumber and some lube.

Spelling also opened up about how she made McDermott a two-person wooden bench engraved with the words “Grow old with me,” the actress said. “The bench was for he and I to sit on together, like those photos you see of those old couples still holding hands,” reminisced Spelling, who got emotional at points during the show. “I bought into the love story,” she said.

Spelling also said she crafted McDermott a leather cuff stamped with their anniversary date, and a small tray embedded with pennies from both of their birth years.

The couple, who got married in 2006, have opened up about their sex life before, and even about sex toys specifically. On a 2019 episode of his Daddy Issues podcast, McDermott shared that he owns a fleshlight and spoke out against the stigma around sex toys and sex dolls. “People, I still think, have this negative connotation toward it,” he said, per Us Weekly. “Hey, look, if this is going to make someone happy, and they are not going to take their weird sexual shit out on someone, then that is why I am a fan of the dolls. If you can afford one, go get one. Suppressing your sexuality breathes weirdness.”

Also on the podcast that year, McDermott said the couple had sex “every day,” and Spelling revealed that she’s “an aggressive bottom, and I am very competitive.” McDermott said they’d also tried out CBD lubricant in bed.

Though their sex life seemed active by all accounts, Spelling also talked about the ways their sexual preferences weren’t totally aligned. “He was wanting more sex from me. He wanted more adventurous stuff. I was doing everything he wanted,” she said in a therapy session on their reality show True Tori, while discussing McDermott’s cheating scandal that came to light in 2013. “That’s why, when this happened, it was such a slap in my face.” She continued, “Our sex life was never enough… I wore that guilt all the time thinking he’s going to cheat on me.”

The couple’s relationship lasted 18 years before Spelling filed for divorce in March 2024, citing irreconciliable differences.

Before you go, learn all about these sex positions you need to try:

Maybe you want to learn more about sex. Maybe you’re nervous talking about sex, so you want to listen to other people talk about sex. Maybe you’re looking for sex tips, relatable stories, or just something entertaining and spicy to listen to in your downtime. Whatever the reason, tuning into a podcast about sex is a great starting point when it comes to igniting your own personal sex life. As we know by now, podcasts are an excellent – and intimate – medium when it comes to education, so why not educate yourself on becoming more intimate with yourself and/or your partner(s) by listening to a podcast about sex?

And if you’re worried about things getting awkward, never fear. Most of these sex podcasts are like listening to some wise, knowledgable, and relatable friends, so it’ll be hard to feel anything but amused and maybe slightly aroused by their discussions. The podcasts below include all sorts of engaging conversations with sexperts, psychologists, couples, and more, about everything from foreplay and intercourse to self-pleasure, fetishes, kinks, and common bedroom struggles. No matter what tickles your fancy, you’ll be sure to walk away with some toe-curling insight and tips for your next sex session. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

(PS: If you’re looking for podcasts about relationships or erotic podcasts designed to titillate, we’ve got you covered.)

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When we’re talking sex positions, we tend to focus solely on the main event: where to do it, how to do it, and how much to do it, etc. Mostly absent from this discussion is any mention of foreplay positions — the very stuff that gets us doing it in the first place — and we’ve overlooked them for too long. Because, after all, one can’t have a middle and end without first having a beginning. And really, we can’t reasonably expect to reach a rewarding conclusion without putting in at least a little work on the front end.

And that work doesn’t just start in bed. “Foreplay is everything that leads to having sex, so technically this starts at any point after your last sexual connection,” sex coach Jenna Switzer tells SheKnows. “We often think of it as simply what happens just before sex to turn us on, but in reality, foreplay is all the little things that keep us attracted to our partner(s) and lead us to sexual intimacy. “

And foreplay gets a bad rap as the part you have to just power through to get aroused, before you can get to the “good stuff”. In our humble opinion, it’s all good stuff — and it’s not just about getting the relevant body parts appropriately hard, wet, etc. “The whole constellation of activities such as kissing, caressing, touching, oral sex, and verbal exchange is aimed at building arousal, anticipation and sexual tension between partners,” Aliyah Moore, PhD, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert at SexualAlpha, tells SheKnows. Foreplay, Moore explains, can enhance sensation, deepen your emotional connection, help you maintain mutual satisfaction, and let you both indulge in novelty and creativity. “Foreplay gives the partners a chance of discovering something new,” she says, like “experimenting with new methods, positions, and fantasies, which is an improvement to their sexual repertoire.” 

When it comes to the best foreplay positions, it’s all about experimenting with what feels best for you and your partner(s). Of course, some might argue that there are only a handful of ways to do foreplay — and all of them are pretty self-explanatory — but the same could be said about sex itself. The whole thing is pretty straightforward, but that doesn’t keep us from inventing slightly new ways to do it or discussing its many intricacies, and a couple small tweaks can make a major difference. So with that in mind, let’s give foreplay its due. Break out a few of these spicy foreplay positions next time you’re getting hot and heavy and see what a difference some creativity can make.

Spoon

You can’t go wrong with this classic, which is perfect for lazy mornings or late, sleepy nights. You and your partner both lie down on your sides, facing the same direction. The partner in back slides their arms around the one in front, giving them perfect access for hugging, kissing, and touching. “Spoon position is designed to be cozy and close with comfort to your partner, as well as to prevent strain on people’s bodies as much as possible,” Moore says. It’s also perfect if you and your partner are different heights or sizes, letting you explore each other’s bodies at your leisure.

Virgo

The Virgo is a perfect position for impromptu oral sex — or foreplay that feels a little out-of-the-box. The receiving partner starts by standing with their back against a wall. Their legs should be far enough apart that their partner can sit down — legs crossed, facing the receiving partner — and slide in between their legs. The receiving partner can lean against the wall and bend their knees until their partner has ample access to their nether parts. From there, you can both engage in some serious finger and oral play.

Up Against the Wall

Get spontaneous with this simple standing foreplay position. One partner stands flat against the wall with their back to their partner, while the other partner stands behind with their arms around them to touch and kiss. This position is perfect for heating things up even before you get to the bedrooms (gently pressing your partner into a wall or door because you can’t wait to get your hands on them? Hot) as well as providing support, balance, and the potential for touch and play all over the body, Moore says.

Low Doggy

The Low Doggy serves as an excellent precursor to from-behind penetration, but it’s exciting enough to stand on its own. Start by lying, face-down, on a bed, a couch, or some other comfy surface. The receiving partner can bend their knees so their feet are in the air, with a pillow under their pelvis to make things a little cozier. Their partner can climb on top so both partners’ knees and heads are aligned. From there, they can penetrate the receiving partner with their fingers or a toy (LELO Enigma is great if you want a particularly intense experience). If you’re into it, hair-pulling is a sexy addition to this position.

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Mirage

As a foreplay position, the Mirage goes both ways, inviting both you and your partner to get in on the action. The receiving partner starts by lying down with their knees bent and feet planted on the ground (or the bed, or the couch — you know the drill.) Their partner kneels, straddling the receiving partner’s head, facing their legs. From there, they can bend over to reach the receiving partner’s genitals and vice versa, leaving you both free to stimulate each other with mouth and hands.

Temptation

The Temptation is a fun way to turn up the heat — before sex, in the middle of it, or even at the end of it. The receiving partner starts by lying down on the edge of a surface — ideally, somewhere that’s pretty high up. Think: a table, a countertop, or possibly a bed (assuming it’s adequately lofted). Once lying down, they can bend their knees and pull them into their chest so their feet are way up in the air. If it’s comfortable, they can even rock forward a little bit and prop themselves up on the elbows. From there, their partner can stand, facing the receiving partner, and they can stimulate them using their fingers or a toy (I love suction toys for this kind of position — like Womanizer Premium or Unbound’s Puff for people with clits), and the receiving partner can reach down to stimulate them as well. The best part? This foreplay position puts you face to face, so you can kiss each other the entire time.

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Reverse

The Reverse is an excellent foreplay option for those looking to try something very new. The receiving partner lies down with their knees bent and feet planted in front of them. (The bend can be pretty subtle as long as it feels stable and comfortable.) Their partner to lies down on top, facing the ceiling, with their head aligned with the receiving partner’s legs, and their legs bent, straddling the receiving partner’s head. Once there, adjust until your partner’s genitals reach your mouth and you can engage in some serious oral play.

Hunger

The Hunger is a classic foreplay position — one you’ll likely recognize, even if you’ve never called it by that name. The receiving partner starts by sitting on the edge of the bed, knees bent and toes grazing the floor. Their partner kneels in front, facing them. From there, they can engage in all kinds of finger and oral play — even stimulating the receiving partner with a toy, if you so choose. Since this position starts on the bed, it’s a perfect segue into more classic penetrative sex as well as other kinds of foreplay.

Tamer

The Tamer is an incredibly cozy form of foreplay, fit for drowsy mornings and late evenings alike. The receiving partner lies on their side, and invites their partner to do the same — but they should be lying perpendicular to the receiving partner, with their upper body nestled between the receiving partner’s legs. (You should be able to make eye contact. If you aren’t, one of you is facing the wrong way!) From there, they should have easy access to the receiving partner’s genitals, giving them space to stimulate their fingers or a sex toy (Dame’s Com Wand Vibrator is an amazing option for this one). And the receiving partner can reach behind themselves to stimulate their partner, too.

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Compliment

Another classic form of foreplay, the Compliment is an easy addition to anyone’s sexual repertoire. The receiving partner kneels just behind the edge of the bed, while their partner kneels on the ground in front of them. They can adjust as necessary until they can easily reach the receiving partner’s genitals, and then stimulate them using their mouth, their hands, or a sex toy.

Pendant

69 by another name, the Pendant invites you and your partner to pleasure each other in equal measure. One partner lies down with their knees bent and their feet planted in front of them, while the other climbs on top of them, facing them, with the top partner’s legs straddling their torso and head snuggled in between their legs. From there, you should have access to each other’s genitals, giving you both the opportunity to stimulate each other however you see fit — with your mouths, your hands, or a couple sex toys.

Blindfolded

Nothing like incorporating a homemade sex toy to spice things up. “Just before sex, if you’re looking to heighten arousal, you can try blindfolding a partner (or have them close their eyes) and touch them in various ways,” Switzer suggests. “You could do finger tips, deeper massages, light spanks, try exploring different parts of their body than where you normally spend time.” You can use a sleep mask, a necktie, or a dark T-shirt as a DIY blindfold.

Foreplay Tips

Pair your new foreplay positions with these expert tips to keep things fresh and fun:

Foreplay can last all day long. No, we’re not talking about spending the whole day in bed together (although… that sounds fun) — more like finding ways to tease and flirt throughout the day so you’re riled up by the time you’re both home. “Is your partner turned on by sexy photos, flirty texts, dirty talk, surprises?” Switzer says. “If you’re not sure, simply ask! Find ways to incorporate versions of this throughout the day.”

Spell it out. Heighten the excitement of whatever position you choose “by telling your partner exactly what you plan to do to them (or exactly what you want them to do to you),” Switzer says. “This gives us a sensual mental image, a sense of excitement, and heightened awareness of the experience.” It’s also a great way make sure you’re both on board with what’s coming next, while keeping you in the moment together. That kind of communication is crucial, Moore adds. “Open and honest communication will help you grasp your partner’s wants, limits, and expectations.”

Pay attention. “Focus on your partner’s responses and signals during foreplay,” Moore says. “Try to investigate multiple kinds of touch, pressure and stimulation to define what gives each of you the most pleasure.” Plus, seeing what turns your partner on will be a huge turn-on for you too.

Involve every sense. Light some candles, play some soft music, and put on your silkiest sheets or clothes. It’s worth the effort: Engaging all five senses during foreplay can help to build arousal and pleasure, Moore says.

Lube it up. Lube can add comfort and satisfaction during foreplay, especially if you’re getting into manual stimulation or oral sex, Moore says. She recommends using a water- or silicon-based lubricant that works with condoms and sex toys.

Keep up the eye contact. Eye contact is a seriously underrated turn-on. “Eye contact can make intimacy and connection during foreplay even more profound,” Moore explains. “Stare into the eyes of your partner, as you discover unknown places in each other and translate your desire and passion without words.”

Take your time. Foreplay isn’t the appetizer — “it’s the ingredients of the main dish,” Switzer says. It’s what will make that main dish taste oh-so-delicious. “Also, foreplay is a great time to explore and tease, find new erogenous zones, and spice up your sex life,” she adds, so enjoy every moment and don’t rush through it.

A previous version of this article was published in 2020.

You can be your own passionate partner. Try out these masturbation positions for DIY pleasure: 

Infidelity has a way of either making things very messy or painfully clear. For some people, finding out that a partner cheated calls for an immediate break-up, no matter the situation — what we call a dealbreaker. But if both partners try to work things out, even for a short amount of time, the back-and-forth arguments, confusion, and feelings of betrayal and jealousy can cloud the relationship and make it hard to end it or move forward. For those who to choose to stay, well, it often takes a lot of work to re-establish that trust and build that bond up again, and even then, the relationship will never be exactly the same. That’s especially true when the affair results in a baby.

“Messy” doesn’t even begin to cut it for that situation, which is what one woman on Reddit is finding out right now. She agreed to stay with her husband after an affair and an affair baby came to light — but now, somehow, it’s all getting even more complicated. With her husband asking that they take in the affair child (now older), the woman (aka our OP, or the author of the post) responded in a way that has Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum divided. Read the full story, Reddit’s response, and our ultimate takeaways ahead.

About six months after we opened our marriage, my husband, David, stopped me at the door as I was leaving for the night. 

“You and Randy are like boyfriend and girlfriend, huh?” 

A shocked expression painted his face. Yes, Randy and I were boyfriend and girlfriend. I was on my way out to see him at that very moment. But why was my husband surprised by this? It was David’s idea to open our marriage, and wasn’t this always one of the risks — that I might get serious with someone else?

While open marriages are becoming more and more popular in our society, with 24% of Americans agreeing that society can benefit from moving toward an open style of monogamy, in our case this type of relationship was only pushing our marriage closer to its breaking point. My husband was not happy when he learned I’d fallen for another man.

Our open marriage would ultimately end in divorce — and it was the best thing that could’ve happened.

Why we opened our marriage

David and I first decided to open our marriage after years of marital strife. We had two children with different special needs who necessitated a lot of attention. A lot of my attention. 

Modern woman though I might be, I soon found myself solely in charge of raising our two children while David relaxed. He’d been out of work for a couple of years and wasn’t looking for a new job, all the while we plunged deeper into dire financial straits. 

Not exactly the stuff that stokes the fires of a woman’s libido. I was rarely in the mood for sex. Instead, I collapsed into bed after one stressful day after another, dealing with the kids and all the housework, cleaning up after my blissfully unemployed husband. 

I felt emotionally neglected, put-upon, and humiliated as he asked for handouts from his wealthy family while I struggled with freelance work. We ended up in marriage therapy. After arguing our way through one session, my husband asked if I wanted to open our marriage. 

I’d heard that more and more people were doing this and reaping the benefits of closer connections and renewed passion. But us? Despite my growing disinterest with my husband, I couldn’t imagine us dating other people while we were married to each other. So, initally, I refused. 

Instead, I concentrated on rebuilding intimacy in our relationship. But then, one night, I initiated sex only to feel disgusted afterward. That was the last straw. I told David we could open our marriage. 

At first, dating other men was exhilarating. It made me feel like I was young again — young and single. But the purpose of opening our marriage was to bring us closer, so I waited for this to happen for David and me. It never did. Dating other people just frayed what little connection we still had left. 

I wasn’t jealous of the other women David was seeing. Instead, I just felt more distant from him. One night, after one of his dates, he slipped into bed beside me. I could smell her perfume on him. He reached to caress my leg, and I pushed him away. 

“Don’t touch me!” I snapped.

Let these other women have him. Besides, I had met someone else who captured my heart. 

I fell for another man 

When Randy and I first matched on Tinder, sparks flew. He lived nearby, and we quickly eased into a routine. I never lied to David. He knew where I was going almost every night around 10 p.m. when I’d leave him with our sleeping children to go to Randy’s place. 

Randy and I would enjoy a beer, watch a movie, and then have sex. While I did sleep over, I left Randy’s early in the morning so I would be back home before the children woke up. It wasn’t the perfect arrangement, but after spending so much time with him, I couldn’t help but start to have serious feelings for Randy. 

Because David and I had agreed to see other people — and because it was his idea to start with — I thought he wouldn’t have a problem with this. He clearly did. 

When he expressed his dissatisfaction with my relationship with another man, I finally realized I had to get out of my marriage and initiate a divorce. That realization came with another: I wanted to get more serious with Randy, now that I was going to be single again. 

It didn’t go as planned. Though Randy had never expressed any issue with my marriage to another man, when I told him I was planning on leaving David and was available for a deeper commitment, he broke up with me. 

I had fallen for Randy, but he didn’t feel the same about me. 

Why I’m glad that my open marriage ended in divorce

Do I feel remorse that David and I opened our marriage, leading to our divorce and my getting dumped by the other man I was dating? It might surprise you, but my answer is no. I’m glad my marriage is over. David and I weren’t right for one another. Randy and I weren’t either. It’s also OK that he ended things with me.

Instead, I’m grateful for my experience with an open marriage, because it was the push I needed to leave David. For years, I was too scared to divorce him. I needed something — someone — to compel me into action. Opening my marriage and falling for Randy were the necessary events to catapult me out of my terrible circumstances. 

Stagnating in an unhappy marriage was unhealthy for me. Subjecting our children to continual fighting was bad for them. David and I surely weren’t modeling good behavior for our kids. The best thing I could do for myself and my children was to divorce their father. 

I also learned something about myself: I’m not wired for open relationships. I really just want to be in love with one person. 

This doesn’t mean I think there’s anything wrong with open marriages. I don’t believe they always end in divorce. Some people have success with them. But I do think this is only when the relationship is strong and healthy. 

I don’t doubt the future will bring even more open relationships in our society, but, I think people need to understand that consensual non-monogamy isn’t a cure-all. It can’t fix a relationship that’s already broken.

Want to light up your sex life? Hit play on one of our favorite sexy movies:

“In sickness and in health” is part of the classic marriage vows for a reason. Committing to someone means making a promise to stay with them through it all, both the good times and the bad. When it comes to health problems — an inevitable challenge every couple will face at some point — you might just be the only source of support they have, or vice versa.

Of course, that’s easier in theory than in practice. Health problems can be a huge source of stress, and marriages often enter rocky waters when one partner is suffering. However, which partner it is makes a big difference. According to a study in the journal Cancer, when a woman is a cancer or multiple sclerosis patient, they’re six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after the diagnosis compared to when the man is the patient. In other words, women are statistically more willing to do the work of caregiving for a sick partner; men, not so much.

It’s a situation one woman on Reddit is all too familiar with. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few years ago, and her husband responded by cheating on her while she was in treatment. (Wow, we love him already.) Our OP (aka original poster, or the person who wrote the post) took him back afterwards, but now her husband is the one having a health scare, and it’s bringing up all sorts of emotions for our OP — namely, that she’s not so sure she wants to be in this marriage after all, and Reddit sees where she’s coming from. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.

Open relationships really can and do work — we’ve talked to women who’ve been in them and loved it! — but you wouldn’t know it from the amount of stories on the Internet (and especially Reddit) where opening a relationship or a marriage leads to the end of a couple. We hesitate to blame that all on the polyamorous aspect of it; some of these relationships maybe just aren’t built to last, and seeing other people helped them realize it. Other times, the partner(s) were opening up their relationship for the wrong reasons or using it as an avoidance technique instead of addressing their deeper issues.

Whatever the reason for open relationships failing, again, we promise they really do work and can be a beautiful, horizon-broadening experience for all involved … That said, the latest partner to share their open relationship experience on Reddit looks like he’s falling into the camp of the relationship not working out. And while the husband, our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) seems, honestly, more or less fine with getting a divorce, he’s concerned enough about his wife’s upset reaction to share their story on Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum. OP’s wondering if he’s made a mistake, and Reddit was all too happy to weigh in. Keep reading for the full story.

Everybody wants to be in love and nobody wants to talk about what it’s really like to find your way there — or what it’s really like once you finally get there. Whether it’s petty arguments, existential crises, heartbreak, or finding a new partner, love isn’t all fairy tales and couch cuddles. It’s real work to build a partnership.

We love the following sex, dating, and relationships podcasts because they’re some of the few places that really explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, the painful and confusing. Whether it’s advice columns or real stories from folks in the trenches of heartbreak or falling in love, each of these relationship podcasts helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches us about ourselves. (PS: if you’re looking for podcasts on the more erotic side, we’ve got you covered there too.)

Modern Love

If you’re a fan of The New York Times column by the same name on how people do — and do not — fall in love, you’ll love the Modern Love podcast too. They’re the columns you love narrated by voices you recognize, plus interviews with writers and other NYT voices on all things love.

Love Is Like a Plant

A podcast about dating, loneliness, love, breakups and making it work, Love Is Like a Plant explores the central question of how we make love grow. While it’s last episode was in 2022, it’s one that is great to revisit no matter where you are in your relationship.

Relationship Advice

Whether it’s learning to be more intimate, managing stress, handling the holidays or dealing with infidelity, Relationship Advice discusses everything a married couple — or any couple in a long-term relationship — might face. It’s hosted by a divorced, co-parenting couple who have been through it all and are ready to share their knowledge while continuing to learn from experts.

The Holderness Family Podcast

News anchors-turned-content creators-turned-Amazing Race winners Kim and Penn Holderness host this podcast that falls on the marriage and family side of relationships, exploring topics like navigating ADHD and anxiety in a relationship and how to ask your partner for what you want.

It’s My Pleasure

Hosted by sex coach Danielle Savory, It’s My Pleasure encourages women to explore their pleasure, however and wherever they find it. The focus is on embracing intimacy and joy in bed, and the episodes range from hour-long deep dives to bite-sized thought starters, so you can hit play on whatever suits your schedule.

Couple Friends

A lighthearted podcast, Couple Friends is a podcast hosted by a married couple who discuss silly topics and mundane ones, all with a wonderful respect for each other. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with your partner.

Unqualified with Anna Faris

It might seem strange to get love advice from a celebrity, but Anna Faris does a remarkable job with Unqualified. Featuring Bachelorettes, actors, artists, authors, and more, this pod gives celebs the chance to open up about their own relationship ups and downs and share some sage advice to listeners in need while also keeping it fun and lighthearted.

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

If you’ve ever considered couples therapy but didn’t bite the bullet, Where Should We Begin? could be a breakthrough. Esther Perel is best known for her controversial TED talks on infidelity. In this podcast, each episode is a one-time couples therapy session in which Perel helps the couple work through an issue.

The Heart

The Heart is more than a podcast; it’s an experience. Each episode is described by the hosts as “immersive performances and sound design that [make] you feel like you’ve walked into a magic dream world.” The stories about love, identity, and sexuality are from a diverse group of of people, guided by the all-queer staff behind the scenes.

Dear Sugars

Dear Sugars isn’t just a relationships podcast; it’s a “how to live your life” podcast. With all the compassion of the original advice column, the Sugars (aka writers Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond) read letters from people in all kinds of crises, including whether to get married or divorced and what it’s like to cheat — and be cheated on.

We Met at Acme

A bit more on the dating side than the relationship side, We Met at Acme approaches sex, relationships and finding a partnership that will work for you with humor and self-awareness. Plus, there’s talk of all the ways the apps/technology have changed courtship and a dash of astrology thrown in for fun.

Date Yourself Instead

Loving yourself is the first step to finding a loving relationship, and that’s the focus of this empowering podcast from social media personality Lyss Boss. Date Yourself Instead is part first-person dating diary, part advice column, part therapy session, and it’s a must-listen for those of us despairing over the current dating pool.

A version of this story was published January 2018.

Looking for something romantic to watch with your SO? Check out our favorite steamy movies for a bit more date night excitement: 

If you’ve never heard of “baby-trapping,” count yourself lucky, because it’s a pretty terrible thing to do to someone. Baby-trapping is when one partner in a relationship deliberately gets themselves or their partner pregnant to prevent their partner from leaving. It’s usually done in a sneaky way (think: going off the pill without saying anything, poking holes in condoms) so the other partner can’t do anything about it and doesn’t know until the pregnancy test comes back positive. Like we said, it’s no way to treat your partner, because 1.) no one should ever be coerced into having a child, 2.) consent is a thing??, and 3.) manipulating someone, in general, is not the way to a healthy relationship. Honesty truly is the best policy, folks.

So we’re not here to say baby-trapping is ever OK… but we are here to say that maybe some of us need a refresher on its definition. Specifically, we’re talking to a man who recently accused his fiancée of baby-trapping him, despite the fact that she’s had her tubes tied. Yep, you heard that right. She’s been accused of baby-trapping when she can’t even have a baby, and she’s come to Reddit’s relationship advice forum looking for some help on moving forward from this. Which is fair, because again, what? Our OP (aka the fiancée, the author of the post) is understandably confused.

Keep reading for the whole story and to get Reddit’s incredulous take on it all.

General rule of thumb: if you think opening up your marriage or relationship will save your marriage or relationship, it’s probably not going to work. Don’t just take our word for it: experts and women who’ve tried open relationships (including one mom who wrote a bestselling memoir about the experience) have told SheKnows that open relationships are best started from a place of complete trust and commitment. If you’re dealing with deep marital issues, introducing other partners into the mix will probably not solve the issue.

We can understand the temptation, though. Let’s say, for example, your marriage is pretty much fine. You get along well, you’re good co-parents, you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this partnership… but you’re just not sexually compatible anymore. At least one of you isn’t feeling fulfilled, for whatever reason. Why blow up the whole marriage when you could just open up your relationship and have your sexual needs met elsewhere?

That’s essentially the case for one woman on Reddit, who shared her story on the site’s Am I the Asshole? forum recently. Our OP (aka original poster, or the author of the post) is dealing with a classic dead bedroom issue with her husband and is at her wit’s end. She’s suggested an open marriage to avoid divorce, but after her husband’s response, now she’s wondering if she was an asshole for even bringing it up. Keep reading for the full story and Reddit’s response.

No threesome is exactly the same. Whether it’s spontaneous or planned, your first threesome or your tenth, inviting a third person into what is, for many of us, a two-person situation always makes things a little different. A lot of times, that’s a good (and exciting!) thing, a much-needed way to spice things up in the bedroom, especially for steady couples looking for something new. But no matter what the context or how many partners you have, one thing stays the same: you’re going to have to talk through some things.

We mean talking about what feels good and what you’re consenting to — making sure everyone is on the same page before the fun kicks off — as well as establishing some clear boundaries. Sometimes one partner will be more interested in watching than participating; other times, everyone wants an equal share of the physical action. And that type of communication is exactly where one couple on Reddit is struggling.

This couple has pursued threesomes for the majority of their relationship, inviting other women into their bedroom and having a great time doing it. But a recent encounter ended badly, with the wife (aka our OP, or the author of the post) feeling like she’d been cheated on in the middle of her own threesome. She shared her experience with the Reddit r/relationship advice forum, and Redditors were more than ready to weigh in on the “tricky” situation. Keep reading for the full story.

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If there’s one thing that Drs. John and Julie Gottman want every couple to know, it’s that fighting is normal. In fact, Julie tells SheKnows, 69 percent of all problems within a relationship are what the Gottmans call perpetual issues, meaning they don’t necessarily get solved… ever. “Don’t freak out about it,” says Julie, a clinical psychologist. “It’s normal.”

The Gottmans are both relationship experts, cofounders of The Gottman Institute, and co-authors of multiple bestselling books on love and marriage, so they know a few things about couples in conflict. Now they’re sharing that knowledge in their new book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, which has a simple but revolutionary thesis: that fighting with your partner, far from being a bad thing, is actually an opportunity for emotional intimacy. “Conflict has a goal,” says John, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington. “The goal is mutual understanding, as opposed to winning… It’s really a way we can get closer.” In other words, an argument with your partner isn’t a battle with a winner and a loser; it’s a collaboration, a way to connect.

It’s a nice way to think about it, but how do you actually do that in real life, when your blood’s boiling, your voice is raised, and this person you love looks more like an adversary? The Gottmans boiled down their decades of research into a few tangible tips for turning your arguments into moments of connection, and while doing so, they also unearthed several common mistakes preventing that from happening. Below, check out six things to avoid in your next argument with your partner and what to do instead.

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Mistake #1: You’re coming in too hot.

The beginning of your argument or conflict conversation is extremely important, and not only for how the conversation is going to go. According to their research, Julie says, “the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predict with 96 percent accuracy how the rest of that conversation is going to go, and also [with 90 percent accuracy]… how the rest of the relationship is going to go,” up to six years down the line. That’s a lot of pressure to put on those first three minutes, but the Gottmans say there’s a formula that can help you succeed — and a few things to avoid.

Many people enter a conflict conversation by “dropping a bomb”: lobbing a verbal grenade and launching a surprise attack on their partner. This can look like harsh criticism of your partner (“You’re such a slob”), jumping into what they’re doing wrong (“Why can’t you just do the dishes for once?”), or piling on any other issues that have been bothering you, aka “kitchen sinking” (“I shouldn’t be surprised — it’s not like you ever do laundry or clean up after the kids.”).

Instead, the Gottmans suggest starting with a strategy they’ve observed in their most successful couples, aka the “masters of love.” There are three parts to it:

Start with your feelings: Whether you’re upset, stressed, angry, or sad, say what you’re feeling before you even get to talking about your partner.

State the situation that’s causing the feeling. Julie emphasizes that you want to point out a situation here (the dishes aren’t done), not a personality flaw of your partner (the dishes aren’t done because your partner is lazy).

Say what you need in a positive way. The Gottmans call this a positive need, meaning, you’re not telling your partner to stop doing something, but rather what they can do to fix the issue. It’s the difference between “Stop being so lazy” and “Can you do the dishes while I’m putting the kids to bed?” Your partner becomes your collaborator rather than your adversary.

Put together, this would look something like: “It stresses me out when you don’t do the dishes after I’ve cooked all evening. Would you mind starting on them while I put the kids to bed?” The conversation will be much more productive when your partner doesn’t feel attacked right out of the gate.

Mistake #2: You’re staying in the shallows

Remember those perpetual problems that are at the heart of most of our arguments with our partners? Just because they can’t be perfectly solved doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about them. There is often a core need, or what the Gottmans call a dream, at the heart of these perpetual problem gridlocks, something extremely important to one or both partners that hasn’t been unearthed or articulated.

Unless an issue is purely logistical, don’t stay on the surface. When you’re in conflict with your partner, Julie explains, it’s so important to “pause to deeply understand your partner’s position on something, including understanding what values are connected to it and what personal history might be connected.” For each partner, what’s the ideal outcome in this situation, “and is there some sense of life, purpose, or meaning attach to their position on this issue?” It’s crucial to understand the depths behind your differences in opinions before you even start moving toward resolving them.

Mistake #3: You’re compromising your core needs.

Relatedly, compromising is an important step to resolving an issue, but it’s crucial that the compromise doesn’t infringe upon one of your core needs or dreams. “If you give up a core need, then the compromise will be sabotaged,” John explains. “It won’t work. So you have to understand what each person’s core need is, and you have to protect that before you get into a solution to the problem.”

And yes, this means that some problems may not be resolved — and that some relationships, ultimately, won’t work out because of it. If one partner’s dream is to have children and the other’s is to stay childless, well, there’s no way to compromise on that without one partner sacrificing their dream. That leads to dissatisfaction, resentment, and an unhappy relationship — one that might be better off ending, so both partners can build the life they want.

Mistake #4: You’re on the negative side of the Magic Ratio.

The Gottmans’ research on couples’ conflicts revealed that couples who stay together happily are able to maintain a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in their arguments — in other words doing five positive things for every negative thing.

A positive interaction, in this case, could be as small as a nod or an acknowledgment that the partner is listening (like “I never thought of that” or “good point”), a gesture of affection or validation, or a moment of shared humor, interest or curiosity in what the other person is saying. Negative things might be expressions of angry criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or giving the silent treatment (more on those in a minute). The Gottmans’ “masters of love” would have a 5:1 ratio (or better) of positive to negative during an argument; the couples who ended up separating or staying together unhappily “had a ratio that averaged 0.8:1 — more negativity than positivity,” John explained. It’s important to have more positivity than negativity because the hurt of negative interactions and comments has a more lasting effect than positive ones, he says. “A lot more positivity has to be there to balance a negative.”

You can shift a conflict to the positive side, the Gottmans say, by making a repair attempt, which they define in Fight Right as “any comment or action that counteracts the negativity in a fight and prevents a conversation from escalating.” Repair attempts might include:

Crucially, both partners need to be open to a repair attempt, both the one making the attempt and the one responding to it.

Mistake #5: You’re being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling.

The Gottmans call criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because couples who exhibited these behaviors during conflict “were likely to split an average of five years post-wedding,” they write. These are the behaviors on the negative end of the magic ratio, the ones you want to avoid as much as possible.

What makes these behaviors so hurtful? For starters, Julie says, criticism “is a way of saying, ‘You’re not worthy of my love.'” It’s the opposite of showing love to a partner — you’re expressing how much you don’t love them and the specific things that you don’t like. It triggers insecurity and “can be very painful for people to hear, because it counteracts their basic need to be loved and to be respected.”

Contempt is the same thing, but done from a position of superiority. “That feels even worse,” Julie says. “[Contempt] is sulfuric acid on a relationship.”

Defensiveness, then, is a natural response to feeling attacked through criticism or contempt, an attempt to shield ourselves from the pain by reflecting it back on our partner. Stonewalling, meanwhile, happens when someone “completely shuts down” and is no longer able or willing to continue the conversation. “That signals to the other person, ‘They don’t wanna hear me. Maybe I’m being rejected,'” Julie explains, triggering feelings of abandonment or loneliness on the part of the person being stonewalled, when what they’re looking for is connection and communication.

Defensiveness and stonewalling often occur in moments of emotional flooding (more on that in a second), Julie adds, meaning that calling for a break — or, in the case of defensiveness, acknowledging to your partner that you’re feeling defensive — can defuse the situation and allow both of you to come back when the Four Horsemen aren’t quite so powerful.

Mistake #6: You’re getting flooded with emotion.

Maintaining the positive ratio and avoiding the Four Horsemen sounds simple enough until you’re actually in the argument, getting angry and frustrated with your partner. The Gottmans call this “flooding.” Similar to “fight or flight” mode, flooding occurs when we get “overwhelmed in conflict, hijacked by our own nervous system in response to negativity from our partners,” the Gottmans write. Flooding doesn’t mean you’re making a mistake per se, as it’s a natural reaction that many of us experience during conflict, but what you do when you’re getting flooded can determine the outcome of your argument and relationship. “When we see a pattern of flooding in a couple… we know that without intervention, they’re headed for a split,” the Gottmans write. That’s because, when you’re flooded, “you’re incapable of fighting right.” You just can’t process information, hear what your partner is saying, and respond instinctively with something negative.

If this experience sounds familiar, the first thing to do is recognize your own personal signs of flooding, which can include shortness of breath, elevated heart rate, face redness, or muscle tightness. If you start to feel any of these, Julie says, call for a break in the fight. When you do this, “everything needs to stop on a dime,” she explains. Then, tell your partner when you’ll come back to talk about it again; Julie says the break should last a minimum of 30 minutes and no longer than 24 hours.

While you’re taking your break, resist the urge to think about the fight or plan what you’re going to say when you come back; that’s just going to keep you in that flooded state. “Instead, you need to do something self-soothing,” Julie says, like exercising, going for a walk, doing yoga, listening to music, reading, doing email — anything that “gets your mind off the fight so that your body has a chance to metabolize the adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones that have flooded your blood supply,” she says.

When you and your partner reconvene, “typically you’ll be much more calm and gentle,” Julie says, which means you’ll be more capable of initiating repair attempts and interacting on the positive side of that magic ratio.

Before you go, check out our favorite books on manifesting the life of your dreams:

Planning a wedding means a lot of stress, from beginning to end. That includes the big decisions like choosing your location, date, and dress, right down to the smallest details, like the frosting on your cake and the calligraphy on your place cards. Not to mention you’re balancing a lot of different opinions that don’t always align — including yours and your partner’s. Just because you’re in love with someone, doesn’t mean you’re always in agreement (as many, many couples can attest). But what happens when the disagreement is about one of the most important parts of your wedding?

We’re talking about picking your wedding party. This is one of the bigger decisions in the wedding-planning process, because these are the people you’ll see the most often throughout this process — you want them to be your favorites! We’ve all heard of (or experienced) wedding party drama, whether it’s one so-called BFF being left out or a bridesmaid having a little too much fun at the reception. But in the case of one Reddit couple, the wedding party issues are getting particularly personal.

In this situation, the bride-to-be (aka our OP, or the author of the post) is facing a “dealbreaker” situation as her fiancé insists on including his ex-girlfriend (!) in his wedding party. Yep, it’s as bad as it seems, and OP is coming to Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum for some second opinions, which Reddit was only too happy to provide. Keep reading for the full story.

What do you do when your partner asks for an open relationship? It’s a problem many monogamous couples never expect to have, but people are more accepting of open relationships than ever, with a third of Americans deeming open marriages acceptable, per a 2023 Pew survey, including more than 50 percent of American adults under 30.

Many people believe open relationships are just an excuse to cheat without getting in trouble, but there are some legitimate upsides. You get to experience other kinds of relationships, expand your capacity to love, and broaden your sexual horizon. That said, open relationships aren’t for everyone. So what happens if the conversation comes up and one partner is a hard no… but the other really wants to try it?

One couple on Reddit is in that exact situation, and it’s as complicated and anxiety-inducing as you might think. In this case, the wife is the one asking to open up the marriage, while her husband (our OP, Reddit-speak for the author of the post) isn’t interested at all. Specifically, he thinks it’s “totally unacceptable.” Now he’s hurt and she’s “heartbroken,” and they’re wondering where they even begin to go from here. Reddit, of course, had quite a few opinions on the topic. Keep reading for the full story, Reddit’s thoughts, and our ultimate takeaways.

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It’s Valentine’s Day, which means it’s time for sweet gifts like chocolate, flowers, fancy dates, and generally anything that makes you (and your partner) feel romantic and special. Whether you’re in a relationship this Valentine’s Day or enjoying the single life, we can all use some TLC this time of year, and what better way to do it than with a brand new sex toy?

And now’s the time to invest in one (or two, or three…). Not only is it the day for romance, but one of our favorite online sex toy brands, Lovehoney, is offering major savings for Valentine’s Day — just what you need to save some money and get you through the rest of the winter. Everything from clitoral stimulators to G-spot vibrators to sexy lingerie is on sale for up to 65 (!) percent off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up a few of our favorite deals from the site — toys you’ll come back to time and time again, lingerie that flatters and makes you feel gorgeous, and full gift boxes with everything you need to start your own toy collection (or a friend’s or lover’s). Click through our faves, check out Lovehoney’s site for the full set of sales, and enjoy some steamy self-care this Valentine’s Day.

And be sure to be quick about it because the deals end TODAY!

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Molly Roden Winter can vividly recall the moment her oldest son found out about her open marriage. Understandable, really. It’s not every day you find yourself taking an awkward-as-hell phone call in the middle of an airport, preparing to talk with your child about your sex life.

“That moment was terror,” Winter tells SheKnows a few weeks after the release of her bestselling book, More: A Memoir of Open Marriage, which opens with the airport scene. There was embarrassment, of course, at the prospect of talking to her 13-year-old son about this particular topic, but the emotions ran deeper than that. “Ultimately, it was about shame for me,” Winter said. She was terrified her son, Daniel, would either think less of her or “be damaged in some way by what I was doing.”

What Winter was doing was dating other men while staying married to her husband, who, for his part, was also dating other women — in other words, an open relationship. Daniel found out by glimpsing the profile her husband, Stewart, had posted on a dating website. (Coincidentally, Winter’s younger son, Nate, found out the same way a few years ago. “My husband’s sloppiness,” Winter sighs.)

More is filled with moments like this, infused with secondhand cringe so strong you might have to put the book down for a minute. And yes, before you ask, there are also plenty of sexy interludes with Winter’s various partners, but those are often followed by distress as Winter learned to manage the maelstrom of emotions, from euphoria to guilt to poisonous jealousy, that came with navigating life outside the bounds of monogamy.

It’s what she hopes to show through the memoir: an honest portrayal of an open relationship that’s as challenging as it is joyous. “We have myriad examples of monogamy, so let’s offer some models of non-monogamy as well,” Winter says. “We need models of people who have been through some rough stuff so you have some guidance as to where this might go and how you might handle it when it happens.”

For Winter, opening up her marriage was a mutual decision. Overwhelmed with the demands of mothering two young children, she found herself crushing on an acquaintance. “I met somebody and was just flooded with this feeling that I didn’t know what to do with,” Winter recalls. “I didn’t know what it meant, but my husband encouraged me to act on it. And that’s the story of More.”

We caught up with Winter to talk about what it’s really like to juggle the responsibilities of parenthood within an open marriage and how it’s made her happier and more fulfilled than ever.

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

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SheKnows: So… that moment with your son at the beginning of the book. What was that like?

Molly Roden Winter: That moment was terror. In retrospect, I’m like, of course, he found out. I really wish I would have preempted it and and revealed it rather than let him discover it.

Now that my kids are 19 and almost 22, I feel a lot calmer about how things went. You’re kind of waiting to make sure you haven’t totally screwed them up, you know? There’s a line in the book where I ask my therapist, ‘Do you think I’ve screwed Daniel up?’ and my therapist says, ‘I think you’re screwing him up the exact average amount.’

We’re all doing our best. What I understand now is that the most important thing is for me to be my authentic self with my children, and that doesn’t mean I can’t have boundaries, or I can’t have private things in my life.

SK: That’s a major part of the book, too. Your role as a mom, and how it took over your whole identity, was a big impetus for you to open your marriage.

MRW: It was. I was 26 when I got married, which is pretty young, by New York standards [Winter lives in Brooklyn], and my whole life I kind of raced to do everything. I skipped a grade, I went to college at 16, and then I had one serious boyfriend before I met my husband. All of those years, my ‘identity’ was to be as good as I could be to please everyone all the time, which becomes impossible, and I had never really let myself figure out who the heck I was.

Stewart was the second man I went out on a date with. I didn’t expect to fall in love again that fast after my previous relationship, and Stewart told me before we even got engaged, ‘You know, there’s no way you’re gonna be okay with never sleeping with someone else again.’ He was five years older. He’d had a couple year-long relationships, but as I like to say, he dated the city. I still don’t know how many women he dated before we got married. (I also don’t know how many women he dated after we got married. Isn’t that funny?)

I consider myself lucky that I made a great choice of partner in a husband who recognized early on that I had some living to do, and he wanted to be part of it, not someone who thwarted it.

SK: Being a mom in an open marriage, you talk about having to code-switch between being a woman who’s actively dating and getting intimate with different men, and then coming back home and tucking your kids in for bed. Was there a period of adjusting to those two separate lives and bringing them together?

MRW: Yeah, I think some code-switching is gonna be required, but I think you need a little of it. You need that space to even be able to code-switch, you know what I mean? We encourage women to give up their full selves when they become mothers. I think you have to, as a mom, find a way to integrate these different parts of yourself into an authentic whole, and it’s not easy.

In other cultures it’s more accepted for a woman to be a sexual being and a mother, but in our culture — for whatever reason, our puritanical roots perhaps — we have this divide. And it doesn’t even have to be sexual, it just has to be authentic and whole. We need to find more space in our lives to embrace things that are not fulfilled by the role of mother.

SK: And that fear you mentioned, that you’re going to screw up your kid if you don’t give them every inch of your energy — in your experience, that hasn’t been the case.

MRW: No, and in fact, I do feel like my full, authentic self all the time, and because I’m able to do that, my kids now bring their authentic self to me. That’s a lovely thing. They don’t have to sanitize themselves for me. They know I’m not going to clutch my pearls. Yes, I can still be a bit of a worrier, but that’s part of it. I allow myself to be flawed, and so they feel like they feel like they can be flawed with me as well, in a way that’s a lot more relaxed and healthy.

SK: So, you mentioned your younger son, Nate, found out about your open marriage in a similar way…

MRW: I mean, almost exactly the same. It was also social media. I was actually meditating in my room when it happened, and the way I reacted was so different because I was coming from this secure, calm place.

He runs up the stairs, so anxious, like, ‘Dad’s cheating on you!’ And all I said was, ‘Honey. No, he’s not. Everything is fine. Let me finish my meditation, and then we’ll talk.’ I finished my meditation, then I called my husband and I was like, ‘What the hell did you do now?!’

This time we talked about it together with him, instead of one at a time. It was scattered and and not very well thought-through with our older child, and with our younger child, I think we handled it better and talked about it with a united front.

And again, it’s not easy. It’s not easy talking to your teenagers about sex, period, and it’s certainly not easy talking about your own sex life. It’s hard for kids to deal with, only because, in my opinion, in our culture, we don’t normalize that. We make it sound like there’s something deviant happening when, in fact, it’s totally normal to be a sexual person and a parent.

SK: Have you ever considered introducing your kids to your other partners?

MRW: A couple months ago, I introduced my current boyfriend of three years to my oldest, who is 21. I wanted to invite them both to my birthday party and I asked my son in advance if that would be OK, and he said yes.

But it’s all dependent on the situation. There’s a section in the book where a man I was dating wanted me to meet his younger son. And I didn’t want to, because I wasn’t sure where our relationship was headed. I used to be a middle school teacher and I know how kids can bond with adults that are not their parents, and I didn’t want him to like me and then lose me. His parents were getting a divorce, too, and I didn’t want to be seen as the reason for that. And if I was the reason for that, I needed to absent myself completely, because I shouldn’t be.

There are polyamorous families, more like kitchen table poly, where people are really, firmly established in your life as part of your family unit. That’s not the style of polyamory that my husband and I have. I’m not saying that one is better than the other, but that was never my interest.

I think it’s an individual decision to make, and how it’s going to impact the kids is something to consider. If you think your relationship is shaky, introducing the person to your kids is not gonna make the relationship solid.

SK: When you first open up your marriage, you set a bunch of rules with Stewart, and then you go on to mostly break almost all of them. By the end of the book, you both agree to follow just one rule, which is that you’re going to be honest with each other. Why do you think that’s the most important?

MRW: I’ve actually added a second rule, too, so I’ll get to that in a second. But I think honesty is so crucial to trust. Once you’ve been in a marriage that is this open for this long — it’s been almost 16 years since we opened our marriage, and we’ve been married for 24 — we’re at a point now where the trust is baked in to who we are as a couple.

We also keep choosing each other. I know we’re not going anywhere, but it’s because we choose each other, not because we’re stuck. We both have had experiences where a partner wanted us to leave our spouse to be in a monogamous relationship with someone else, and that’s never what I wanted and never what my husband wanted. The reason I felt like I could explore was because I had that secure base.

We didn’t want a marriage that was based on anything other than choosing each other. I wanted him to want to be with me, and I don’t think that kind of freedom is the anathema to commitment. I think it’s got to be part of the commitment.

SK: And the second rule?

MRW: The second rule is that once you’re honest with each other, feelings are gonna come up, and you have to help your partner with those feelings. So if I want my husband to tell me that he’s going out with someone new and then he tells me how hilarious she was, I might have some feelings about that. And Stewart used say, ‘Well, I shouldn’t tell you anything, cause you just freak out.’ And that wasn’t working for me.

Those feelings are the price of admission. Yes, I might get upset, but then you have to help me deal with that. Sometimes I need you to give me a hug, or tell me nice things, or maybe I want a special date night. Before, he would get angry at my anger because I had given him permission to do something but then got upset when he did it. I see how that was unfair, but at the same time, it’s normal and natural. So we had to evolve into that.

SK: What advice do you have for someone considering opening up their relationship?

MRW: One of my rules of thumb is that, if one person is more enthusiastic than the other, the less enthusiastic person needs to go first. That seems a little counterintuitive, but in my experience, my husband was always pretty enthusiastic, so I was the one who went first. Once I was able to realize that my feelings for another man are making me love my husband more, not less, that helped to mitigate some of the threat I might feel if if my husband started developing feelings for someone else. And we had to really talk our way through it the whole time.

You’ve also got to just keep checking in with each other. You can make rules, but think of them more as guardrails and be aware that you’re gonna hit the guardrails sometimes. You’re gonna realize, ‘Oh, we need to make this lane a little wider.’ It’s about continuing to talk with each other throughout the process.

And also, you can’t save your marriage by opening it. You have to be pretty darn committed to the communication piece and understanding that it’s about the relationship, but even more so, it’s about you two as individuals, and you’ve gotta be willing to give some space to your partner for where this is gonna take them.

SK: After these years in an open marriage and reflecting on it in your memoir, what would you say is the hardest part of being in an open marriage? And what’s the best part?

MRW: The hardest part is definitely the jealousy, but the jealousy is a mask for fear. That, and the heartbreak — all the negative feelings are the hardest part. I’ve loved people and then lost them. I have had intense jealousy. I’ve had fear, feeling like I was going to lose my husband.

But as it so happens, I think that’s why I got the best parts, which are the things that I have learned about myself and the ways in which I’ve grown. I really feel that love is not finite, and it’s not just theoretical anymore — I’ve felt that I can love this person fully and this person fully. I just have more love in me and coming to me than I ever have before.

People ask me all the time, ‘If the open marriage was so hard, why did you do it?’ and for me, it was because I got this glimpse early on that there was something here that I needed to confront, and I could sense that open marriage was a way for me to confront it. Anything in life that is painful is an opportunity to learn and grow. This has been a trial by fire for me, but out of it has come this incredible self-knowledge and love that I wouldn’t trade.

Open relationships come with a lot of unique challenges. That’s not a shocking thing to say, considering that every type of relationship on the planet has challenges, but with open relationships, you’re dealing with emotions that most of us aren’t too comfortable with. Jealousy is one of them, alongside fear, uncertainty, and insecurity, just to name a few. Seeing your partner date, sleep with, or even fall in love with other people can just be uncomfortable, even if you gave them permission to do those things — and even if you’re doing those things yourself.

One woman on Reddit is looking for advice for dealing with her own jealousy and insecurity in her open marriage. She and her husband opened up their relationship a year ago, and after a slow start on her husband’s part, he’s finally found a woman to date whom he’s very into: gushing about her, staying up for hours talking with her, giving her lavish gifts and dates. Now our OP (Reddit-speak for the author of the post) is feeling a little neglected, but when she brought her feelings up to her husband, it turned into a screaming argument.

Like we said, jealousy is a common experience in open relationships, as many other Reddit posts can attest to. So what exactly happened in our OP’s case, and what does Reddit have to say about it? Keep reading for the full story (plus an update from OP).

Does it seem like everyone is talking about open relationships lately? It’s not just you — interest and acceptance of open relationships has been on the rise over the last few years. It’s a trend that experts speaking to the BBC trace back to about 2016, and as of 2023, a full third of Americans believe open marriages are acceptable, according to a Pew survey. And that number is set to keep growing; though monogamous relationships are still the norm, 51 percent of the younger generation (adults ages 18 to 29) approves of open marriages.

Of course, there’s still a lot of stigma and stereotypes around open relationships: that they’re just a guilt-free way to cheat, a soft launch for a break-up, an excuse for horny monogamous partners (usually men, the stereotype goes) to step out. It doesn’t help that most of the stories we hear about open relationships seem to go one way: one partner pushes for it, the other reluctantly gives in, then the instigator immediately gets jealous when they see just how popular their partner really is. There are dozens of Reddit posts (and, until recently, a whole forum) dedicated to this seemingly common experience. Spoiler alert: the primary relationship doesn’t usually survive.

The good news is that not all open relationships follow this pattern. “Open relationships can be incredibly fulfilling for many individuals,” Lauren Consul, LMFT, a therapist specializing in open relationships, tells SheKnows. Consul believes that lingering social stigma dissuades people from talking about their positive experiences, which feeds into this “skewed perspective,” she says. “The narratives we often hear tend to revolve around relationships that didn’t work out, possibly because they were not approached in a constructive manner.”

It’s clear that we still have a lot of work to do around truly understanding and accepting open relationships. That starts with learning what an open relationship really is, whether it can work (it can!), and what it’s really like to be in one — from women who are actually doing it.

What is an open relationship?

The definition of open relationship varies, but generally speaking, it refers to an established couple who agrees to “have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time,” therapist and behavioral analyst Laurie Singer, LMFT, BCBA, tells SheKnows. One or both partners might be involved in outside relationships, and those relationships themselves can range from purely sexual to dating to deeply emotionally intimate — it all depends. “An open relationship encompasses a myriad of possibilities,” Consul says.

To add to the confusion, there are also multiple different words used to describe open relationships, including open marriages (if the couple is married), consensual or ethical non-monogamy (ENM or CNM), and polyamory (more on that later). “As the landscape around non-monogamous relationships is continually evolving, it’s important to avoid assumptions when someone labels their relationship,” Consul says.

As for why people choose to try open relationships, well, there are a variety of reasons for that too. People may be looking for:

Couples may also look to open up their relationships due to a lack of communication, Singer says, which usually comes from fear. For example, if a partner in a long-term relationship isn’t satisfied sexually, “they may not want to hurt their partners feelings yet still seek out a way to fill what’s missing without doing it behind their partners back,” she says.

Polyamory vs. open relationship: What’s the difference?

Polyamory and open relationships often get confused with each other, but they’re two different types of non-monogamy, licensed mental health counselor Daniel Rich of Clarity Therapy tells SheKnows. “While an open relationship is usually one where partners are still emotionally monogamous, polyamory allows partners to have sexual, emotional, and romantic relationships with multiple people,” Rich explains. In polyamory, Consul agrees, there is “an assumption that love or emotional connections are integral to the additional relationships.”

Another difference: in an open relationship, there’s a primary couple. Within that couple, either one or both partners may be seeing other people, typically (but not always) with an emphasis on physical rather than emotional connections. In polyamory, meanwhile, “someone may enter in to two separate relationships at the same time and see them each as equal,” Singer notes.

Polyamory is where you also tend to hear about different relationship structures, Rich says, of which there are many. Some common ones include:

Triads or quads: three or four people all dating each other

Kitchen table polyamory: all partners know each other and share social spaces, even if they aren’t dating

Parallel polyamory: someone may have multiple partners who do not know each other or share social spaces

“The idea is to find a relationship structure that meets the relational, sexual, and emotional needs of both you and your partners,” Rich explains.

Do open relationships work?

Consensual nonmonogamy isn’t for everyone, but open relationships can “absolutely” work, says Consul. “When approached with respect, trust, and open communication, open relationships can create a space for personal growth, exploration, and deeper connections among partners,” Consul explains. As with any relationship, you’ll need to put in some work and prioritize communication, boundaries, and creating an environment of trust and understanding.

It’s also important that both partners are fully onboard. “If one person in the primary relationship is not open to the idea then a negative outcome is almost certain,” says Singer. “No person should feel bullied into agreeing to an open relationship and if pressure exists, there will most likely be resentment down the road.” It’s also worth noting that if you’re considering opening up your marriage as a way to ignore, cover up, or repair underlying issues, that won’t work either. “Some may think an open relationship will fix whatever deep-seeded issues they may have, but more than likely, they will carry over into any relationship,” Singer explains.

It’s all about creating safety and trust, our experts say. If you rush at the beginning of an open relationship (which is common when one partner is pushing for it), you’re sowing “impatience, pressure, and unintentionality” right when you need the exact opposite of those things, Rich says. “That being said, a rocky start doesn’t mean an open relationship cannot become fulfilling for both partners in the long term,” he adds. “Slowing down, addressing any pain that may have been caused, and moving forward intentionally can lead to a better, more fulfilling outcome.”

In the same way, just because one partner is initially more interested in an open relationship than the other, doesn’t mean the relationship can never be opened successfully. In a healthy partnership, being open to being influenced by your partner is a good thing, explains Consul. She stresses that “influence” does not mean coercion or manipulation. “Being open to being influenced by your partner means you respect your partner so much that you want to hear and are curious about their ideas and thoughts, even if they are different from your own,” she says. Oftentimes, one partner might present the idea of non-monogamy to a partner who hadn’t previously considered it, but after “collaborative and respectful discussion with their partner, they decide they are open to exploring different aspects of it,” Consul says.

What’s it like to be in an open relationship?

Every open relationship is different, but there will always be pros and cons to deal with. Feelings of jealousy, doubt, insecurity, and rejection can be common in open relationships, especially at the beginning, Rich says. People in open relationships might also find it hard to juggle multiple emotional connections, time commitments, and societal perceptions, Consul adds.

That said, an open relationship is also an opportunity for excitement, self-discovery, and deepening your connection with your primary partner, Rich says. “When open relationships are approached and maintained in a proactive, supportive way, the experience is one of greater fulfillment, pleasure, and living in a way that feels more authentic to each person,” he explains.

Open relationship stories from real women

Of course, there’s no better way to find out what it’s really like to be in an open relationship than to talk to people who’ve actually done it themselves. Here’s what six women have to say why they opened their relationship and some of the pros and cons of being open.

Long-distance love

“Crazy travel schedules and long months apart led to our open relationship. At times, it’s hard to avoid getting jealous, and it can be challenging to sustain communication across the miles and time zones. Missing each other doesn’t help, either. When one of us gets back to home base and we’re together for the first time in a long time, we spend a night discussing everything: who we’ve been with, how many partners, how long, was it serious at the time, whether the other person knew about our relationship and finally, are we able to put it behind us and move forward and never bring it up again, even if we have a scuffle? What works with our open relationship is experiencing different partners without guilt. Another good part is that the open communication leads to communication about everything.” — Sloane, 45, Los Angeles, California, has been in an open relationship for four years

Seeing other women

“My husband knew when we started dating that I was bisexual, but I fell in love with him and he was the one I chose as my life partner. We’ve been married for two years, and despite him being my husband, we’ve had an understanding that I can see other women outside the marriage. We don’t see it as cheating because he knows it’s a part of who I am and a part that doesn’t get satisfied within our marriage. Some of the challenges that have come up are that at times, he can feel neglected since he doesn’t see anyone else. Even though we agree that I put him and the relationship first, he can get jealous. Many may wonder how our open relationship could possibly make our marriage strong, but it does. Everyone’s needs are always met, which I think makes us both happier.” — Valerya, 29, New York, New York

Bisexual boundaries

“My husband and I have been married almost three years. We were both raised Mormon and we met while attending BYU. My husband is bisexual, but almost exclusively dated women before we got married. Because of our conservative upbringings, we felt there were some formative experiences we missed as young people. Neither one of us had much opportunity to explore our sexualities. One day, my husband was confiding in me that he wished he had felt freer as a teenager and young adult to explore his interest in men. I felt this sincere regret on his behalf, and before I knew it, I was telling him he had my blessing to explore his sexuality outside our marriage.

“Opening our marriage felt so incredibly right and natural, but we are not without our challenges. I don’t feel comfortable telling others about the dynamic of my marriage. And of course you have to consider the fact that maybe your partner finds a lot of opportunities outside your marriage. Assuming that an open relationship means no rules would be a huge danger. You have to trust each other, but part of that trust is establishing boundaries. For me, opening our relationship has deepened my commitment to my husband, and it has helped me confront my insecurities. Somehow, seeing that my husband has the option to be with anyone he wants but still chooses to make a life with me has helped me realize how much he loves me.” — Jillian, 35, Portland, Maine

Just about sex

“We just opened our marriage up to dating other people three months ago, and so far, so good. We got married right out of college, and while we do still love each other, there is that sexual aspect that died years ago. And trust me, we’ve tried everything from marriage and sex therapy to scheduled date nights, and nothing seemed to bring that spark back. For us, the other partners are just about sex. Right now, it feels like we work better as friends and partners trying to raise our two kids, although to be honest, I’m starting to get a little jealous. I worry that he might fall in love with someone else even though we agreed it was just to satisfy our sexual urges. We are also careful about what we say in front of the children. They’re still pretty young. In time, we may tell them if we’re still open. We decided not to share details about who we were meeting and what we were doing with each other, but would be transparent if one of us had questions.” — Santita, 36, Chicago, Illinois

From open to over

“Attempting an open relationship was the worst thing for my relationship. I was the one who convinced my boyfriend of eight years that we should try it. We were both very into our careers at the time, and it was very hard for both of us to prioritize our relationship. Since we knew we couldn’t put as much into the relationship as we could when we first started dating, we agreed that we would be together, but allowed to see other people at the same time. We thought it would ensure all our needs were being met and we wouldn’t be disappointing one another. Looking back, we should’ve just broken up and saved ourselves all the trouble.

“Even though I talked him into it, I was the one who got so jealous, I couldn’t take it. I found myself spending more time interrogating him about the girls he was seeing than I ever did working on our own relationship. I had a single one-night stand, and I felt awful about it. He, meanwhile, slept with at least six other girls. After only seven months of attempting an open relationship, we decided it would be best if we split up. I haven’t heard from him since then. That was over a year ago.” — Bianca, 30, Miami, Florida

Filling a temporary void

“I was in a short-term open relationship with my husband of 17 years for four years. He’s an engineer and when he got promoted, he started traveling often for long stints of time. He was the one who suggested the concept because he knew how hard it was for me to be alone all the time. We don’t have kids, so I would often get bored and lonely, missing that companionship. We agreed that I could ‘hang out’ with other men as long as there was no actual sex. We called it ‘hanging out’ rather than dating because I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, just male companionship.

“It was weird at first, going out with another man, and I kept feeling like I was going behind my husband’s back. A few times, I ran into friends while out with someone I was casually seeing. I often had to lie to them about who the other man was because my husband and I didn’t tell any friends or family about our agreement. Regardless of the social taboo, an open relationship helped fill a void and I completely stopped seeing others when his travel stopped. I really think an open relationship can work and help couples, but it depends on their personalities and the strength of the relationship. Make sure both of you are 100 percent OK with it, or I could see how jealously could easily destroy the relationship.” — Marilyn, 53, Long Island, New York

Before you go, check out these must-try sex positions you’ll love:

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