An illuminating and thought-provoking examination of the uniquely American institution of marriage, from the Colonial era through the #MeToo age
Americans hold marriage in such high esteem that we push people toward it, reward them for taking part in it, and fetishize its benefits to the point that we routinely ignore or excuse bad behavior and societal ills in the name of protecting and promoting it.
In eras of slavery and segregation, Blacks sometimes gained white legal status through marriage.
Laws have been designed to encourage people to marry so that certain societal benefits could be achieved: the population would increase, women would have financial security, children would be cared for, and immigrants would have familial connections.
As late as the Great Depression, poor young women were encouraged to marry aged Civil War veterans for lifetime pensions.
The widely overlooked problem with this tradition is that individuals and society have relied on marriage to address or dismiss a range of injustices and inequities, from gender- and race-based discrimination, sexual violence, and predation to unequal financial treatment.
One of the most persuasive arguments against women’s right to vote was that marrying and influencing their husband’s choices was just as meaningful, if not better.
Through revealing storytelling, Zug builds a compelling case that when marriage is touted as “the solution” to such problems, it absolves the government, and society, of the responsibility for directly addressing them.
CW – there is part of a vile racist period editorial about the enslaved African-American woman with whom Vice-President Richard Johnson had two daughters.
Review
I knew from the blurb that this wasn’t going to be a lighthearted, fun look at the history of the institution of marriage in the United States. And it wasn’t. But by the end of chapter one, I knew it was going to be a fairly bleak examination of something that most people take for granted that they will, at one point in their lives, be a part of – marriage. As far as how it affects women, minorities, and immigrants, well let’s just say that despite some laws meant to help, and many laws meant to hinder, the outcome usually isn’t good.
But it’s about love! Not really, to be honest. Historically most people married for reasons other than love. It was actually thought to be the smart thing to do. Women were mainly looking for financial security both for themselves and whatever children they might have. Men were looking for legal sex (sex was only legal in marriage – all else was fornication), domestic helpmeets, and mothers of the sons they needed for inheritance. Squandering this opportunity on love was thought to be a poor bargain. It’s only fairly recently that love began to play much of a role in it.
Many laws have been passed to influence marriage rates and to try and protect the rights of women though these actually didn’t do much to equalize very unequal partnerships. Age of Consent Laws and Women’s Property Laws in the US date back to the early nineteenth century as legislators sought to protect women from male gold-diggers. Oregon tried to encourage marriage among its first American settlers as married men were more likely to stay in place but this led to teen and child marriages. Land set aside for Native tribes sometimes passed into the hands of white men who married Native women for just this reason.
For many immigrants, marriage was the only way to bypass the laws put in place to limit certain groups such as Asians and single women. Female survivors of World Wars I and II were quite blunt when asked if they married US military men to escape shattered Europe. Marrying in the expectation of getting a Green Card but not actually being in love with the US citizen is not illegal – if both spouses intend on remaining in the relationship and building a life together. Historically, marriage could also change your race. Mixed race children could eventually be legally white. If a person of color was accepted in white society as white, then legally they became white.
I must warn people about chapter four. Chapter four is one huge trigger warning as it basically describes the many ways that marriage can be used as a “Get Out of Jail Free” card by abusers, criminal suspects, and rapists among others. If this isn’t bad enough, the (recent) statements made by judges in some of these cases are enough to make me want to go postal on them. Apparently, based on studies of Civil War pensions, bigamy was widespread in an age in which divorce was difficult.
Unmarried people are still often regarded as “failures” by society. Historically they were often looked on with disdain (in the case of men) or pity (women). Many married people are willing to stay in unhappy marriages due to the social cache of being married. Married couples (usually heterosexual) are still favored for AI treatment payment coverage and adoptions. Custody battles are often resolved in favor of a parent who is in a marriage vs a parent who is single or in a non-marital relationship. And back to marrying for the financial benefit? Two polls from 2022 indicate that people are looking for “a financially stable partner” and “wouldn’t marry someone with bad credit.”
Marcia Zug has produced a book that is well written and detailed with about 70 some pages of footnotes but which is still accessible for an armchair reader. “You’ll Do” is an informative but (I’ll be honest) ultimately depressing look at why people marry for reasons other than love. B-
~Jayne
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