It’s Cover Snark time and upon reflection, there is clearly a theme.

From Pam G:
I’m killin’ in the flame, just killin’ in the flame,
What a glo-o-o-orious feeling, I’m gassy again
My farts are azure, so blue down below
My sword isn’t stuck, and I’m ready to glow

And can I just mention the inspired fashion statement of attending a paintball tournament in your grandma’s boiled wool jacket and Uncle Willie’s clip-on tie. Must be Lederhosen down below to

Sarah: That looks like the jacket a door attendant at a very swank hotel would be issued for winter. Like he’s working at the Plaza, but a guest handed him a sword just before blue plasma erupted from his belly. Poor guy.

Amanda: Also the longer I stare at his two arms, the more it seems like they’re different lengths.

From Amy: 1) I’m pretty sure he is peeing, 2) nothing about this cover says anything about this book, as far as I can tell.

Sarah: That guy is just looming over a field thinking deep thoughts while he takes a wee, and someone snaps his picture. Honestly. So rude.

Tara: Promising and protecting dat junk.

Amanda: I love how his junk just disappears into the field.

From Lisa: I know billionaires probably puff their chests out a lot, but… Alternatively, what happens when you attempt to inflate your blow-up Beach Billionaire to fill out his suit jacket, and your blow-up suddenly pulls a Galatea.

Sarah: …is this AI?

And if not AI, is he OK?

Elyse: This is like a SNL sketch where he’s a billionaire nepo baby CEO and he shows up to a meeting and his big idea is “no shirts”

Sarah: All Pecs On Decks.

Amanda: His expression and overall face business is giving me Handsome Squidward vibes.

Wrapping up with more from PamG: You need a condom on that, Santy.

Elyse: I would love this so much more if a little kid was just putting dragon stickers on romance covers

Like pop a sticker right over the dude’s dingus area on all the books

Amanda: Pin the dragon on the cover model.

Sarah: That sack (the red one, not the dragon-obscured one) is about to absolutely wallop him on the back of the head, right?

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From PamG: Soooo creeeepy.

Sarah: I very very very dislike the faceless illustrated covers. Gives me the creepys. The DOG has a face, for crying out loud.

Elyse: Aside from missing faces, she looks like she’s missing a third of her lower body.

Sarah: The angle/proportion is very wrong agreed.

Amanda: I’m reminded of the Thumb guys from the Spy Kids movie.

Sarah: shudder

Sneezy: Nope. Fuck you. Yeet.

Shana: Maybe it’s just me but I am very distracted by her hairline. It looks like she left the manic panic on too long and it dyed her forehead.

Sarah: Oh gosh, that fuzzy line is very distracting in an otherwise solid cover! Looking at it makes me itchy!

Sneezy: I’m seeing this cover after several earthquakes chased me out of my room, and all the pinks and reds just look too much like lava and magma right now.

From Darlynne: I know real wolves run on the lean side, but this guy needs an exorcism, because something is hiding in there.

Sarah: He’s a snack. Literally. For that wolf. He’s dinner.

He looks so…tired, poor thing.

Sneezy: Yeah, he looks so done. If I had the night he looks like he had, I’d be done too. I make the same face when I know I’ll need to wash aaaaaall my linens if I get in bed right now but just can’t scrape together the spoons to turn on the shower.

I relate to the wolves too. I make the same face when I’ve realized I walked into a shit restaurant and will be stuck paying for a TERRIBLE soup I can make EXPONENTIALLY better myself.

Amanda: Real “we saw you from across the bar and like your vibe” vibes

Sarah: EXTREME levels of those vibes. And you know they’re both surrounded by competing clouds of cologne.

Sneezy: And that’s why book boyfriends are easier. I can happily fall into the safe world of monster porn instead of googling how to scrub out my nasal cavity.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Jazzlet: Him: “urghnnn . . .”

Her: “Are you fainting on me? Not AGAIN!

Sarah: Is he bored or gassy?

Amanda: One vote for gassy!

Kiki: You just know she was thinking “have you taken the picture yet? My neck can’t hold this position”. Also a second vote for gassy. He’s trying to fart sooooo quietly.

Lara: she is deeply unsure of him

Sneezy: My money’s on her punching him in the face.

From Lisa Y: This is a book about wolf shifters. Yes, the complete lack of wolves on the cover is a dead giveaway. I don’t mind hairless men (also a dead giveaway that this is a wolf shifter story), but Not-Patrick Dempsey is disturbingly smooth. Sandpaper is not for shaving!

Bonus: Lisa noted the designer, Eagle Eye Covers, and there are many winners.

Sarah: have you met Darin?

And Eudoros.

And Joe, and his pants.

Amanda: The full size of that image shows every pore in that man’s chest.

Kiki: “Can you BELIEVE this stuffed heart? On a Valentine’s book???”

Lara: I vote these 90s windows fonts are the worst part. Might as well be papyrus!

Sneezy: I agree, Lara! Only we mustn’t say it too loudly, or a junior high munchkin may stumble on the P font and inflict it for year on everyone around them!

From lils: Does he have prominent veins or that’s the zipper that allows him to remove his costume and turn into an alien?

Sarah: The extremely textured texture of his skin is making ME feel itchy.

Amanda: I read that as the “Alien’s Mercenary Scientist” and I was actually kind of interested.

Lara: that man has gymed his neck into oblivion

Sneezy: At first I thought he didn’t have hips or legs. Now I see he not only have hips and legs, he also has denim. Good to know jeans are choice wear for alien mercenaries.

From Pam G: Sometimes ya just gotta scratch. Also which leg is that?

Sarah: It’s hard to scratch that region subtly. I feel for her

Kiki: it’s giving “wearing converse under my wedding dress because I’m quirky!”

Sneezy: Is-is the wall eating her dress? Is she inside the stomach of a creature? Is it the stomach acid fumes that’s making her crotch itch?

Welcome back to Cover Snark! We’re also a little low in the Snark pantry, so feel free to send covers to consider to me or Sarah.

From Pam G: So Dr. Nips is back with a truly hideous shirt which he apparently left on when he got the tattoo. Also, where is his left arm?

Sarah: The way the mountain cross fades onto his pec looks contagious.

Amanda: The metal has got to be real cold on that nip.

Sarah: Would the big round part of the stethoscope bend that way on its own or has it fused to his chest??

Sneezy: Wouldn’t that mean he’d need another one? What if that one fuses to him too? How does he keep stethoscopes from fusing to his ears, or is it luck of the draw?

From Jen: The guy looks like he’d rather be elsewhere and the gorilla looks angry.

Sarah: I swear that guy was on The Bachelor.

Is that a Bachelor?

Elyse: His eyes aren’t vacant enough

Sarah: Does he resemble Nick Viall? WHY do I think I’ve seen this person before?

Elyse: Maybe a little? From the nose up.

Sarah: Imagine that as a compliment: “you have Nick Viall’s forehead!”

Elyse: He looks like what AI would produce if you asked it to make a Bachelor

Tara: The gorilla is definitely saying gtfo

Sneezy: He should listen while the gorilla is still speaking nicely.

From Leslie: I love the cover snarks. I don’t know if you have “covered” this one before but submitting one for consideration. Between the side eye and a polar bear. I don’t relate a yeti to a polar bear – but maybe I missed something in college environmental science class in?!

Sarah: OH, gracious. Leslie F has sent us a banger.

Everyone is confused here, especially me.

Maya: Do you think you are supposed to read it as Bearly better yet-I? Like one of the protagonists is barely better from something, yet they…something. Bc I also don’t understand

Sarah: MORE CONFUSION has arrived.

Elyse: They couldn’t afford yeti clip art, so they just went with the bear

Sarah: How much confused yeti stock imagery do you think there is? (Don’t Google that. Your search history deserves peace.)

Amanda: but that’s a polar bear…

even in paranormal romances, the ice caps are melting and the polar bear shifters must travel south for food and boning.

Sarah: Maybe the polar bear ate the yeti and that’s why he looks like he’s about to yark?

Maya: Get ready for a tragic backstory for the polar bear/yeti involving an ice floe and a beloved sibling that in the third act turns out to not be dead

Tara: I can’t even snark this one because I can’t stop laughing.

Sneezy: Said sibling would either have been frozen in an iceberg, or have become a grim dark anti-hero. Amnesia optional.

Amanda: That middle hand is confounding me so much because my brain keeps insisting there are five hands in this cover but there are not. It also looks very big.

Sarah: Even in photography, hands are difficult. This hand makes sense but also doesn’t? It’s very distracting.

Sneezy: I don’t understand how the knife hasn’t tipped over and broke something already. I know I’m nitpicking, but it’s smack dab in the middle of the cover, clearly meant to be a visual and thematic focal point.

Hey, hello! Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Jfhobbit in the SBTB Patreon Discord: I have a submission to Cover Snark, entirely on the basis of their expressions mid-embrace. He looks confused? She looks like she’s trying to imagine she is anywhere else.

Amanda: Definitely a “did I leave the hair straightener on” look.

Elyse: Or hearing the cat start to puke

Tara: He looks like he doesn’t know where he is and she’s considering if the edible she took was a little stronger than she’d thought.

Sarah: “…was that 10mg or 100 mg?”

From Jen: This has to be the worst photoshop I’ve seen in awhile.

Sarah: Cannot stop laughing

I was prepared by Jen’s comment that something was going to be weird with his head BUT I DID NOT EXPECT THAT.

Amanda: He looks like the wayward son who has to work in his parent’s Italian NY deli

Oh and he’s also an alien

Sarah: “No, no, you don’t WEAR the capicola.”

Amanda: Zerberu Gabagool

Sarah: Somewhere a deli is unable to make a full italian sub and they’re all very sad.

Tara: I need him to be a himbo so bad.

Sarah: A hot guy who is obsessed with cold cuts.

Elyse: I scrolled up and actually let out a startled noise that scared the cat.

From Gloriamarie: Is her gift that awakened the gift of pyromania?

Amanda: But also the bottom half of her looks like it’s covered in dirt? Also she looks so bored of setting buildings on fire.

Sarah: Did she just explode out of the earth after setting off a gas fire in a house?

Elyse: That’s Groot, isn’t it

Sarah: Or someone had some feelings for the leshen in Witcher III: Wild Hunt

Tara: I’m deep into Baldurs Gate 3 and that looks like someone I might meet here.

Carrie: Hey Groot is hot.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

Elyse: Is that Taylor Swift?

Sarah: Whoa. Maybe?

Elyse: “You got that gray-green scaly thing that I like…”

Amanda: I appreciate the quality of this cover for such a silly book, but I don’t envy a giant reptile in the snow.

From PamG: So. What about this guy’s musculature? I mean his head is literally smaller than his upper left arm (which appears to be whispering in his ear.) The right arm is simply unidentifiable. The blurb sounds like the hero is an actual human, so what are we even looking at here? Let’s just call this “Cryptid Anatomy Fail.“

Sarah: I am seeing shapes in the deltoid region and it is alarming me.

Amanda: A real Rorschach test going on here.

From Susan West of Mars: What the everliving FUCK is up with this dude’s clothing?

Sarah: is that Derek Hough?

And why does it say “BAD AT BEING GOOP.”

Susan: I thought he was wearing a really high-cut thong but no, that’s just some REALLY bright highlights

Elyse: I’m getting a bleached Sebastian Stan

Amanda: Add this to the collection of cover models getting stuck while trying to put on a shirt.

Sarah: Bad at Using the Dryer.

From Gloriamarie: Such as what is wrong with this guy’s back? Is the ice swallowing him whole?

Sarah: I have some concerns about his immune system, for sure.

Shana: Is he a gremlin? All those bumps on his back looks like the ice is making him pop off more little green gremlins

Carrie: Pssh that’s just frostbite.

Sarah: As in an insect named Frost bit him, and he’s allergic?

Carrie: Hmmm let me consult my medical degree from Grey’s Anatomy University: yes that could be it

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From PamG: Is her top tattooed on? Are his tattoos decals?

Amanda: That wolf is about to eat that bird for sure and the motorcycle feels like a hidden eye image.

Sarah: I made that same face when I attended a bralette like that with similar, endowments and was just as disappointed.

From Emily Jane Buehler: This one has it all. My favorite part is that the “alien” is depicted as a real-life human with a cartoon tentacle. It’s actually quite jolly!

Sarah: I am that cat, looking at that cover, while the cat looks back at me, and we share equal levels of horror.

Tara: What’s that Coco Chanel line about taking one thing off? I think this cover should consider removing at least two things.

Elyse: That cat did not consent.

Sarah: Is his tentacle emerging from his foot?

Elyse: Call Sarah McLachlan.

From Heather S: Currently wondering if Brie Larson worked as a romance cover model in her pre-fame days.

Sarah: Wow, that does look a lot like Brie Larson, with a filter of Jennifer Aniston maybe?

I used to hunt used bookstores for the Sweet Dreams romance with Courteney Cox on the cover.

It’s like the most perfect amount of 80s.

Popped collar AND pastel sweater AND a blazer? I wish I had been that cool.

Amanda: For me, she’s a mix of Brie Larson and Jenna Fischer.

From Liz: Can’t stop laughing about this one. You know that thing that little kids do when they’re trying to make fart sounds with their hands?

Amanda: Perfect snark from Liz. 10/10. No notes!

Sarah: He hopes you were impressed with his fart sounds.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Dena: My mom is on an alien book kick and showed us this cover. Between the title and the cover, we were all cracking up. He’s SO BLUE. The horns don’t poke out of the hat, they just kind of are shoved in there, apparently.

Sarah: First, the listing title must accompany the book: Whisked Away by the Alien: A Curvy Girl Hannukah Sci Fi Alien Romance

Second, setting aside the horns permanently, thanks, WHAT.

From the description: “Wait until this alien experiences Hanukkah with a Jewish family that doesn’t exactly know the meaning of privacy, even during Christmas time!”

What does that even mean?

I need to lie down now. This is officially too much.

THAT ISN’T EVEN A WHISK IT IS A SPOON ok, ok, I’m going to get some Tylenol.

This is hilariously weird.

Tara: What a chaotic gift this is.

Sarah: TARA it isn’t even a WHISK what are we even DOING here. Also I’ve had Tylenol so all is well.

Tara: I think that’s part of what I love! None of it makes sense!

Sarah: I…find myself being curious about what the alien is baking…

Tara: Oh, I am convinced there is nothing in that bowl, but the spoon.

Lara: It seems the scourge of the ‘tribal’ tattoo is an interplanetary thing.

Sneezy: I DIDN’T BUILD A KITCHEN IN SPACE JUST SO YOU CAN GET YOUR NIPPLES EVERYWHERE, JOHN!

PamG: I’m sending you this little gem in case you are tired of all the wolves and bears adorning these covers. Behold: Keanu Dracul gets the side-eye from the horse he stole hair from.

Sarah: You know that horse is thinking, “My dude, calm down and put your shirt back on. You’re scaring the ponies.”

Tara: The horse has certainly had a fright!

Lara: Even the horse’s mane is standing on end with fright. Also, what is going on with the horse’s legs?

Sneezy: DEMON HORSE! DEMON HORSE MISSING HALF THEIR CHEST!

Tara: I signed into Netgalley and this is the first thing I saw.

Sarah: And did you immediately sign back out?

Claudia: Frightening lol

Shana: Sometimes a person just likes to rip the head off a dinosaur. And sometimes that head is super sexy so they give its yellowed teeth long, lustful looks.

Sarah: I found an entire firm that does animatronic dragons and dinos. Think they can make one of these?

Sneezy: I always had an aversion to puke neon green. This cover makes me feel ill and vindicated.

From Kim D: Is he doing a comparison of their chests?

Sarah: Sometimes the cover models are looking at their crotches, often in surprise. This guy looks concerned:

Tara: Or is it because he’s just figuring out that they’re fused together?

Sarah: “Was that lube or…crazy glue?”

Elyse: Their navel rings got hooked together

Sarah: That is absolutely an “oh shit” look on his face, you’re right

Tara: This is not the one night to forever he was expecting.

Sneezy: The lighting makes him look like he has jaundice, and her like death microwaved.

NB: This week, we’re taking a look back at some of our favorite and our most popular pieces of writing this year. We’ve got a week of best-of posts to share, with reviews, cover snark, and more. We hope you enjoy revisiting our archives, and most of all, we wish you and yours a wonderful holiday and a happy new year – with all the very best of reading.

…

Say hello to the top five Cover Snark posts of 2023! These are the most viewed Snark posts from last December to now! It’s such a joy to put these together and I hope you all get as much joy from reading them.

Let’s count them down!

5. Apologies to Jake Gyllenhaal (July 10)

You know it’s going to be a good Cover Snark when we’re all trying to decide which famous actor or actress a model resembles. There are also wolves, lions, and nipples – oh my!

Best reader comment is from DiscoDollyDeb:

Because I’m an old lady AND a disco dolly, it will come as no surprise that “Jake” actually puts me in mind of 1970s era Barry Gibb of the BeeGees. I don’t know the model’s name, but he’s popping up on SBTB all the time recently because he’s also on the cover of Felice Stevens’s IN A NEW YORK MINUTE—which, while I know is being advertised on the site and you don’t want to buy the hand that feeds you, could easily qualify for its own cover snark entry since it looks like “Jake/Barry” is either showing off his underarms or overwhelmed by the odor emanating from his pits.

/Leaves the room, shaking it to “Staying Alive”

4. What a Smarmy Face (October 9)

Many of us had such a strong reaction to one particular cover model’s face. Of course, it wouldn’t be a Cover Snark without a peek-a-boo nipple, right?

Best reader comment is from Kimberly:

My friend’s husband has what I call Resting Douche Face. I’ve never met him in person and I have no reason to think he’s anything but a good guy, but in every picture I’ve ever seen he looks like a half-tanked frat boy laughing at his own idiotic prank. Not quite the same expression as the JAL cover, but the exact same vibe.

3. We Have Llamas (April 10)

RJ Blain’s wild urban fantasy novels make an appearance because, come on, like we’re going to pass up an opportunity to talk about llamas on a book cover.

Best reader comment is from FashionablyEvil:

The Greek letters on ASTERION are killing me. That’s a sigma and a theta, not an E and an O.

“Ths Cthurt Thf Ths Undsrwthld”

2. Leave Room for Jesus (March 27)

Bendy legs are always a classic for Cover Snark! But so are crotch splash zones and lens flares – we have both in this edition!

Best reader comment is from Zuzus:

I’m sorry, but are we skimming over “A Cock Tales Romantic Comedy”? Does he shape shift into a rooster? Is that his comb in the glass?

1. I’m So Sorry (March 13)

This is a collection that gets more and more bizarre as your scroll down, going from weird to downright horrifying. Yes, I did feel like it warranted an apology.

Best reader comment is from the aptly named OuchOuchOuch:

Once, in the 1980s, my cousin and I decided that we wanted to have a rodeo. We are not American to begin with and we were forbidden to go near the cattle, so we tried it with goats instead. It was fun until I got a goat horn up my nose, which undoubtedly served me right, but 30-odd years later I still can’t breathe properly through that nostril so frankly, TLDR, I want to warn the main characters in “Bucked by the Alien” that no orgasm is worth a deviated septum.

And that’s our top five! What do you think? Did you have any Cover Snark favorites this year?

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

Elyse: Dick in a U

Sneezy: Never thought about cupping done on a dick until now.

Sarah: Also the type treatment makes it look like FUX

We could do an entire page of cover art where an ab-tastic dude is lifting his shirt and looking for something and still never know what it is they are looking for.

Elyse: Not to be confused with Megatron

Amanda: Is Zuck getting into romance now?

b: Zuck would commission a better cover.

Claudia: He’d tell AI to do it.

Sneezy: *hisses in vampire cat*

Sarah: Is he wearing pants that lace up the side?! Wouldn’t the wings be the part of his body that would benefit from alternate fasteners? How annoying is that when you really have to pee? What if it’s bone town time? It’s like when a wedding dress laces up the back and a bridesmaid has to be texted to help because the bride can’t get out of it and the groom is like, ‘uhhhhhh.’

Not that I witnessed such an event.

But still. Lace up pants. Why.

Sneezy: It’s called confidence Sarah! “I am he who will NEVER pee or shit my pants. I am he who is impervious to boiling glucose!”

From Denise: I was just offered this book for free, and had to examine it a few times. Her left arm, left leg, and dress don’t make sense, especially with the salmon-colored settee in the background.

There is a leg bent behind the arm–magnify it–but the arm across it looks like the arm was put in place of the leg, the lower arm looks placed there because of the color of the sofa, her hair, and the arm seemingly starting where the knee would be. Because of that, the dress looks weird where the legs come out. The faux gold sleeves look more like curtain ties, and windswept hair indoors complete the look. Her skin seems to have three different shades from her face, arms, and décolletage.

Sarah: That person must do a LOT of yoga. And they can detach their torso from their pelvis.

Amanda: It also reminds me when I do the feel check after shaving my legs and find a big chunk missed.

Sarah: Ankles are always so challenging for me!!

Sneezy: I advocate for ATTACHED limbs. (If this is someone’s dismembered barbie coming back to haunt us, apologize NOW!)

From Jen: The guy on the left seems unsure about his hat and wig. The guy on the right seems to be investigating his burning midsection. The girl looks like she’s climbing off this bizarre book cover.

Sarah: You know that girl in the background has some earbuds in and is rocking out to Kate Bush and Florence + the Machine and the guys are SO mad she isn’t paying attention to them and their hat and their fireabs.

Amanda: The silver helmet and hair look like one thing.

Sarah: there is 1000% a knitting pattern for that hair and that hat as a single unit on more than one knitting site.

Sneezy: Somehow it looking like a cardboard cutout diorama makes everything that much worse.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Elizabeth S: Simultaneously, ’Why?!?” and ’Yes!?!”

Sarah:HOLIDAY TAILS.

Amanda: Krampus would have a rockabilly girlfriend.

Sarah: On brand, yup.

Tara: I want to know his grooming situation. Did he have to wax his ears, cheeks, forehead, nose, and eyelids to appeal to her?

Amanda: I also read the author name too fast and thought it said Marinara Sauce.

From Pam, about the same cover: No pecs today, just a grumpy-sunshine tail of a yeti-like horned alien and his Betty Grable pin-up bride. Or is this just a metaphor for periodic pain? And wouldn’t she make a great match with the eyebrow guy on the front of My Season of Scandal?

Sneezy: The colours hurt me.

Also from Pam: 2 questions only. I’ll leave the rest for you.

1) What about that sword? In her or On her?

2) WHERE ARE HER HANDS?!

Sarah: Does she…really have to pee? Is she having cramps? Is she ok?!

Amanda: If she gets cold like I do, they’re probably between her thighs to warm up.

Sneezy: I want to know about the sword too!!! The positioning makes me think it’s supposed to be some kind of electromagnetic holster or something, but the way it’s just derping there makes me think it’s… uh… actually I don’t know what I think.

Sarah: This is the most YA-looking “Wait isn’t this a Jennifer L Armentrout book?” cover

Like it is not a bad cover!

Every time I see it, I do a double take at the name at the top.

Elyse: Lololol

Sarah: Next up, Jim Butcher writing Strawberry Shortcake novelizations of the old cartoon show.

Jim Butcher writes, THE CARE BEARS.

Amanda: I was so shocked to see Jim Butcher on that cover.

Sarah: RIght?

It’s the one part that does not fit, like record scratch does not fit.

Sneezy: Maybe it’s a leak from a parallel universe.

From DiscoDollyDeb: I came across this while scrolling through my kindle recommendations. Try as I might, I can’t figure out what the hell is going on with his chest. Did part of it get carved away? Or am I just not figuring out the shading of the tattoo?

Tara: That’s the creepiest! I know it’s just a shadow on a tattoo, but I’m with Deb on this one. It’s giving me the giblies.

Amanda: To me, it looks like he spilled hot tar and the smoke is his burning skin.

Elyse: :weakly: …paging Dr Nips?

Sarah: It really does look like someone dented his pec, poor thing.

Sneezy: Yes!!! That dent!!! I- I need three hours of soothing cat videos. I’m not well.

Maybe a cat carved him up?

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Jen: I’m guessing he’s a bear shifter but these covers make it appear the romance is between the guy and the bear. And this bear looks unhappy with the guy.

Sarah: The bear totally saw a suspicious text message come in, and is very upset. Poor bear.

Tara: Maybe the bear’s just not that into him?

Sarah: Well they bearly dated so maybe you’re right!

Lara: That bear is thinking, ‘this clown’s version of tidying up after supper is to just put the whole pan of leftovers in the fridge. Fuck Tupperware’

Sneezy: My grandma had I think three full sized fridges and maybe a freezer, and she had never done that. Which is to say, if the bear tells on him to my grandma…

Elyse: It’s a bib-cape

Also something behind him is on fire.

Amanda: I’m getting barber cape vibes for sure.

Sarah: This season’s collection from Completely Impractical Armour Atelier is really something. His nipples look disappointed.

Tara: Do you think he’s shaved so clean because it makes him more aerodynamic in battle?

From Bransler on the SBTB Patreon Discord: For your Cover Snark consideration

Elyse: Time to stop corset training my dude.

Shana: That hair looks like a cheap Halloween wig

Maya: And it looks like they put the wig on backwards

Tara: How does that teeny tiny waist hold up that big ol’ torso?

Amanda: Definitely some structural integrity issues.

Sarah: Something something more impossible beauty and body expectations mutter mutter growl.

From Karen: While it’s not awful-awful, I cringe and/or laugh every time I see that too-small hat perched on the model’s head.

Sarah: My kids had Toy Story dress up costumes and I would swear that’s Woody’s hat.

Karen follows up: It turns out it’s part of a series and they all suffer from hat fails.

Sarah: Is the too-small hat meant to…suggest something about his size?

Carrie: I have a Woody from Toy Story toy and take it from me, no power on this earth will make that hat stay on.

Amanda: I’m sad the hat doesn’t stay on during the shift.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Jennifer: Nothing says vicious raider like pausing the fight for a barre routine…

Sarah: Do you think the other Banished Alien Warriors get SO MAD when this guy is on the team with them? “OH HEY! Y’all, I have the perfect synchronized rescue routine for us! Places everyone. And 5 and 6 and 7 and 8!”

Amanda: It looks like he’s lifting his leg to air something out. Maybe whatever that green swirling mist is.

Sneezy: How come only one arm is in Anime Land?

From Pam G: So here’s your typical font-infested cover with the vast stretch of veiny, metallic, over-abbed torso, topped with a faceless head and accessorized with a bit of wolfy side-eye. But wait, there’s more! What makes this truly unique is the leather jacket with ruching and . . . his navel! At first I thought he didn’t have one, so I applied my trusty magnifying glass and–dayum–it looked back at me. Malevolently!

Sarah: Malevolent Navel is the name of my new line of organic superfood cocktail mixers. But this person just gets water because I’m very concerned for their hydration.

Elyse: We’ve got Adonis belt veins and a nipple pointing downward for our bingo card!

But for serious, if I was about to engage in sexy times and saw that above peen vein, I would be like “maybe we should go to urgent care just in case.”

Sneezy: He looks like he has an early onset of zombification. His skin looks so papery and ashy, like it’s a run in with a table corner away from ripping and falling off in hunks.

From Melodie: This knight is so very angry and we have so many choices of why. Because they covered half his face with the author’s name? Perhaps he’s mad at himself for putting on his gauntlets first so he couldn’t put on anything to protect his torso? Because he’s standing in a fire? His umbilical hernia? Most worryingly the blood seems to be coming from under his pants so maybe he is angrily rushing to the doctor’s office.

Sarah: “Oh, buddy, big feelings!”

Amanda: This hurts my eyeballs.

Elyse: I am… Iron Man.

Sneezy: Is it just me, or does the vambrace look weirdly truncated and the gauntlet shrunken? I feel like I’m supposed to believe there’s an arm and hand under there, but there doesn’t look like there’s room for one.

Claudia: Centipede man!

Shana: I’m merrily skipping to get free books when I see this very dour dude.

What about this says playtime?

Sarah: Play what, terrible charades?

Claudia: I’m getting hung up on the scarf!!

Sneezy: No. Smog is not a toy.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

Sarah: I am cry laughing at this expression.

Lara: No lord why! That’s not the vibe, Julie Anne Long!

Elyse: He totally farted just now

Kiki: Ew.

Not at farts, farts are fine. This facial expression on the other hand…

Claudia: Oh man the series is good but they also had the uncanny valley cover (woman in a green dress) not too long ago, what gives!!

Kiki: This is particularly disappointing because she looks so beautiful. It was so close to being a really wonderful cover and then…face.

Elyse: Have we done this one?

Amanda; The peek-a-boo nips all blur together after a while.

Sarah: Spoiler: the nipple is the one who fights dirty. #pew #pew

From PamG: No pecs on this one, but he’s smokin’ anyway.

Sarah: Taking my glasses off would probably not be my priority if my facial hair and forehead were on fire, but hey, what do I know?

Carrie: Glasses are expensive and usually not covered by health insurance in America so maybe he’s just really budget conscious.

Lara: I realise there are bigger issues going on in this cover but that flimsy bit of building in the top left corner is not up to code.

Tara: This one is so stupid that I actually love it. I hope the book’s contents are just as bonkers as its cover.

Shana: This is what happens when the heroine is so hot that she melts your face off.

Amanda: This reminds me of the other biker cover where his name was Poodle.

Pocus.

Elyse: This makes me think about how when we get two kittens at the rescue we give them cutesy names like Hocus and Pocus. So I can only speculate that Hocus was already adopted.

Sarah: His eyebrows are working so hard.

Kiki: Pocus. Poke us? I’m realizing this is the first time I’ve ever seen the word pocus all by itself.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Syntha: I suppose it’s not awful, but there’s definitely too much going on.

Amanda: That man is on too many covers

Shana: THIS dude, again?

Sarah: He went to the carnival! He needed a selfie.

Shana: Does he hate crystal balls and carny fun? Smile for your selfie, carnival goer, you look angry!

Sneezy: But Shana! How will we know he’s Broody McBrooderson then?

Shana: This cover is so silly I might actually read it.

Tara: OMG, please report back. This cover alone is a rich text.

Elyse: She looks like her Diva Cup got stuck and she’s trying to get it out.

Carrie: Me trying to poop with IBS-C.

Sarah: I can hear my yoga app now. Bound ankle pose. Seated star pose. Bend forward. Feel your lower back release. Ignore the wolf man behind you. Breathe in.

Sneezy: Imagine if this was an actual yoga class though. The teacher just keeps going, and the entire class is screaming and demanding to know why there’s a wolf man in the studio.

From Pam G: Ya know, it would have been so very easy to let your eyes just skate by this mostly monochromatic cover until someone decided to obliterate this guy’s head with the author’s name in a giant font, I mean–all abs, all the time, amirite? And if you failed to get the message, you have all the standing stones(?) rising through the golden mist. Objectification: it’s not just for wimmens anymore!

Sarah: Again, with the “do I see a face in this person’s abs?” quiz.

Tara: I feel like I can’t even snark this one because I’m just seeing all the usability issues that weren’t taken into account with the text.

Sarah: Such as?

Tara: There’s not enough contrast for any of it, so it’s going to be a lot harder for anyone with visual impairments to read. The “Clan Ross of the Hebrides” is by far the worst, because it’s too close to the colours around it. The white text wouldn’t be so bad, except that by putting it over his face, the whole area is too cluttered for the eyes to take it in easily.

Sarah: I didn’t even SEE the hebrides part!

Amanda: Is a “hebride” just a groom? I feel like this is the equivalent to adding “FOR MEN” and changing the color palette to slate gray for skincare items.

Carrie: Why do so many people think armpits are sexy?

Sarah: LOL Another reader has sent me this same cover!

From Lils: He looks like he’s taking off an invisible shirt. Plus, someone’s hands are fused to his sides? And what’s up with his sword?

Sarah: ANOTHER reader sent this cover!

From Elizabeth S: There are demons trapped by his six pack (8pack?). Facing towards his belly button. And pokey nipple. Somehow bad 80’s design style but worse.

Elyse: He looks like he’s trying to scratch between his shoulder blades.

Sneezy: Omg Tara, so much of what you said. Plus with the author’s name in such a stark white, it makes the title feel even more muted and indistinguishable. Also the dude looks like he’s trying to win the Darwin award.

From Cory: This is a prime example of “never judge a book by its cover”, but if I wasn’t already invested in the series and saw this cover, I’d avoid this book like the plague.
To be clear, this book is actually very good.

The cover is atrocious. On the bright side it’s what the characters look like (a jackalope monster man and a femme twink with fading blue hair in a wheelchair). On the downside?

It might be the most painfully horrible book cover I’ve seen.

Sarah: Blink. blink blink.

Are his ears growing out of his trapezius?

Claudia: Something is going on with the blue-hair person’s head too.

Tara: Blink. Blink. Blink. is right.

Then it made me think of that Seinfeld bit about calling ugly babies “breathtaking”. This certainly is that, too.

Carrie: She had me at “jackalope” and sealed the deal with “wheelchair.”

Sneezy: It’s like being haunted by the Ghost of 3D Renderings Past.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Lisa: I feel bad nominating this cover for Cover Snark because the artwork is actually pretty good. There are no disembodied heads, intimidating nipples or concerning skin conditions. But! Why that font? Ever since I spotted it, I keep reading it as “Mated to Meh.” I cannot let that go.

Elyse: Mek is the sound I’m making looking at the cover.

Sarah: This sounds like a reddit post: “AITA for thinking my spouse is Meh?”

When Bad Fonts Happen to Otherwise Solid Covers

Elyse: Mek is like that sound cats make when they chatter at birds

Mek-mek-mek-mek-mek

Tara: Wait, that’s a K?!

Sarah: Apparently?

From Carole: Another OMG OMG what is he doing to that Bear.

Sarah: is he a member of a motorcycle gang, and are they the Very Vascular Bear Bikers, aka the VVBB?

Kiki: “Damn, that bear looks SEXY!”—this guy, probably

Sarah: Imagine the pick up lines for men trying to pick up bears – like, actual bears.

Sneezy: “Excuse me, are you a priest? Because I want to bear myself to you.”

From Elizabeth: The cover is weird, but the title is bonkers – Alien Knight Teddy Bear Troubles – WTF.

Sarah: I just hear Freud’s voice: “Tell me about your troubles, Mr. Knight Teddy Bear. Is it about your mother?”

Elyse: His tattoo looks like a shitty car decal.

Sneezy: Or cosplay paint he’s worn for so long it somehow got colonized by several generations of mold instead of flaking off.

From Shannon: It’s like Harry and the Hendersons‘ arctic cousin on the cover.

Sarah: It really is, but is he wearing an apron? Do I see a hint of furry flank?

Dear god I just said furry flank. Please excuse me.

Kiki: Based on this cover I have to assume the love story is between that snowman and the yeti, yes?

Sarah: One can only hope – but if the yeti is holding a frying pan, does that mean he’s cooking hot food for a snowman? That won’t end well?

Tara: Or is the snowman a sidekick?

Amanda: I love the modesty shorts that have been photoshopped on.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Melodie: My brain immediately started singing “One of these things is not like the others…” Poor guy in the back, you can tell he is just so DONE with the other three. Every single time they go to a bakery they have to do the sexy cupcake dance before ordering and he just wants to grab his coffee and muffin and go before they get banned from yet another store.

Sarah: They look somewhat ashamed, while dude in the back is like, “You see what nonsense I have to put up with?”

Amanda: The cupcakes are the boobs I’m guessing.

Elyse: I think the guy in the middle is concerned that the other two are searching for their weens.

Sarah: Is this like the Katy Perry song where she talks about bringing out the big balloons and she means her boobs?

“Bringing out the cupcakes!” has a new fun meaning

Amanda: The suit man is also Bieber-lite.

From Pam: This looks like a still from one of those sci-fi shows where the guy you’re talking to suddenly starts peeling off his meat suit and you realize he’s one of the aliens. Either that or he’s been eating too much Silly Putty.

Sarah: It really does look like he is peeling off a green skin.

Tara: If you told me this was a seal shifter romance, I’d believe you.

Shana: If you told me this was a serial killer romance, I’d believe you. The look on this alien dude’s face is chilling.

Claudia: I’m split — this is either blob-fish shifter romance or rabbit shifter romance.

Tara: Shana, maybe he’s trying to smolder us into freeing him from the shirt that he’s been trapped by.

From Emily: This one did me in. It has EMBRACED the repetitive, Photoshopped man torso by making the men in question… wait for it… ALIEN CLONES. So naturally they all have exactly the same body in exactly the same pose… but a delightful array of colors and bicep tattoos! What really put it over the top for me was the mysterious nomenclature of their names. They are the BoBs, okay. So how do we get individuals BrOdByc, ReBOrB, and BaOBy?

Sarah: I aOBm CoOBnfuBOBsed.

Lara: I think the real star of the show is the bOby with purple skin and neon green pants. He’s the one to watch!

Sarah: I know it’s denim but the highlights make those green pants look like very plush velvet.

Amanda: Now I haven’t looked at the description, but is the title supposed to be a mix of “baby” and “OB”…as in ob/gyn?

From Carole: OK the wolf isn’t buying that twisty Six Pack either.

Sarah: Did someone grab him and twist him in half like Gumby?!

Ok, please join me on a strange trip through my very odd memory. Do you remember the video for Sort of Fairytale by Tori Amos?

In it, she’s a head on a leg, and Adrian Brody is a head on a hand, and this cover makes me think he’s trying to join the world of that video.

Lara: That wolf is where his erection would be…I don’t think that’s an accidental placement.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

From Kerri: There’s a whole lot going on in the background, but I’m really distracted by the plank through his skull. I wonder if that has a negative impact on his pirating.

Sarah: Ok who does that model look like? The resemblance is bugging me.

Amanda: I bet it’s one of those fake props to intimidate his enemies.

Sarah: So this guy uses the plank through the head, another pirate uses the arrow-through-the-head headband, and a third will use Groucho Marx glasses? Excellent plan to startle the enemies

Amanda: Now the resemblance is bugging me too

Sarah: Some actor.

Like Taika Waititi and Kyle MacLachlan had a baby? And also some abs?

Susan: Have we done this one?

Because sir, your hair appears to be escaping

(I was looking for the Francesca Flores book, but that’s not what Kobo brought me)

Lara: His eyebrows are… decisive.

Sarah: VERY decisive.

Amanda: Interesting choice to have a real model mixed with a Second Life model.

Sneezy: I wish they chose to be less interesting. The dude is the visual equivalent of plasticine

Amanda: Prowling?

How do you prowl someone?

Lara: Also what in the mannequin is going on with those dudes?

Elyse: Dude on the left looks like he’s wearing a person suit

Amanda: Definitely trying to “act natural.”

Sneezy: Rejected Ken doll prototypes, maybe? Also the woman’s hip looks…truncated? Or something? I can’t make out if the left dude’s second leg is supposed to be behind her leg or in front of it.

From Syntha: The expressions on their faces are LOL.

Sarah: I am mad that they spotted me and I can’t keep shamelessly eavesdropping on their debate about why the sky is red while also making jokes about full moons.

Elyse: They both look like someone watching them just farted very loudly.

Sneezy: I have every confidence they’ll get right back to business as soon as we clear out.

Welcome back to Cover Snark!

Elyse: What are these people doing?

Tara: I think he’s about to roll his mouth across hers.

Carrie: This is why you have to practice on pillows, you guys.

Sarah: If it weren’t for their hands I would swear they were photographed in two separate locations very far apart.

Sarah: I love love love the illustration, the poses of the character is and the SMOLDER on that face, MY GOSH.

But what in the name of Holy Scriptina is the title?

Twin in the aith?

A truth in the aig?

Is this like a test to reveal hidden depths of my psychology?

The words I decipher will chart the course of the rest of the year! The hot dancers have foretold. But what does it SAYYYYY?

Lara: I saw ‘tum’ in there somewhere…she looks adorable but his stare is a little…intense.

Sarah: Heckin’ smolder going on there.

Tum in the ash?

Claudia: When I finally could decipher I thought they meant on an airplane.

Sneezy: Does this illustrator do webtoons? I would read the SHIT out of webtoons they made!

I thiiiiink it might be A Turn in the Air.

A Tihn in the Aig???

The more I look at the title the less sure I am.

From Gloriamarie: I find headless torsos, no matter how gorgeous, unnerving. I am also unnerved by the tank and assault rifle in his nether regions.

Sarah: Pew pew!

Amanda: That’s an aggressive pec.

Sarah: Likewise an aggressive pecker.

Kiki: Pokey nipple.

Sarah: Poke poke. Think it poked people on Facebook back in the day.

Elyse: You really don’t want your nips exposed in a sandstorm, I’m thinking.

Claudia: Maybe that’s why the chest seems… exfoliated?? So smooth?

Carrie: Things that do NOT make me feel sexy:

• Sandstorms
• War
• Huge pectoral muscles

Amanda: Is this a Taylor Swift/Colin Farrell fanfic?

Elyse: I was just about to say…

Or if you squint, David from Schitt’s Creek.

Maya: I mean, it also kinda looks like that yucky racist guy she was with.

Sarah: Someone called him a “sentient European cigarette” and I promptly expired.